Alcohol fueled nostalgia

Drunk after my friends' annual Christmas party & doing blow.

Being nostalgic about country music.

Letting it make me happy from the secrecy of my room. 

Being me and not caring for a moment. Remembering with each song in this 'favorites' list why it got there and what it means to me/ says to me.

Sometimes there's so little to remind you of who YOU are that you just have to feel joyful. Even if your partner left the party early & is sick & depressed because he 'hates the holidays'. 

I don't think he's right forever but he's helping me learn so much right now. And I hope vice versa.

Yet, I also see that either one person can never be enough as a lover or that people learn to live with letting a part of themselves atrophy.

Which is right? I oft default into poly. But is that just a cop out for not being able to make it work with a single life partner? Can you have a life partner and eventually learn to also appreciate other lovers for helping you in ways that other person isn't? Or is that just giving up on the life partner? And if you can appreciate other lovers, is it really possible to do so honestly?!

Monogamy

I don't know about this monogamy thing. I don't like feeling jealous. I'm already insecure and I don't enjoy the feeling that if I mis-step in any way, I'll get 'cheated on' and lied to about it. I loathe the feeling that I'll be replaced for a newer model someday because people can't share. 

Poly solves a lot of those issues. You deal with jealousy. You know the person will fuck someone else and not lie to you about it and keep your agreements. You know that sharing is possible and your lovers never have to leave you to try out the newer model.

The upshot is, a monogamous relationship puts me back in good footing with the rest of the non-poly, not sex-positive world. An upshot that gives me relief from feeling like I always have to defend myself and be an activist, but also one that I loathe.

People, including Andrew, point out that I'm quick to jump to poly for all the answers. That it's more emotionally challenging and mature to resolve one's trust issues than to base your life around not having to have that type of trust. 

I beg to differ. I mean, I can't be on time to anything to save my soul, and rather than learn a lost cause lesson, I now just base most of my day on not having to be anywhere at any particular time for the most part. So, why learn to trust? Same thing.

The problem is, what Andrew and I have is so, so very special. I never thought I would ever have someone like him. He's incredible. I love him a lot, though we have never said it. (I'm giving it 6-12 months, I think that's fair for really knowing if you love someone... And if he hasn't said it by then, he never will.)

Oh, this is officially our 2 month anniversary. That's a lot in Raine time.

Enamoration

I'm in love, and my boyfriend just moved into my apartment from San Diego. The past few days have been difficult, lovely, sexy, and fabulous. 

I was on a bender before that. Up all night doing blow every night for 5 days straight. Including several while Solomon was here visiting in between moving to LA. 

Lots of negotiation, ego deflation, and feelings of emotional nakedness. Lots of feelings that I am completely and utterly vulnerable and overly defenseless, but at the same time, really building a life with someone for the first time ever. 

Is this the end of this blog then? Certainly not. So many back stories to share, and so many new things to explore in this strange thing called monogamy. I see people like Elijah and Halah as lonely and sad and constantly searching for approval while taking advantage of others. They will never be anywhere or have anything because they're self-centered and short-sighted.

I see Andrew as a real, true, solid man and someone I can truly build a life with.

Poly Agreements: Yes, we can do this like Adults

I woke up this morning to Thom's friend Bukkiah fucking me on my couch. He's not so much to look at, but a good lover. Also, way too into me/ obsessive about me.

Andrew pretty much ix-nay'd this from continuing after he moves up here in a couple weeks, because he says that the guy is too into me. Which I agree, not to mention that Bukkiah lives far away and from what I can tell about his personality would be 'secondary' status at best; but probably not even that.

WHAT? You may ask. Yes, Andrew and I are having a conversation already about what we are OK with as far as poly. He's not especially poly in that he draws the line at having feelings. I drew the line at sex, but oral sex allowed. He was stoked about that. He originally was texting me with messages about how he wanted to put his dick in this girls' face who as passed out in the other room (he'd hooked up with her before). My response was, "Send photos".

However, I got worked into a bit of a tizzy when I realized how deceitful he was being. I was blindly trusting him when he was saying shit (many times, over the course of many drawn-out conversations) about only wanting to be with me and blah, blah. Turns out he's hitting up all kinds of people in San Diego before he leaves and was just not telling me about it.

A cheating monogamist. I have so much disdain for them. Not to mention that I actually have brought up poly a lot and he seemed to reject the idea... Apparently until it was convenient not to.



Earlier I was pretty blown out by the whole thing and honestly wanted to offer to just be friends with him and maybe we'll get to be together if he earns it for real. I did some blow and started drinking a bit; that helped me feel better. Perhaps I shall sleep on it before I really say anything. I'm writing it here at this point to avoid texting him the inevitable breakup text.

