The Cycle of Addiction

Just when you think someone’s gone from your life forever, BAM! Things change and you find yourself back in a situation.

The situation’s name here is Josiah. I texted him at random yesterday while sitting in a PSU coffee shop, and he actually wrote back and was apologetic. He said he was in court. He has to take courses to avoid felony drug possession charges.

I was ruthlessly horny yesterday, by the way. I get in these modes where nearly anyone who isn't fat will do, all the better if it’s someone I know who has good skills or at least I suspect does. So basically yesterday I was texting nearly everyone that was on the roster of “potential”, which led me to Josiah. 

I texted him just to say I was disappointed in him. The text definitely wasn’t about “Come fuck me.” But, long story short, that’s kind of what happened. He met up with me after court and then we went home and fucked like mad. Twice. I told him, “I can’t believe I fucked you after you were such an asshole!”

His excuse: Heroin. He said he’s looked for this blog, so he might actually read it one day, which is awkward but he wouldn’t be the first one written about to read the thing. Although while I was in the Shit Show, it made me cautious about writing about the others in the relationship because they would read it. I’d like to not have that caution. Also, I’m not really dating Josiah.

I did, however, meet up with his friend with him and the three of us ended up hanging out for the rest of the evening. Then they got some drugs from someone at a bar (trying to keep it secret from me, as though I was born yesterday) and… Curtain. They both get into rehab today so I won’t see them. Best wishes with that. Curtain Josiah for real this time. He is really hot, though. For someone so fucked up.

He said, “I think our generation is just waiting for the world to end.” I think he is right. But I don’t consider myself part of that generation. It’s for people born ca. 1990 or later, I would say. He’s also really introspective, which is great. I’d like to hope that he is going to make something of himself. I see the seeds of not caring and/or giving up in him, which is just like Hannah and Zeruah’s little brother, and Iran (their cousin), my old roommate that I'm here escaping, and Bojangles, Mz Thang, Zeruah herself a bit, and all the rest of the addicts I’ve known and still in my heart don’t give up on. For them, I’d like to believe it’s all going to be OK. But it isn’t OK, and it’s an incredible emotional toll to be around them. 

Josiah will be the same. He’s optimistic now, but this is his first time in rehab and he was already getting high last night and trying to hide it. He didn’t know what he was doing getting drugs for someone one day, and the next thing he’s lost his job and his family relationship is severed and he’s shooting up to make it through a rough patch and his friends are all doing that, too. He won't hear it now, but he'll probably end up moving back to his home ton eventually if he's smart, after going down this rabbit hole enough to where he realizes he can't actually hack it in this town.

Clearly he’s in the “Part of me really likes him even though I know I shouldn’t” category. I think I’m just attracted to beautiful yet messed up people. Keeps it interesting I suppose.