Revelations Left and Right

No one I ever date or am friends with should ever ever read this blog until they know me really, really well.

I sound really un-compassionate, although that's not at all the case IRL... It's more that this blog serves as a sounding board for all the angst I have inside.

I'm not really sure how I got such a "life is hard, buck the fuck up" attitude. I think because my life has been difficult and dark at times.

But I like this about myself. It pervades my sense of beauty and creativity. I stuff all my feelings about people and about things I see that strike me as sad and unjust, and blow them off in ire through writing. Life is hard, I know that. I don't think anyone should be shielded or covered from that. Either you'd be devastatingly shattered to learn the truth, or you'd live in a bubble your whole life and never really understand how the world is– the latter of which I consider far worse.

The revelations for me are nearly free-flowing at this point. When it rains it pours! Why I'm so switched on:

• It's Spring
• I was just incredibly inspired by a trip to Mexico. 
• Directly after that, I was at what amounts to a group therapy workshop in the forest for a week that focused on healing emotional wounds. 
• I just had to move exceedingly suddenly, possibly losing a few prized possessions in the process, after being verbally assaulted by a neighbor and locked out of Tamara's place all day (hung over) while they changed the locks, and then having Security called on me
• Finally moving into a more permanent home all of a sudden
• Having to deal with having literally no money because of that 
• Taking on extra work to get back in a better financial position all but having had horrible Writer's Block anyway because of all the angst
• Needing to get work done all the time and never feeling like I make enough progress
• In light of all, this double breakup is coming at a good time. I am coping with pretty well but still having hundreds of distracting realizations about constantly.

One of the realizations is that if it were innocent and they were just going to date and be honest about it eventually, I would've gotten over it and left them be and all would be happy. Hell, Bojangles did that to me with the Sleeper after I'd rescued her from her abusive ex, and she has an ongoing heroin/ crystal meth problem. So she's like both Ruth and Josiah in one problematic ginger! And I've made up with Bojangles always, because she's always been a real friend. Fucking Bojangles has been MIA for literally years, shooting up in a small town in Oregon, and I still would forgive her for everything if I saw her and we would BBQ and play horseshoes like she'd never been away. And Zeruah, too, stole a lot of money from me and is a huge drama queen/bitch/hard drug addict, and all is fine now.

So I know that the reasons why I was so unnaturally angry about this stupid Ruth situation aren't purely the ones I listed. No, Ruth crossed me on an unforgivable level by lying. I believed in her and let myself feel safe with her and she threw me under the bus for personal gain when it wasn't necessary. I don't think I had crossed her in such a way that I deserved it. There are times when I am certain I am pulling something in, and on this, I am certain that I was not. Sometimes people come at you with their own baggage and there's nothing you can do about it. It sounds like a cop out, but I've had people I'd never met take one glance at me and dislike me, and I've had to learn to not take all of people's hangups about me personally. I'm not responsible for whatever it was about me that inspired her to feel competitive and turn her back on me. So, cut her out and move on. It sounds callous, but at the end of the day, I ignored some large red flags I had about her and I don't need her or her fucked up life or her fucked up behavior and never did.

Another one bites the dust...

In other news, Uriah got in touch with me through fucking OkCupid. Seeing him would be perfect and nearly too good to be true. He's so non-dramatic and so perfect. He fits the entire description of what I was and am looking for, but I was too fucked up to see it when I needed to and when we could have been together. Ah, ignorance. *Face palm*

Honestly, the creative stories that are flowing in my mind because of it all are NUMEROUS. These are kind of sad and angsty parts to the stories, though, not as sexy as when I was inspired last fall. It's a whole different place in my psyche. Unfortunately, not all of the creativity can be properly channeled into work at this time, but some of it is filtering through...