(Or, did it ever really even begin? He was being sketchy about that too. Double speak and such. Clearly if it's not a 'Hell Yeah!' it's just a 'No', as I've gone through too much trying to convince people to want to be with me who didn't.)

To think, I was actually sort of excited about being monogamous with him for a while! It would have been an adventure. We talk of buying a house together near Eve and Abel's, of traveling together to Southeast Asia, of our deepest relationship fears, of how we just want love and it doesn't particularly matter to either of us where it goes.

I know it was never going to be permanent; I'm not an idiot. I don't think we really love each other that way. But I felt in love with him and I like him, and this is an interesting adventure and I felt ready for it.

Now I realize, it's not meant to be. I've had qualms about it constantly; but I don't like my commitment-phobia getting in the way. I was (am?) so into him, and I felt like some of the red-ish flags I was 'seeing' were maybe just ways I was trying to talk myself out of a relationship: He wants to hit his children; he hides things from me or doesn't fully give me a straight answer; he seems to really want a relationship with me and I don't know why (he says he's never hit a woman but I get some sort of weird abusive vibe off of that that I can't exactly place); even when I told him he should be an honest polyamorist instead of a cheating monogamist, he gave me this sort of, 'I'm not going to cheat on you because I don't know anyone there/ no one is attracted to me' bullshit that is in no way actually re-assuring. Literally all he's saying with those statements is that he lacks opportunity; which, as a hot new piece of prime real estate in town, he won't lack long. Not to mention when he VISITED here it took him all of 2 days to fuck one of my friends.

Honestly, I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't even really know him. His lack of clarity and straight-forward communication are the truest signs, ironically.

Basically, Thom is right, and so is Uriah.

ASIDE: I hung out with Uriah this weekend! And Canaan! And co! We partied in the empty apartment next door with the beautiful North-facing deck all night on Saturday night with a ton of blow. The sunrise over the downtown skyline was spectacular. Still, I think I will be staying in my apartment as it is. If fucking Andrew weren't moving in, I would fucking bankrupt myself to move next door, but because it's so much smaller and would cost so much, it probably isn't worth it. Still, everyone who was here that night unequivocally loved it next door on that deck.

Actually, I'm going to sneak out there for a cig now. They're doing construction on it between tenants and leaving it unlocked.
*     *     *

I'm sad. I think the spell is broken with Andrew. Before it even began. And to think, I told all my friends and family about it, and they all loved him and were actually happy for me. Back to the drawing board now. Ugh; I've been so stupid!

Maybe having him living with me for a little bit will be good in the sense that I won't be able to have people over to fuck as often, which in some ways sucks a lot, but in another way will help me find a real partner and weed out a lot of the casual randoms. (I haven't had a one-night stand in a few months at least, so that's not bad.)

.

WTF

I am about to try something truly terrifying.

Monogamy.

'Monotony', as some might say.

It's been a good long while since I entered into a monogamous relationship. And 5.5 years since I've been out. And it was rough and soul-crushing. And I don't believe in monogamy long-term.

I'm in love though. With this man from San Diego who is moving up to the City of Roses to be with me. And to, you know, straighten his fucking life out. I mean, this shit started out as me banging yet another coke dealer. (They're always hot & dark & interesting though!)

He better. I think I'd rather whore about forever than settle for someone when I know I am worth more. I think I'll still be able to get 25 year olds at 50. So fuck it. Cheers to living with Mr. Right Now. Yeay for love and all. Yeay for the adventure. Yeay for the about 1 week of monogamy that I'll actually last. (Realistically, prolly 1-2 months, if all goes well. But I have other lovers that I will miss!)

I thought I was ready. I really did. But I'm not! I'm actually loving being single! All this shit I do where other ppl have a boyfriend/ husband/ partner... At first it seemed exciting to have a person to do those things with: Camping! Family brunch! Parties! Dancing! Festivals! Night at home watching movies and having someone to talk to! Right?

But, over the course in which I've actually had to face the prospect of having a live in-partner, the more the whole thing is harshing my fucking mellow. Having to drag him along and pray that he doesn't embarrass me in some way. Not being able to meet someone new potentially. Wanting to be alone and farty and bloated. Having to negotiate using the bathroom, watching TV, listening to the radio, physical space. Even cooking and cleaning, even though I don't do them enough, I've demonstrated just this past week that I can do them...

Is this the price I'm willing to pay to share my heart and space and body with someone on an intimate level? Is the need for that so strong that I just up and hand over the life that I built that I'm finally enjoying?

I'm very much in love with him, though. And it makes me feel a little disappointed that I might hurt him in some way.

Speaking of: Fuck Isaiah. What a motherfucking loser. Yes he has cool parties, but he's not the originator of all of them. His scene is so... Shallow. Everything about him is just so annoying, I can't even believe that Ishbar is so enamored with that crappy douchebag. I truly regret sleeping with him, and although I think dumping his scene would in a way lower my popularity, he's not the only one that holds these events (a), and b.) who cares? If any of them are really

my friends, they still will be.

