Anomaly

I seriously wonder sometimes WTH.

But life is as it is meant to be, no?

I had a breakdown today about my dad. I was looking for my library card and inadvertently found a photo in an old wallet of me next to him while he was in the hospital. He was covered in tubes and wearing a hat I brought him back from South America.

I'm just starting to accept how numb I went while my dad was sick and dying. It's as though I wanted to treat him like he would be well any second if he did the right things. I was mad at him for getting himself sick in the first place. For years I blamed him for getting himself sick; for not doing enough to get well; for not taking enough initiative.

I blame myself then and now for not doing enough. For leaving him to pursue a future that wasn't meant to be. For my believing he would be ok- that he would LIVE GODDAMNIT! When the future told me otherwise, even though I couldn't have known it then.

Dad, I love you far more than you would ever know. Or, you did know. In fact, I know it's more than you did know. Or maybe, in your wisdom, you know it all  along. Because I feel you with me more than anyone else does. 

And Dad, I love you like none other. If I ever have a Kindred Spirit in this life, it is you.

I know you're out there. Take care of me, Dad. You will always be my guide. I need and love you immensely. 

And I always will.