Slut Injustice

I long in many ways to use my true identity, and the identities of those who are written about in this blog.

I long to reclaim my identity as a "slut".

Why does this have to be a bad thing? I've had sex with quite a few people now, and I don't regret any of them. A couple of them I regretted at the time but grew from it, many I enjoyed, a couple I loved dearly, a handful said they (true or not) loved me, all of them I remember. I don't understand why enjoying sex with more than a couple of people, of both genders, has to be looked upon as such a bad thing by society. Why I have to hide it all from the general public in fear for my reputation with my career and my straight-laced friends, and why my mom is concerned about my never finding The One.

I hope one day that our little Sex Positive movement, toward sexual openness and true polyamory, will someday become worthwhile, and that the world will be a better, less discriminatory place for it.

I hope that the contents of this journal, which are all true accounts of my life's events, will one day be seen not as shocking or strange or wrong or immoral, but simply the accounts of what it was like to be a woman at the turn of the millennium, at the forefront of a movement toward higher consciousness and a more peaceful world.

Besides what I would consider the word "Slut" in a negative connotation at the forefront of many people's minds, I've encountered more than a couple of obstacles to a true sex-positive society.  Namely:

1. People assume Sexy= Slut. WTF about this. First of all, slut is not a bad thing. Second, oozing sexuality isn't always a conscious choice and it doesn't mean you will sleep with anyone. It means you pick your people, you're just more open about your sexual nature. To me that's not slutty. Look at Europe: In Rome, everywhere you look, everyone is sexy and beautiful and well-dressed and dry-humping on the Spanish Steps, and everyone there thinks it's cute and romantic while Americans use terms like "loose" and "immoral" for the same things. There's a certain level where you come to accept that you have to leave those unfortunate life-hating people in misery and be happy. You see, I've been hardened: Even before I'd racked up enough partners by age 30 to be considered 'slutty', apparently I still had that sexy and open-minded vibe or something, so people were already assuming I was a slut even as a virgin in high school. Sexiness should be celebrated, not shamed! 
2. People think you'll have sex with anything. I once read a shirt that read, "I'M BISEXUAL, POLYAMOROUS, AND KINKY. NO I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU." (I don't yet have the nerve to wear it.) Guess what? Sluts are selective! For the number of people after me, whether or not they just want to use me for sex or want to try for some sort of relationship that will never happen, not so many people make the cut. The percentage who get in that are usury is much lower nowadays, too, partly because I am better at spotting a lemon. The fact is, I've had plenty of men on my grill just because they heard I'm "poly" (which in a lower-minded person= "slutty") and they think that means it'll be no big deal to get me to sleep with them. I probably won't, unless I'm super desperate or you're super confident and hot and awesome and weird. 
3. People Don't Take You Seriously. So you know, because you can't tell, I'm pretty attractive and I have naturally large breasts and blond hair. I bet you probably thought so already, seeing as that's the stereotype. But guess what? I've seen sexually open poly women who are super obese and some who are petite and flat as a board. We're all kinds. Unfortunately, my looks fit the stereotype, so people get to judge me on first glance without even talking to me, and believe me they have. People seem to automatically look at me and write me off because they are jealous in some way. Or, so I think is the underlying reason. Anyway, that reliable "she looks like a slut" fallback seems like an easy out that people want to rely on instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings and actions.
4. People assume you feel bad about how many people you've been with. "Slut-shaming" assumes that if a person is a so-called "Slut" that s/he feels bad about him/herself. NEWSFLASH: Reclaim the word Slut! It is not something to be ashamed of. As in The Ethical Slut, your sexual partners should always be celebrated, and you should always feel free to explore having sex with anyone you want to that also wants you. I know lots of slutty people who seem to want to hide it and lie about it because society seems their behavior wrong or immoral. I don't want to live in that world.