Gawd, I might as well re-name this "High School Drama in the City of Roses". 

Anomaly

I seriously wonder sometimes WTH.

But life is as it is meant to be, no?

I had a breakdown today about my dad. I was looking for my library card and inadvertently found a photo in an old wallet of me next to him while he was in the hospital. He was covered in tubes and wearing a hat I brought him back from South America.

I'm just starting to accept how numb I went while my dad was sick and dying. It's as though I wanted to treat him like he would be well any second if he did the right things. I was mad at him for getting himself sick in the first place. For years I blamed him for getting himself sick; for not doing enough to get well; for not taking enough initiative.

I blame myself then and now for not doing enough. For leaving him to pursue a future that wasn't meant to be. For my believing he would be ok- that he would LIVE GODDAMNIT! When the future told me otherwise, even though I couldn't have known it then.

Dad, I love you far more than you would ever know. Or, you did know. In fact, I know it's more than you did know. Or maybe, in your wisdom, you know it all  along. Because I feel you with me more than anyone else does. 

And Dad, I love you like none other. If I ever have a Kindred Spirit in this life, it is you.

I know you're out there. Take care of me, Dad. You will always be my guide. I need and love you immensely. 

And I always will.

What 30 & many devastations taught me

The world works in mysterious ways. As intricate as things were that I learned as a Cell & Molecular Biologist, the more I understood how little we humans know and an ever know. And as time goes on (as it is wont to do), the more I've come to understand that there is so little we can control.

Do I call it fate?

I dare to. For that is something I believe in, as I now believe in soul and spirit. It is all as it is meant to be. A 'Choose your own adventure' if you will.

Everything that was meant to happen in this universe will. You will make good or bad choices and in the end, they will lead you to where you were meant to be in this life.

This is the summer wane

It's been too long. Again.

I'm in San Diego. I don't even know if I ever gave my lover here a name; up until the past month, he was always just Solomon's friend that I'd been fucking since last year. His name now is Andrew.

I met him when I came to San Diego last year to supposedly go to Burning Man with Solomon-- and to escape that awful Cyrus character.

There was an instant attraction for both of us. But, I didn't know after the first time we fucked whether it would happen again, and after that first trip down here whether he & I would get to again on the next trip.

I guess it's all been put to rest now. He came to visit me in Portland for 2.5 weeks, then I followed him to San Diego, where we then drove to a festival together. I was supposed to leave after that but we kept extending my departure until the last second. 

So basically, I've been with him every day for over a month. And it's been fabulous. Very very fabulous. 

Anxiety for nothing

I'm in San Diego (with Solomon) and I should be working more diligently on an assignment about economic growth in the UK that was due yesterday, but I'm having anxiety over Halah that is nearly uncontrollable. I guess I need to be writing my angst in my blog to avoid doing something stupid like attempting yet again to engage him in conversation and once again, just look stupid and not be successful.

I admire Halah a lot and am very in love with him. He told me, "You'll just have to love me from afar," and I think that's what makes it burn even more: He doesn't feel the same way about me back. And because I have this propensity to always want to try, I can't stop having little realizations and trying to make him see that things can work out, if only...

But, I have to believe him rather than constantly trying to find evidence to the contrary. He actually told me that I've been maintaining an illusion of what I think is possible rather than living in the moment. Also, verbatim, he wrote me this:

I love very deeply when it somebody I share an intellectual, emotional connection with. You're just not that person for me.

I dreamed last night of many things: Jett (who is dead) in his trashed third-story attic apartment in Corvallis. Elijah and a blond, curly-haird boy from dance visiting Jett and being disgusted with the state of the apartment as Jett baked vegan lasagna (I remember him eating that exactly once, and he freaked about how many carbs were in it). Rats with their fur skinned off foraging and being eaten alive by (something)– the struggle for existence is what I took it as. Then I was walking outside the house, which was suddenly on a dock at Macadam Bay Club, and the house was a houseboat. Then Heidi Klum and Sole and Halah were there on the dock and we jumped into the Willamette as dolphins came swimming by.

Definitions are tough

Well... Met up with Halah. We got to plan out what we were going to do as far as activism on certain causes. Apparently I have signed myself up for a lot of press releases and interviews, for free! But, for causes I am quite passionate about.

And, um, lots of awesome sex. And brunch. Which he says, according to White Person Law, makes us "in a relationship". He finally saw where I live, which never happened before! And I got to have sex in my new place for the first time. DID NOT see that coming.

It really goes to show that putting those definitions in the sidebar of who everyone is is actually a very plastic association. Basically I change them all the time. Maybe I should come up with some other way to define people, but it would make less sense in terms of the story.

