It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]



I can't even say who I was anymore before I moved back to Portland. I was a PhD student in Cell and Molecular Biology who was very smart and had a career ahead of me that I could gloat about. Then I realized how dull and soul-crushing that future was and soundly rejected it and didn't have an identity anymore for a while.

I wonder if taking the charade of this biomedical degree all the way to an MS, Vermont, and 1/2 a PhD was just as stupid of an idea as thinking that Amariah was just my rebound and wouldn't be important to my life. NO REALLY! I really thought that! I have whimsical notes scribbled on the inside of a copy of Canto General to prove it!! *FACE TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN PALM* Hindsight is 20/20, though, as they say.

Yesterday I broke down and cried a little bit about missing Vermont and the little sheltered, miserable life I had there, that nonetheless I looked very very hot while leading. I would be a doctor this year alongside Amariah and not have these 20 pounds. Vermont was an incredibly beautiful state, too, with all the snow and the Last of the Mohicans trees in the rolling hills of forest, and those fucking sunsets over the lake... I started even liking some of the people there. I never allowed myself to think of any part of it as good. But it was, and I learned a lot. The most valuable lessons coming from outside the classroom, of course.

Here in Portlandia I am anything but sheltered and at least smart. I'm actually having to put up more boundaries! Dammit. Like, I'm here at home working and dissing about 3-5 invitations to hang out. Responsibility and such... Even though technically I don't have to work right now, it feels right.

I totally wouldn't have gotten to talk to Amariah if I'd been out, either. Hearing about his graduating and such makes me feel strangely free, though. Hearing about his career path and all that fills me with the crushing disappointment that I had while I was in Vermont about missing out on life. I am glad for all the angst I've experienced to at least have had these opportunities to live with my eyes open to what the struggle for existence is like outside of the gated community that is Acadamia.

Clearly I will always hold this little flame for Amariah, which I am glad about. Yet I wonder if he today would truly be on the life path that I am; one where I could say something like, I'm moving to [insert beautiful locale here] or I want to travel the world for an indefinite period of time. Maybe someday, though. God I love Amariah.

Speaking of: It seems like my exes come to me in packs or something. One day in January I think literally all of my heartbreaks contacted me in one day while I was typing away at Tamara's house. Any of those were not good interactions except for Amariah. This week seems to be going the way of exes contacting me, but in a good way: This weekend was a booty call (the text: "Want to get insanely drunk and have awesome sex with me?") from Halah that I did NOT go to, instead going to Isaiah's surprise party and having sleepover at my house with Evi and her friend. And now Halah's helping me with an activism project and I think he and I will actually end up being pals. I texted him, "OMG I love you, I'm not just saying that" and he wrote back, "I know". I can just see his cute smile at that, in same way  he would half-asleep turn and say, "Come back baby" or some other somehow endearing condescension and pull me in next to him and hold me in the most sweet and warm full-body embrace... Ugh, he's such a jerk but unlike other people who have been jerks he is redeeming. It's a toss-up as to whether he's better than Elijah. I'm inclined to say Yes on some fronts.

Elijah is another ex briefly in the picture in a better way. Namely, I had an incredibly vivid sex dream about him while napping in the middle of the day and wrote him a 100% sober letter on my phone right after. Which of course I regretted, seeing as he took it as a sex invite and not the offering of peace and friendship I meant it as. (Although sex could be bonobo style or maybe polyamory community style peace offering? Or maybe it was just plain wishful thinking.) He did say in the response how the sex with me was "some of the best of his life", which, coming from him, is actually quite the compliment. Anyway, I guess the exchange of friendly emails accomplishes the end of a year of mutual hatred and now I feel released from the burden of carrying that around.

BTW I think these ppl are deluded, I'm awful at sex. Super closed in the heart chakra, throat chakra, sacral chakra, and root chakra. Hemorrhaging energy from the Third Eye and Solar Plexus. Translation: I'll pour sexual energy all over you but I won't connect with you, so it'll all be about me and I'll be in my head the whole time.

Oh, also released: Cyrus. Long story short, Ashtoreth and Sole mentioned him and it was like, Huh. I'm not angry anymore.

I guess the moral of the story is, accept your choices and make peace with them. I dwell in the past far too much.

If it's not OK, it's not the end.