5. Men assume they don't have to care about your feelings. To roll this in a little with Problems #2 and #3, it seems that once you get the "Slut" tag, men assume they don't have to treat you respectfully. The gamut of unacceptable behavior seems suddenly justified for some reason: Trying to fuck you in the ass against your will ("you're a slut, you want it"), avoiding being seen with you in public (WTF? I can't remember the last time it happened to me personally but it's a common dick move), booty calling you at 4 a.m. when the coke's gone and he wants to get his limp dick wet, grabbing at your ass/tits, fucking you every day but lying about the fact that he's  never thought of you as 'dateable' or is actually serious about someone else. And, I'm willing to bet anything that at least some of those who I've scorned have chalked it up to my supposed skank-ness that I don't like them. Instead of, you know, analyzing their own behaviors and/or realizing that I'm just not interested.
6. Jealous people will try to hold you back. The head of my lab in Vermont was a jealous older woman, an older lady who never married (except to her work) and undoubtedly one who once had her heyday and was ultra jealous. The head of the department, also an older woman, was not incredibly attractive, likely married early, never had a heyday, and also was incredibly jealous of my youth and beauty. So, I didn't get a PhD because of that. That's the granddaddy of those stories, though there are hundreds of them. (I would LOVE to shame those bitches by using their real names. Mark my words: Someday I will. When the time is right and it will hurt the most.) Besides that, I seem to constantly have to hold myself back or put myself down to make other people feel comfortable with me. Men think I'm too smart and too beautiful and are so fucking intimidated by me while women think I'm imminently going to steal 'their' men and once again, intimidated. FUCK THAT. I should be hanging with better people if that's the case, although at work and the gym and other situations it's sometimes unavoidable. Still, I shouldn't have to hide my God-given talents just to make other people feel better. I have my own insecurities and inadequacies, and you have thousands of qualities that I will never have so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND OWN THAT AND LET ME SHINE ALREADY. I'm sure all sorts of hot girls can relate.
7. People think you're not relationship material. Unlike with many of the older poly married couples I know, where the premise was at least for a time monogamous or there were monogamy-based rules with a 'primary' partner, if you're single and poly, that seems like a death sentence for a partner wanting to bond with you. My assumption is that, other issues aside, people just assume that if you're a slut (aka a single poly woman who doesn't want kids), you don't want a relationship. Or maybe he's curious about the lifestyle or even just wants to be with you but can't take the sexual energy, so underneath he's willing to play along for a while even though deep down he knows he would never introduce you to his mother. (Halah. What a fucking mistake that was.)
8. People assume you're not smart. As a smart woman, this one is bonifyingly infuriating. I've had to work extra hard my whole life to prove I'm as smart as anyone else. Sometimes, I try to blend in with the general intelligence of my surroundings so that I fit in, though. It's better to be underestimated, I think. People never see it coming that way.
9. People think you're slutty because something bad happened to you in the past. Raped, cheated on, Daddy issues, you name it, people will use it to try and justify away that you like sex and want to explore it with multiple people. Guess what? None of it is why I'm this way. I just always have been a sex demon, even as a virgin, and I'm a free-spirited, open-minded girl. And it makes me happy. I wish I were more slutty, but I'm just too sub and not confident (still) and very awkward. Also I'm poly (not an ish to find poly m/f in Portland but most are straight), and I have a fetish for gay (or bi) men, which makes it difficult to find suitable people to date. But not to worry, I'm working on it. (Case in point: Josiah.)
10. Your friends/family assume something's wrong with you. Even Tracy McMillan said it: You're not married because you're a slut. You've racked up too many partners (whatever that means) by living some deviant lifestyle and you're just not getting with the program and that's why you're not in a miserable 'monogamous' relationship with a shitty job, 2 dogs, 2 kids, a husband who bangs his mistress only slightly behind your back and a major alcohol-and-Xanax problem so you can hide your crushing disappointment at throwing your dreams down the toilet to marry Mr. "I Guess He'll Do". (You can tell how I really feel at being looked down at by these people/having them feel sorry for me. Fuck right off, assholes.)