Halah hands down wins over Elijah, I've decided. In every way except the sex. Halah is even a character in my novel. I specifically wrote him in because I was inspired by him.

It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]

How true

Polyamory large (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On OkCupid there was a "Polyamory test"... I think it was directed to newbies. Anyway, one of the questions was along the lines of:

What is the purpose of polyamory?

One of the answers:

So that co-dependent or mistreated/abused people can fulfill the desperate need to be loved by anyone and everyone.

LOL! How close to the truth. Every time I get into a poly scene with someone(s), I end up thinking, "These people are so damaged." And/or, "That person has some fucking ISH," and/or, "This is so hot yet so unhealthy."

The exception being Uriah. He's a super emotional Cancer that never wants to let his lovers be away from him. *Swoon*

For me, I described it years ago (about Spawnsong/Amariah) that once I fall over the threshold of being in love with one person, my heart is full of love that spills onto others.

But I don't think I want to act on that anymore. It feels a little bitter and defeatist to say that, though. I believe in poly! I think Halah even jealously texted me once, "Enjoy your polyamory." The pure number of fucked up individuals in Portland trying to be "poly" is honestly turning me away from the whole idea, at least as an initial premise. Alas.

Related articles

• 5 Myths About Polyamory Debunked

OMFG

So drunk last night. I would say, No more drinking and posting, but honestly, the alternative is texting/ emailing Ruth a ridiculous bleeding-heart letter that I would immediately regret and then have to avoid chasing with a bunch of, "Actually fuck you, you backstabbing whore!" letters in the sober light of day.

Instead, I wrote it all out and posted it into the void of this blog. Dignity preserved!

Ok, so mostly preserved. I did text Spawnsong something whimsical and romantic about our 'spiritual liaison'. Ugh. I can't even bring myself to read what I wrote. I hadn't seen him in years, since he visited me in Burlington for Valentine's Day weekend, and then last September I visited him in San Francisco on my road trip back from SD. His girlfriend was jealous and they got in a super fight about something unrelated that was annoying and dramatic as all hell. But, I did make out with him and I was looking super hot, and he told me in a romantic-esque way that I was "the sexiest thing he ever saw." Prior to that evening in the Mission, I had actually thought of my entire dignity in that situation being lost on a particular fall weekend in Montreal. So, the fun yet strange-ending evening in SF pretty much had vindicated me, but last night's drunken mess of stupidity dug me back in slightly.

However, he's not physically here in the City of Roses and I don't have to see him again in this life (although I have some inkling that I will, because I'm an idiot). Texting/ emailing someone across town who's in the periphery of your friend group and who you'll be seeing at a party this weekend is a whole different story entirely.

So yeay blog, it's not entirely a waste of time/self-stroking after all.

Cerebral Realizm

My name is Raine. I live in my head.

I realized, most horribly, that my ranting in this blog is most certainly due to my frustration with work that I vent in other ways. As though I displace a lot of my own stress and anxiety or fear onto other people.

I mean, hell, I dislike babies because I think they're fucking with me. And I gotta say, I just can't convince myself that they're not manipulative little troublemakers. People don't give babies enough credit. They know what's up.

*Sigh*. It's exhausting living in my head all the time. I focus more on personalities and drama and story lines and ideas and inspiration than I do on being fully aware of my surroundings.

I gather this might be why when I connect with the very occasional someone on a cerebral and sexual level I remain wholly oblivious to important other factors until far after everyone else would have seen them coming. *Face palm*

Revelations Left and Right

No one I ever date or am friends with should ever ever read this blog until they know me really, really well.

I sound really un-compassionate, although that's not at all the case IRL... It's more that this blog serves as a sounding board for all the angst I have inside.

I'm not really sure how I got such a "life is hard, buck the fuck up" attitude. I think because my life has been difficult and dark at times.

But I like this about myself. It pervades my sense of beauty and creativity. I stuff all my feelings about people and about things I see that strike me as sad and unjust, and blow them off in ire through writing. Life is hard, I know that. I don't think anyone should be shielded or covered from that. Either you'd be devastatingly shattered to learn the truth, or you'd live in a bubble your whole life and never really understand how the world is– the latter of which I consider far worse.

The revelations for me are nearly free-flowing at this point. When it rains it pours! Why I'm so switched on:

Resolving my Personal Conflix

Today is a beautiful day out the window of my downtown apartment. This weekend was incredibly lovely as well, with Ladies Weekend kicking ass and a great St. Patty's Day followed by a slasher movie with Thom. Ishbar is a good influence, for sure. She's very calm and collected and focused. Jerusha is a great too. And really, all of my other lovely friends.

