Don't ever look back.They might be gaining on you

I'm about to leave for Girls weekend.

Last night, I was dancing with my friends at a friend's DJ set in a smallish dive bar on the East side after the anti-fluoridation rally. We got to the show last night and said "Cheers" after we took turns bitching and made eye contact and laughed away our problems. Then, dancing and merriment with many of my dearest loving friends: Jerusha, Jezebel, Ahijah, Thom, Sole, Ishbar, Haman, Barakel, and a host of others un-named for the purposes of the story of this blog.


I awoke next to the sexy bisexual English major in his spectacular apartment in the Pearl. His bookshelves are enviable, I must say. There is something about bookshelves that's porn-like. Anyway, that was fucking awesome. I forgot about him until seeing him totally at random last night. I sort of wrote him off the first couple dates we went on because he seemed too hot for me and also he is really intimidating with his analyses of literature. But, interestingly, I found myself talking about him with a few different people for days before I saw him, so it was almost as though I called him in somehow.

His interpretation of literature and art as a whole is that it's meant for the reader/viewer and not necessarily trying to 'prove' the intent of the author. One of his tattoos is a really deep and beautiful line from a poem, seeing that last night was a lil swoon-worthy, although the real pantie dropper was of course the bookshelves. And the huge set of windows on the brick wall of his apartment.

Literally, I could write a whole mini-series titled "Waking up in the Pearl," which is always awesome (even totally fucking hung over, as has happened in the past).

INTERJECT: I texted him my favorite saying in Latin, and he texted me back his: Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo. Um, wow. I haven't met someone this nerdy in quite sometime. I was and am still intimidated. I don't want to get overly excited because I think that blinds me to red flags. But, to be fair, this has been going on for like 2 months already. ANYWAY. I need to not get obsessive, it's a little bit of my downfall as a Red Ray.

This comes on the heels of a stinging Ruth/ Josiah betrayal. I always knew he was no good for me, but I didn't expect him to steal my girlfriend in addition to everything else he was putting me through. A quote from another situation applies here: "It's damaging and you're getting nothing out of it."You can't steal the willing, though, that's what gets me. And apparently there was a lot of shit talking about me, which was not necessary. Eh. I was fine with her up until this. So, I guess I cut about 300 pounds of fat from my life that wasn't serving me.

I thought last night as I was dancing with my friends and being merry that she never even got to know me in that way (neither did he, although I can't say why but I don't really care as much). She got to know me in a period where I had to travel and work a lot and move and blah blah blah and was so angsty, and then held it all against me. Well, whatever, I should never have trusted Ruth either. I keep doing this same thing to myself with trusting people and I don't want to change because I like living my life that way.

Although, when I put it into perspective, this sitch is kind of mild and in a week will be a distant memory. The worst poly relationship horrific fallout being Ezekiel/Amariah. I probably won't ever live that down. Jerusha, Ahijah, Jezebel and I organized all the guys I've dated in Portland from worst to best (Ruth doesn't count, since she's the only girl and it's different). Josiah takes the cake for absolute worst, then Voldamort, then Cyrus, then Halah* (see note), and Elijah (!) was actually the best so far.

(*That realization last night led me to texting him this morning telling him that I was sorry I didn't see him on his birthday, but it's just because I'm not over him enough to be friends yet. Also, I did and do actually love him. So I shouldn't denounce that as a lie. Sorry for talking so much shit, if you're reading, Halah.) 

Ahijah had said earlier that Elijah was actually perfect for me, and that freaked me out a little. But Jezebel is right, he has huge anger problems and couldn't give me the life I want, and all my friends and family hate him, although if it had been right for he and I to be together, they would all have had to learn to deal. Well, you can't separate the parts you want from the parts you don't. It's probably shallow that I wanted a certain life more than him, but he actually gave me more than anyone ever has. For the first time in a whole year, I actually miss Elijah. I also should finally admit to myself that I was really happy living with him in the trailer, I just couldn't deal with his total lack of ambition combined with his total anger problem. I'm torn on whether I should actually apologize to him via email or whether I have to just learn to live with how sad I am about him for the first time.

Sorry for everything, Elijah, if you're reading this. I know it won't make things work out, but maybe we could be loving friends instead of mortal enemies.

OK, that is a ton of huge life realizations at once.

Playing "Rock Away Blind" by Lindsey Buckingham on repeat. Feeling introspective. Obvi.