Resolving my Personal Conflix

Today is a beautiful day out the window of my downtown apartment. This weekend was incredibly lovely as well, with Ladies Weekend kicking ass and a great St. Patty's Day followed by a slasher movie with Thom. Ishbar is a good influence, for sure. She's very calm and collected and focused. Jerusha is a great too. And really, all of my other lovely friends.

For anyone who follows this (IDK if anyone does, although someone is reading at least, as discerned from the occasional snarky comment), I changed Ruth's name back to Ruth. She didn't like the name I originally picked for her, and after last week's little upset, I thought, "She totally doesn't merit the name Ruth." However, I realized thanks to Ishbar and reading aloud to her while we were riding home from the book she got this weekend:

• Ruth does merit the name.
• Things will be fine for us as friends soon enough, but we were probably better not as lovers. It sucks in my world that I had to sever the tie immediately, but I have to let my romantic feelings about her die down. I mostly direct the ire at Josiah in this situation, but she did betray me by talking shit and lying to me about him and downplaying that we were together. More than that, I resent myself for bringing someone back into my life that had already proved he wasn't worthwhile.
• I may have actually been a bad influence on her and Josiah.  It would be very condescending to celebrate his sobriety whilst having zero intention of doing that myself. I'm totally not sorry; unless it's to say, Sorry you chased the Green Dragon, Josiah, and now you can't handle your drugs like a real person. But, in the world of a person who can't handle their shit, hanging with someone who is pulling their life together whilst sometimes snorting painkillers, always trying to find blow, and oft drinking in the middle of the day CANNOT be a good influence. I mean, it basically sends the message that you can be functional and have fun with substances as well! But not you, Josiah. You lost that privilege. And that kind of person can never be trusted, especially if you live in a beautiful glass house.
• As far as Ruth and the above, she is a little trouble maker. It would have been super fun to get into trouble with her... We're older, so it couldn't be that bad... Or maybe it could've, IDK... But she betrayed me too early on for us to really take off as partners, in crime and in otherwise.
• I didn't at all like the idea that she has kids. I liked the kids themselves, a lot, but not the idea of it. Not ready.
• I need to have a better screening process for who I actually end up dating. Someone with any level of hard drug problem should not be making it through! All it ends up being is catering to that person and their needs and they bring nothing to the table. I didn't want to be judgmental at first, but that should've gone out the window. 
• Power plays are also bad. I think it's high time to realize that it's never worth it to get into a power struggle with someone, because you've lost just by playing.

I'm really glad I didn't write to Elijah. Jezebel and Ahijah would make great mediators in that situation, but in remembering with Ishbar and Jerusha what that "Shit Show" was like, Elijah was and always will be terrible. Even talking to him once would undoubtedly remind me why I can't be around him, and I think the whole thing would backfire. Prior to those conversations with Ishbar and Jerusha, all I could think about was that maybe Elijah and I could be lovers for the rest of our lives without my family finding out and without it ever being more than that, since he can't give me all of the life I want but together we could definitely create a lot of the best parts of our dream. He would be like... A treasured concubine. Except he's the charismatic cult leader, too. But no, that's only the romantic part of it that I all of a sudden missed. The screaming, the manipulative power plays, the put-downs, breaking agreements whenever it's no longer convenient, anger-management issues, blame-gaming, hypocrisy, public shaming, etc, would also all be there. And, there's just no way I can separate out the parts that I really love from everything else.

OK. I wish this entry didn't turn into another mild bitchfest, but alas. That's all I really have time for. That's what the blog is for, though, so I can talk about other things with people and still have personal growth and realizations. 

People seemed to really read and follow my Livejournal, and even provide somewhat constructive comments! So when I wrote that piece about not sounding bitter, it's because I was concerned about my image. But I guess I'm freed of that concern now, really. Although I should work on not being so bitter. I mean, I've been this way since like age 20, now it's just solidified.