For anyone who follows this (IDK if anyone does, although someone is reading at least, as discerned from the occasional snarky comment), I changed Ruth's name back to Ruth. She didn't like the name I originally picked for her, and after last week's little upset, I thought, "She totally doesn't merit the name Ruth." However, I realized thanks to Ishbar and reading aloud to her while we were riding home from the book she got this weekend:

Dad Used to Say

"Don't mock the afflicted."

I think that means, Stay fucking classy, Raine. Quit ranting about people in your blog. Even if it is really really funny.

Don't ever look back.They might be gaining on you

I'm about to leave for Girls weekend.

Last night, I was dancing with my friends at a friend's DJ set in a smallish dive bar on the East side after the anti-fluoridation rally. We got to the show last night and said "Cheers" after we took turns bitching and made eye contact and laughed away our problems. Then, dancing and merriment with many of my dearest loving friends: Jerusha, Jezebel, Ahijah, Thom, Sole, Ishbar, Haman, Barakel, and a host of others un-named for the purposes of the story of this blog.

From my Livejournal, September 28, 2001

I filled out this survey like 11.5 years ago, and it explains so much!

Thom would be proud of my choosing Phish in my bands.

♥♥Self Love♥♥

<zOMG I have writer's block so bad>

Gossip About Everyone That's On My Mind Right Now

Under the cut, so it doesn't take up so much space.

Starving Artist, West Side

It's been a couple weeks.

I've been gone for work.

Then, I disappeared into the world of Ruth for a while.

I like that world.

But, I have my own apartment now. Finally! For the first time in many years. I'm on the lease and everything. It's a huge FUCK YOU to everyone who hated on me while I was down. Because, let's face it, the place is fucking sweet as hell.

The Cycle of Addiction

Just when you think someone’s gone from your life forever, BAM! Things change and you find yourself back in a situation.

The situation’s name here is Josiah. I texted him at random yesterday while sitting in a PSU coffee shop, and he actually wrote back and was apologetic. He said he was in court. He has to take courses to avoid felony drug possession charges.

I was ruthlessly horny yesterday, by the way. I get in these modes where nearly anyone who isn't fat will do, all the better if it’s someone I know who has good skills or at least I suspect does. So basically yesterday I was texting nearly everyone that was on the roster of “potential”, which led me to Josiah. 

I texted him just to say I was disappointed in him. The text definitely wasn’t about “Come fuck me.” But, long story short, that’s kind of what happened. He met up with me after court and then we went home and fucked like mad. Twice. I told him, “I can’t believe I fucked you after you were such an asshole!”

Fantasy

I re-enlisted my OkCupid, only so I could find this letter again. Then I locked my profile down so that straight people can't see it.

Two nights ago, I met the guy I wrote this to. He was all about it. He met Jezebel and Thom and Thom's roommates, and he hung in there. So, he has many many points over Halah. I'm going to give him a second chance. I think I would go well with him. He wins MAJOR points for loving the fact that I was an hour late meeting him. "I love when people are late," he says. "It shows creativity." *Swoon*. This on the heels of getting the third degree at work twice this week. Also, he MAJORLY has that over Halah. Blerg... What a horrendous mistake about Halah. He's such a short pretentious fuck.

I wrote this drunk from my iPhone to said hot date, and I want to edit it and improve it, but I'll just leave it as it was for the purposes of this blog:

I'm definitely intrigued by you. Maybe I do secretly want to marry you, it would look good to polite society and mostly for my career, to which I'm already really married anyway. I'm a writer, so I also have a career where I do what I want. I don't get paid yet to write about whatever I want, but one day I will. I'm just breaking in. I'll stay home all day writing and getting railed by the personal trainer, tip the maid, drink wine and maybe snort some uppers, and have dinner ready for you after you get done with practice. Sometimes you can be gone with your girlfriend and I'll paint and watch movies all night, maybe we'll host orgiastic parties with our fabulous friends. I'm smart, sexy, and incredibly personable, yet sweet and polite. You'll never find arm candy like me.

I have that fantasy.

Or maybe you're an alpha male who secretly wants a triad (mmf or mff, doesn't matter). Hopefully poly-fidelitous at first, just like an inseparable couple, only with three. At some point though, and this is just the fantasy talking, I want the three or even 4 of us to unleash our sexual dynamite on the world in some rockstar way. I'm down for it to get all culty, hence the extended references in my profile to Heinlein characters. Ultimately there must be some sci-fi nerd out there w this same fantasy, who's dominant and sexually powerful but not masochistic. I think nerds like the internet, as I do. Hence why I'm on here.

Who knows. The first fantasy is more realistic and probably more palatable to polite society, my friends and family. The second is gutsy and requires stepping into one's full power. Perhaps there's a combination of both, or perhaps there is something in store behind door #3... 

