On Delving Further into D/s and Poly

Despite working full-time for the past 2.5 months (!), I still have had a few adventures.

1.) I 'cheated' on my dom (Alvan). First of all, you know how there's some people you get in a relationship with and when it's over or time's gone by, it's done? Alvan is not one of them. (Neither are Amariah, Elijah, or Halah.) So even though it's been a substantial amount of time (5 months or so?) since he tied me up and beat me until I was crying my eyes out about Amariah, I still feel loyal to Alvan. This other dom scared the shit outta me tho, to the point where I felt truly rattled about the experience. He is rich and powerful. He talked to me at length about the lifestyle, which also scared me, and I don't think I want to go down the rabbit hole of truly being a sub, even though apparently I'm good at it. Unlike Alvan, he did fuck me though. He also cuddled me after spanking me silly for a long while. I foresaw the relationship with this dom being quite intense and not something I'm totally after. I think this is the first time I've ever even written about it.

2.) The experience with the dom was sort of also 'cheating' on Halah, even though Halah's totally poly. I think it was the beginning of the end with Halah. He said "I love you" to me too quickly and it made me panic. I haven't had sex with him in over a month, even though we still have an emotional relationship. I'm totally in love with him. Ironically, my being a sub in some ways is interfering with my being with him because he's always on me to initiate and I just can't. The dom from above said he would hate the sub taking initiative, which means I'm a good sub for not doing that. Apparently the one time I did 'initiate' sex with Halah was also very sub: I nuzzled into him so that I could smell him and feel his body while he slept and then I masturbated, so that he awoke to me in his arms having an orgasm. I think it's quite sexy. However, I'm also ruthlessly insecure and he has all of these ongoing love affairs and is meeting new people and I don't know how to reconcile my intense feelings for him with the fact that I don't get to see him very often and that I don't feel close to him or that I get as much affection as the other lovers do. It is SO frustrating to think about. So we're still 'lovers' though I don't even know what that means and I constantly pine about him.

3.) Had a nice 4-sum with Jedidiah (who is not into me), Jezebel and Ahijah. I totally ruined it talking about how fat I am though.

4.) Been dating a hot 24-year-old. He's poly and super into me and I see him maybe once per week at most. Interestingly, since the 4-sum, he's the only person I've actually slept with for the past month, and that's only happened twice but it's been fun.

5.) Basically, however, I'm not getting laid, and Uriah, my lover I usually would go to, is in a monogamous relationship (!), and therefore gone. Which is strange. He would be on my list of ongoing emotional attachments, but isn't because of this. I feel like he is totally unavailable, which sucks, since the last I was near him, I still felt there was a lot of love there. (He was not impressed with my stories of Halah, either. "Boring!" is what he said about Halah's urination/female ejaculation fetish. I actually kind of agree, Halah's really no more freaky than that.) Elijah, I feel like all I would have to do is see him and talk to him and let chemistry take over better judgement. Amariah I still love and miss and would probably just cuddle with one time– hell, it only takes me being near him– to still feel all the love there, even if it wouldn't end in sex either. It would end up with us back in our non-traditional relationship that we had for years that was very unhealthy because neither of us knew how to communicate what we needed/wanted from the other in a constructive way.

My questions now: How do I shake this idea of poly that people seem to have of me that follows me around? I don't want a relationship where my partner has other lovers that I will never get to meet or know about. I do want someone who will bond with me and build a strong relationship before introducing others into. My idea is sharing and honesty.

Christopher Ryan seems to talk about how ancient human societies used to all share lovers, but those societies probably stuck together and saw each other all the time and were quite close-knit, the way that societies are notsomuch today. It just seems to leave insecurity and angst. I favor a flat organization, one in which there are a total of three or more people, fidelitous with each other, at least at first. This would be great for me because I could have hot orgies all the time with people I love and trust, and know that the relationship as a whole wouldn't crumble just because I get weird and depressed/creative sometimes and need to withdraw into my shell.

OK. Enough. No one ever reads this shit anyway except me.

Related articles

• Don't Judge Our Poly
• The Case for Monogamy - A Man's Perspective | Babble
• Oxytocin, Fidelity and Sex
• Exploring Non-Monogamy - Many & More

Cloudy Friday Night

It's been a while.

My job (which I still have and it is going great) is keeping me busy. Very busy in fact. But I am taking some time away from it to introspect.

It's nice to have money and perks that come with being employed. One of the first things I did with my first paycheck was to get a gym membership and a tanning package near my apartment. Both are essentials to my happiness. The gym was a godsend last night when, after a night of drinking and a birthday dinner, I found myself stuck alone downtown for five hours without my bike, waiting for the bus. I sobered up in the sauna with a lot of water, then worked out, then hit the steam room and caught the first bus home in the morning. I had to awaken less than 3 hours later to look at a new bike, which turned out to be too small for me. Then I slept all day finally.

