Poly Agreements: Yes, we can do this like Adults

I woke up this morning to Thom's friend Bukkiah fucking me on my couch. He's not so much to look at, but a good lover. Also, way too into me/ obsessive about me.

Andrew pretty much ix-nay'd this from continuing after he moves up here in a couple weeks, because he says that the guy is too into me. Which I agree, not to mention that Bukkiah lives far away and from what I can tell about his personality would be 'secondary' status at best; but probably not even that.

WHAT? You may ask. Yes, Andrew and I are having a conversation already about what we are OK with as far as poly. He's not especially poly in that he draws the line at having feelings. I drew the line at sex, but oral sex allowed. He was stoked about that. He originally was texting me with messages about how he wanted to put his dick in this girls' face who as passed out in the other room (he'd hooked up with her before). My response was, "Send photos".

However, I got worked into a bit of a tizzy when I realized how deceitful he was being. I was blindly trusting him when he was saying shit (many times, over the course of many drawn-out conversations) about only wanting to be with me and blah, blah. Turns out he's hitting up all kinds of people in San Diego before he leaves and was just not telling me about it.

A cheating monogamist. I have so much disdain for them. Not to mention that I actually have brought up poly a lot and he seemed to reject the idea... Apparently until it was convenient not to.



Earlier I was pretty blown out by the whole thing and honestly wanted to offer to just be friends with him and maybe we'll get to be together if he earns it for real. I did some blow and started drinking a bit; that helped me feel better. Perhaps I shall sleep on it before I really say anything. I'm writing it here at this point to avoid texting him the inevitable breakup text.

(Or, did it ever really even begin? He was being sketchy about that too. Double speak and such. Clearly if it's not a 'Hell Yeah!' it's just a 'No', as I've gone through too much trying to convince people to want to be with me who didn't.)

To think, I was actually sort of excited about being monogamous with him for a while! It would have been an adventure. We talk of buying a house together near Eve and Abel's, of traveling together to Southeast Asia, of our deepest relationship fears, of how we just want love and it doesn't particularly matter to either of us where it goes.

I know it was never going to be permanent; I'm not an idiot. I don't think we really love each other that way. But I felt in love with him and I like him, and this is an interesting adventure and I felt ready for it.

Now I realize, it's not meant to be. I've had qualms about it constantly; but I don't like my commitment-phobia getting in the way. I was (am?) so into him, and I felt like some of the red-ish flags I was 'seeing' were maybe just ways I was trying to talk myself out of a relationship: He wants to hit his children; he hides things from me or doesn't fully give me a straight answer; he seems to really want a relationship with me and I don't know why (he says he's never hit a woman but I get some sort of weird abusive vibe off of that that I can't exactly place); even when I told him he should be an honest polyamorist instead of a cheating monogamist, he gave me this sort of, 'I'm not going to cheat on you because I don't know anyone there/ no one is attracted to me' bullshit that is in no way actually re-assuring. Literally all he's saying with those statements is that he lacks opportunity; which, as a hot new piece of prime real estate in town, he won't lack long. Not to mention when he VISITED here it took him all of 2 days to fuck one of my friends.

Honestly, I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't even really know him. His lack of clarity and straight-forward communication are the truest signs, ironically.

Basically, Thom is right, and so is Uriah.

ASIDE: I hung out with Uriah this weekend! And Canaan! And co! We partied in the empty apartment next door with the beautiful North-facing deck all night on Saturday night with a ton of blow. The sunrise over the downtown skyline was spectacular. Still, I think I will be staying in my apartment as it is. If fucking Andrew weren't moving in, I would fucking bankrupt myself to move next door, but because it's so much smaller and would cost so much, it probably isn't worth it. Still, everyone who was here that night unequivocally loved it next door on that deck.

Actually, I'm going to sneak out there for a cig now. They're doing construction on it between tenants and leaving it unlocked.
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I'm sad. I think the spell is broken with Andrew. Before it even began. And to think, I told all my friends and family about it, and they all loved him and were actually happy for me. Back to the drawing board now. Ugh; I've been so stupid!

Maybe having him living with me for a little bit will be good in the sense that I won't be able to have people over to fuck as often, which in some ways sucks a lot, but in another way will help me find a real partner and weed out a lot of the casual randoms. (I haven't had a one-night stand in a few months at least, so that's not bad.)

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