In other news, I'm having some difficulty with Tamara, and it's because of Josiah and the shit he pulled while I was in Tuscon/San Diego. I never saw Josiah again, either. He had a heroin problem, all the more reason why letting him stay at my place and thinking it was going to be OK was a bad idea. Anyway, I am either getting my place back from Zeruah or moving in with Ishbar, the latter idea Isaiah is in love with. Already he's annoying me saying things like, "Maybe then you'll get the threesum you've always wanted." Umm... What? You mean the one you want that I have actually zero interest in. This kind of shit always annoyed me about him.

Anyway. I'm buried in work I have to do and am not doing.

Musings of an Insomniac

I'm turning into a fat fuck.

I tell people I'm married to my job. Which is going very well.

I just closed my OkCupid account. I'm not sure where I thought it would get me.

I opened it to meet other people so that I wouldn't be stuck with Halah because I was never very into him. He would be crushed hearing that, but inside he knows, which is what made him go so crazy. I never should have let him talk me into another second with him. He was a whiny bitch from the get-go and it should have ended there. The fact that Jerusha and her friend got to be so anti-Halah because of his piss fetish probably pushed me toward him, since I defend people at all times against those who aren't acting Sex-Positive.

I didn't even pee on him. Not because I'm grossed out– hell, I peed all over a guy's face who was so into it– but really that about Halah, I didn't even care. As Uriah said, I was bored with that. He was all wrong, I don't know why I do that to myself.

Anyway. My most recent encounter from OkCupid was this guy with an incredible face who was only 26, but slightly chubby and headed in the wrong weight direction. Man boobs, for the love of God. He was really needy in a dom sort of way, saying things like, "You already don't want me do go, huh slut?" and "Tell me you need me you little whore". I ended up fucking him 3 marathon-length times that evening (unprotected... we talked about it first though), even with my jaw throbbing from some dental work. When I saw him in the morning light, sober, it was like, "Oh, that's what you look like." He choked me (hot), called me names (neutral), held me down and bit/slapped me & ordered me to fight back (hot), made me call Jerusha in the middle and tell her I was getting railed (uncool), and in general I rode is big cock for hours and cummed a few times (very hot). Overall, a great night.

He keeps texting me, but I'm not attached to seeing him again before he heads back to whatever foreign country he works in. Part of it was that I could tell he was not sex-positive and not bi and underneath the facade I think he wanted hooking up with me to mean something so that it wouldn't just be a casual encounter. Eh.

Sleep now.

Responding to Your Letters

There comes a time in every blogger's life where he/she must address the fact that there are readers other than him/her self. This is, for some, a painful experience.

Responding to some queries:

1.) No, I will not sleep with you.

2.) Even if you meet me "in secret", you probably still won't get a code name and you won't get immortalized in the blog unless you're interesting and awesome and captivate my fancy for at least a few weeks.

3.) I have my strengths and faults. The "You're not all that" comment, written of course by an anonymous fan, is both 100% true and 100% un-necessary.

4.) If you think you know who I am, or actually do, you can try to blackmail me all you want. I'm not ashamed of my blog, I just think the code written a names are to protect the innocent. Or, you know, even the not so innocent. I've been pissed enough at someone exactly once to the point that I talked shit about her using her real name in a blog, and she was (is) a heinous cunt. Other than that, despite the level of shit I've been dragged through by some people, their identities remain protected.

5.) Yes, my life is meaningful and fun.

6.) Maybe I am an attention-whore, I don't know. People in real life (IRL) pay attention to me quite a bit, but I also like to do my own thing and not pay so much attention to what other people think. That said, it was legitimately difficult to let that comment just slide. Don't read my blog (and ergo pay attention to me) if you think that. I use this blog as an outlet for my private thoughts. Even though I know I will be judged for it, I am a voice of the Sex-Positive movement, which deserves more attention and not silence.

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Erotic Encounters, Part I: The Early Years

Numbers 1 and 2: London and God

1.) London. Slim, blond, blue-eyed, fair skinned, arty. I was in love with London in 4th and 5th grade when we had class together, growing up here in the City of Roses. I made him really uncomfortable in gym class in late 5th grade, whispering in his ear, "It's not about scheduled sex, it's about having a baby." Then he moved away for middle school and I was pretty devastated. Then, he was back for the latter half of high school and for the life of me I have no idea why we didn't hang out more. Things picked up the latter half of senior year. I was in love with someone else (#2, God), which complicated matters, but essentially we were FWB without ever really calling it that, playing around sexually all the time and being little friendies. Forward to... Senior prom. We finally had sex. I still have his semen on my senior prom dress from the first time we had sex ever. (Uriah eventually fucked me in it also... He said it was hot that it still had cum stains.) I didn't really know how to deal with the not-quite-relationship after that and the whole thing sort of faded away. I wish it didn't, cuz I really like him, but at the time I was into someone else and it all got awkward. London even knew about God and didn't care, how poly. File London in the, What if...? category.