Another mini-relationship came to an end last night, I think. It was a long time coming, actually. I hadn't had sex with Halah in over a month, probably because I went ahead and had sex with a dom, then a few weeks later had a 4-sum (with Jezebel, Amariah, and the infamous Jedidiah finally, who still is not that into me), and then finally sealed the deal with this incredibly hot 24 year-old from Vancouver that I've been seeing. While the 'primary' relationship I was in was supposedly poly, I think he thought it only referred to himself and he assumed I would be the monogamous one. Typical. But I'm bummed about it.

During my delirium last night, I started writing a story about him in my head that I jotted down on my phone's notepad.

I miss my mom and dad. My mom hates that I work for an old friend of my dad's that she never got along with. But she also was down on me for not being some impressive PhD student anymore and for not being married. Her now husband is a raging douchebag and I dislike him. It's been over a month since I've seen her, and last time I did she was so incredibly bitchy. Saying that I am selfish and only come over in order to use her. That is not and never was the case. I'm not using her for anything and never was. She basically told me last time we hung out to just go on and marry whoever, and that it didn't matter who and I didn't even have to see the person that much. I suppose that I might be able to actually do that, since trying this 'going with my heart' thing never works.

It's starting to come to me again that Tracy McMillan was right: I'm too crazy. I'm too independent. I get too involved in myself and my life. One thing I did learn from this recent 3-month stint is that I need to get out when the first signs are showing that it's not working. The BETTER thing I learned, though, is that I need to have something to be 'about', some cause or something to give my life meaning. The work I'm doing as a writer, however, is very fulfilling. But I want something else to get into that will bring me joy and a sense of purpose.

Job Worries

General warning sign (Older) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a feeling my job is about to get scaled back. I'm not sure why, I just have a premonition.

Chasing That Neon Rainbow

I've been at this workshop for work since Tuesday. 7:30 am breakfast, workshops all day. I still come into the office at every break and write. I still have freelance assignments, and then there are my own writing projects. Workshops end at 9 pm every day and then I write into the wee hours here in the office building, where it's so safe that I permanently have my laptop set up here and am like a little fixture of the building here. Even the staff of the retreat center know me now. Despite everything else there is here to see and do, I have to write something. Always. I am just compelled to.

New Job

Scored a full-time position as a writer for Ashton & Ashtoreth's dad (my 'uncle'). I am so grateful to get to work as a writer, though of course I am also grateful to be making a full-time salary, which happens to be more money than I've ever made.

IN YOUR FACE to the detractors, who said/ thought I would never make it as a writer. I will and I am, because I'm great!

That aside, I keep having some panics that I am about to lose the job. I have lost a couple in the past few years, and I can't shake that sense away. In this case, an email about my future work proved that my premonition really was as ill-conceived as I suspected, but I can't shake it.

More soon...

Capricorn– Greedy Emo

Instant noodles with added stuff (Photo credit: Annie Mole)

Tummy… hurts…

Consumables today: Butternut squash soup with loads of cayenne and chili powder, microwave popcorn, and coconut oil; no-sugar energy drink; Top Ramen oriental flavor again with loads of spice; two shots of Maker’s Mark; another Top Ramen chicken flavor with loads of spice, sesame seeds, and seaweed flakes; and honey BBQ Kettle chips and honey wheat pretzels with a mix of EZ Cheez and Sarracha.

STRAIGHT DEBAUCHERY. This is totally what I get for being totally 100% broke and not having any food stamps left. Just have to raid the house and the change purse again.

Welp, at least I’m not actually going totally hungry yet. Fuck this starving artist thing though. Damn it all to fucking HELL, as my friend used to say. I sit and type out bullshit for a living and try to figure out how to get better shit on my resume while doing so and in the meantime just networking like a mofo.

I’m watching Merlin with Jerusha’s son here at her place while she is out with the new man. Unfortunately, I know a few things that more than strongly indicate that their liaison is not going to last, but a girl can hold out hope for them still though. I think there is much more to that story than meets the eye, and I (along with all our other friends!) REALLY hope it works out.

Too much fun has spoilt me a bit. I am over being mad about Jezebel, but as time goes on I end up disliking Cyrus more and more. I especially resent that I stayed with him so long after I turned out to not be that into him. My friends are definitely behind me that I did not make some huge mistake on this matter. Anyway, he truly is not a bad person, he just wasn’t right for me. I don’t know why I continually have to justify that to people.

I am glad to be single. I am getting work done. I want to be one of the ones in my friend group to buy the next round of Prusecco and the eight ball by next summer! 

