Anxiety for nothing

I'm in San Diego (with Solomon) and I should be working more diligently on an assignment about economic growth in the UK that was due yesterday, but I'm having anxiety over Halah that is nearly uncontrollable. I guess I need to be writing my angst in my blog to avoid doing something stupid like attempting yet again to engage him in conversation and once again, just look stupid and not be successful.

I admire Halah a lot and am very in love with him. He told me, "You'll just have to love me from afar," and I think that's what makes it burn even more: He doesn't feel the same way about me back. And because I have this propensity to always want to try, I can't stop having little realizations and trying to make him see that things can work out, if only...

But, I have to believe him rather than constantly trying to find evidence to the contrary. He actually told me that I've been maintaining an illusion of what I think is possible rather than living in the moment. Also, verbatim, he wrote me this:

I love very deeply when it somebody I share an intellectual, emotional connection with. You're just not that person for me.

I dreamed last night of many things: Jett (who is dead) in his trashed third-story attic apartment in Corvallis. Elijah and a blond, curly-haird boy from dance visiting Jett and being disgusted with the state of the apartment as Jett baked vegan lasagna (I remember him eating that exactly once, and he freaked about how many carbs were in it). Rats with their fur skinned off foraging and being eaten alive by (something)– the struggle for existence is what I took it as. Then I was walking outside the house, which was suddenly on a dock at Macadam Bay Club, and the house was a houseboat. Then Heidi Klum and Sole and Halah were there on the dock and we jumped into the Willamette as dolphins came swimming by.