2.) God. He in no way merits such a designation, but of course at the time I started my Livejournal (age 17), he was a big deal. Amazing what time will do for a situation. He's in the Lots of Conflicting Emotions category. I've learned to live with the intense emotionality of this strange 'relationship' we had, even though it was angst-ridden and never particularly got closure. But seriously, 12+ years later, he's a washed up, white trash, uneducated alcoholic, still working maintenance at the golf course, and talking to him beyond, "Nice job you're doing on the greens!" would be an embarrassment. So he's also in the Done, Over, and Never to be Revisited category. 

I met God at his caddie at age 13, and he was 23. (I could see even relatively open-minded people getting all judgey about this one, and if you do, try to comment or message in a respectful way.) He had one blue eye and one green eye, never went to college, was soft-spoken, and liked curvy girls (with T&A, like me... And Britney Spears). Fwd to age 16 when I ended up working maintenance at the same golf course as he did. My then-best friend Genocide (blerg, how unfortunate is that moniker?) always talked about his hotness and his nice legs. So, the three of us got to talking and flirting all the time, and God and I started going out on dates the summer I was 17 and he was 27. I had a thing for porn then on the family computer, and I wanted very much to be his "barely legal" super sexy fuckable plaything. I got my wish.

We made out a lot before the summer when I turned 18, but he had a knack for ignoring me during work hours. It never bothered me until the following summer when I started having sex with him (I was legally old enough, people!). Then it gets all sorts of emotionally confusing, needy, and immature actions and manipulative power plays started happening on both sides. For me, it was being unable to handle all of these feelings I had for him and not knowing how to act around him or how to talk to him, and with him it was being kind of ashamed of being driven so crazy by someone so young and trying to not take it seriously for concern with his 'reputation'. So I would just have sex with him, doing whatever he told me, because I didn't really know, on the boss's desk and at his place nearby and in public and even on the beach. Beyond my flirting with/saying lines from porn to him/inventing double entendres and acting out fantasy scenes with him (all fun), I'm not sure if I ever really knew him, though I'm inclined to say, No.

Erotic Encounters, The Intro

Long ago now, almost half my life ago, I had my first kiss. That was at the tender age of 16. After that, I kept a meticulous record of everyone I ever kissed or did anything more with. It remained meticulous up until college, when alcohol made things a little murkier. Finally, about a year ago, I abandoned the full list, since there were just too many to remember anymore and I wasn't being steadfast in it anyway. The list topped out at over 200.

The list is now in a journal in storage, so all I have is memory.

Women were of course on the Kiss List as well, but after I abandoned the list, I didn't particularly count them as sexual partners. After having talked it out with others privy to the question, it's come to light that I should count women because I'm bi. But, unlike my male sexual partners, I can't remember them all specifically and I don't have the list. So, the females that I've been sexual with are for a separate section. I would say I'm a Kinsey 2, so most are men anyway, but this is not to diminish the amazing women who have been a part of my life in a sexual way as well.

Some of my sexual conquests that haven't appeared in this blog have 'names', if you will. These are from my old, mostly friends-only LiveJournal, which was in action beginning at age 17. I'm going to keep those names. If someone who was never 'named' ends up mattering throughout the story, then I'll give them a name according to the theme in which others were named around that time period. (Bonus: Can you guess what this blog's theme is? Some people, you may notice, don't fit that theme and that's because they had names prior to Sex in the City of Roses.) Annoyingly, some people with the best names, such as Jesus and Moses, I never did have sex with, although those particular two were the basis of a short story that is simply spectacular. But, I digress.

The Erotic Encounters series will start with Partner 1 and be broken up over many posts. I will do my very best to get the order right. If you want to read them in ascending order, they will all be filed under the label "Erotic Encounters".

Slut Injustice

I long in many ways to use my true identity, and the identities of those who are written about in this blog.

I long to reclaim my identity as a "slut".

Why does this have to be a bad thing? I've had sex with quite a few people now, and I don't regret any of them. A couple of them I regretted at the time but grew from it, many I enjoyed, a couple I loved dearly, a handful said they (true or not) loved me, all of them I remember. I don't understand why enjoying sex with more than a couple of people, of both genders, has to be looked upon as such a bad thing by society. Why I have to hide it all from the general public in fear for my reputation with my career and my straight-laced friends, and why my mom is concerned about my never finding The One.

I hope one day that our little Sex Positive movement, toward sexual openness and true polyamory, will someday become worthwhile, and that the world will be a better, less discriminatory place for it.

I hope that the contents of this journal, which are all true accounts of my life's events, will one day be seen not as shocking or strange or wrong or immoral, but simply the accounts of what it was like to be a woman at the turn of the millennium, at the forefront of a movement toward higher consciousness and a more peaceful world.

Besides what I would consider the word "Slut" in a negative connotation at the forefront of many people's minds, I've encountered more than a couple of obstacles to a true sex-positive society.  Namely:

Some Shit I Like On Tumblr

  So hawt

Raine Tales

I awoke at around 8:30 am this morning, next to a gorgeous 20 year old. I shall call him Josiah. I had a terrible headache and rued taking that last tequila shot at the bar last night after Thom left*. But I pounded some water and a painkiller and went back to sleep.

(*Yes, homie was at the bar with us. I won't divulge which bar it was, but AMEN. He's got like 7 more months before he's 21 and I hella would never wait that long to be able to go out with him.)

A filling popped out 2 nights ago and I haven't been able to get a dentist appointment. Hence the painkillers. They make me a little sick and spacey feeling. But the hangover was sure gone and so was the horrible pain in my mouth.

Josiah and I had sex two more times and snuggled a lot before I had to get on a conference call for work. He's so hot and so bi. He fucked me unprotected and cummed up in me. That hasn't happened for so long. He smells so good. He feels so amazing and so warm. I already miss him. He said to me, "I think you're great." He has a boyfriend he wants me to meet. He's nice and easygoing and fun. He's tall and lanky and has a sweet face and red hair, and he's kind of androgynous. SO sexy!

I pounded some diet pills to awaken and made it to my conference call. I thought I would feel sick and loopy but I was fine. Been working all day and can't get Josiah off my mind. He was showing me his boyfriend through Facebook and nearly saw this blog ;) Glad he didn't. I don't mind if he does read it one day, but I don't think we need to delve into it quite yet. Recent entries are all about the exes, anyway. Kind of a buzzkill for NRE.

Daydreaming! Going to go masturbate about him for a minute then get packing for my trip tomorrow!

It's Raining Men

With the blip of a New Year reconnect a distant memory already, and new guys coming by the crib nearly every day (just to hang out/cuddle, only once was sex actually had to any extent), it's time to face the facts here: I'm single.

Welcome to 30

They say it's the New 20, right? Well, I am here to say that's wrong. So much shit happened in my twenties as to render me an entirely different person than I was at 20. And, I'm all the better for it, give or take.

This year has been interesting so far in the City of Roses, even though it's only a few days old. I'm in a bit of a sexually frustrating period now, but I'm at least in a better place than a year ago. I'm sure things will start picking up and I'll be able to start having fun again, and being more motivated. In the meantime, reaching back to the end of 2012 for the update:

1.) I had a week-long affair with the one Gaius. He's been my friend for 8 years or so now, ever since he and his then-girlfriend lived next door to Hannah. Our affair was very intense and very awesome, and the feeling seemed so mutual that it was absolutely perfect. It would have made a great poly love affair to write about, except that one day, it wasn't. I was supposed to go with Tamara to his show (he's a musician, that's bad news already), but he texted me 25 minutes after I was supposed to have arrived that he couldn't make it. Sensing that something bad must have happened for him to cancel his paid performance with his band, I texted back that I hope everything's OK and asked what happened. I never got a response. Nor a Happy New Year nor a Happy Birthday nor a What's up nor any other sort of communications. I have some idea what's behind it (drama with one of his existing lovers, who was married to someone else), but in truth, if it were going to happen for us, it would have. THE END.

2.) I spent New Year with Halah. It was an amazing two days we spent together, even though we pretty much didn't have sex. Well, the one time we did, I actually kind of initiated, but then he said he was 'dehydrated' and stopped. Blerg. Still, it was a wonderful, sweet, and loving time that will never be recaptured: As with all things Halah, that beautiful time came to an end and he doesn't really want to talk with me now. Literally, he ditched me the night of my birthday and made it a Don't Call Me, I'll Call You situation. I haven't seen him in a week, and ironically, now it's totally over and I don't have words for it. THE END. I think. Again.

3.) I am thirty years old. At first, I was completely depressed about it. Now, I am going to embrace my thirties, in a much smarter way than I embraced my twenties. I'm going into it vegan and as an avid bike enthusiast and gym rat, and activist for causes I believe in. (All thanks to the encouragement of a one Halah. He may be a mean-spirited asshole, but I think I got the best of what he had to offer.) I never thought in a million years I would be here when I turned 30, living in West Portland, writing professionally and personally, playing dulcimer and painting, crying at times and drinking heavily at others. I had dreams ten years ago and throughout my twenties that are all but gone now. I need new dreams, and they are starting to form, slowly but surely. This time, I am going to still dream big, but I'm going to dream smart, too. I'm going to fight and claw my way through this jungle until I come through the other side with success.

Mazel tov!