I am going to keep my cheap apartment in Portland and look at getting a rental in Hawaii over the summer. One of the issues I have is, Should I go get my shiz from Vermont first? That seems like such a pain in the ass though, but I need to do it before the doing is no longer (aka my stuff either gets tossed or rots). Can you all just pay me already? My life is soul-crushingly difficult sometimes.

But, when I look even at this journal, it’s all First World problems. I don’t have it so bad. Not really.

Changes

I feel motivated again.

I am a WRITER!

I came back from about 3 weeks with Solomon in San Diego, and I feel like a completely different person. Or, rather, more like the true self that has been in hiding since about November 2011.

Solomon and I opted not to go to Burning Man. Neither of us felt it was in line with our life ambitions. We were relieved to make the decision to not go. He is, and always will be, my friend. Platonic. Brother From Another Mother-style.

I attended a few other festivals this summer, largely because of Cyrus, and the truth is, I don't care about them. I see how they are meaningful to others, perhaps because other people do not have the goals and ambitions I do. I'm not saying they should. But that isn't the life that I want to create for myself and not really what I am interested in, to make a long story short.

I swam in the Pacific nearly every day, got a lot of writing done, finally got a tan, my hair got blonded out a bit again, and even in such a short time I took off the five pounds I put on during my time with Cyrus.

Summer Wane

The air is cool despite there being no clouds. I am viewing it from the third floor of the Central Library, as I am wont to do. The summer is waning into that dreaded season called Fall, called so perhaps because of the let-down it feels like.

I wish I could escape this inevitability. My mind races to Hawaii, Thailand, San Diego... Anywhere warmer, where the days don't get as short and where I can still sit on this painted laptop and write in the sunshine.

Maybe I can lose a few pounds and find a boyfriend that's doing something with his life, too.

So much has happened since I last wrote 2 months ago. Literally days after writing before, I got involved in a love affair with a one Cyrus. It has been fun. We de facto live together in a room across the street where ironically my office was. The irony being that the office decided to put me back on freelance literally not even a week after I moved in across the street, so after biking all over greater Portland for three months, I finally got a convenient, inexpensive, and pretty awesome place only to not really need it there.

Hot mess

This was my day yesterday.  I think the details speak for themselves.

Don't Fence Me In...

Last night at the Naked Bike Ride, it degenerated into a naked, outdoor make-out orgy on the streets of Portland.  More of what you would expect from the Raine you've become so fond of, right?

I almost wanted to downgrade the journal from NC-17 to R because of the lack of sex.  It's been literally over a month, if you don't count the sexy bi 21 year old from a week and a half ago.  But that was (to me) a one-night thing, so I don't actually count it.  He's been on my grill, though, which is a little annoying.  On the other hand... Maybe I could throw another bi male into the mix with him, as it has been a lil while since I have been properly double teamed.

I have a list of guys/gals in my paper journal that I'm 'talking to'.  True Single Raine style.  Even relationship Raine, really.  Still haven't met the person that can get over that and be really and truly poly w me.  Major news to me: It isn't Isaiah.  And no, I still don't have a clue WTF is up with that.

June 12th– Ins & Outs

Raine's List for the day:

IN:

• Journey
• My article on business networking through Pinterest
• Freecycle Portland
• Craig's List Used Furniture
• Digg
• Amariah
• Tracy McMillan
• The Girls- including Hannah, Evi, and Jerusha
• Isaiah
• Abstinence
• Enjoying cute kids and handing them back to their parents
• Peppermint tea
• Weezer
• Ice Breakers
• Wedge sandals
• Popcorn with coconut oil, nutritional yeast, amino acids, cayenne pepper, and chili flakes

OUT:

• Bikram
• Beer
• My abs ):
• Ishbar's toothbrush
• Productivity (for the most part)
• Elijah
• Ezekiel
• Traditional Therapy
• Bread
• Movies
• Ripped jeans
• Flip-flops
• Summer clothes (Dammit, Portland! It's June!)

The Plot Thickens

This past weekend: Las Vegas!

Went Abidan, another friend from dance (who also got me this job) and ended up meeting up with Jezebel and Ahijah for an epic adventure; including two private pool parties with DJs, bunches of molly, magic brownies, flasks, dancing until the wee hours Friday and Saturday night, wandering around, a little shopping, and some beautiful restaurants.  Oh, and seeing Zumanity Cirque du Solais.  I got away without gambling, though.  I was super done-in after the weekend, and Abidan actually left early on Sunday because he was feeling not so well.  Jezebel and Ahijah were super fun party animals, though I think Abidan would have liked to have gone hiking and enjoyed a quiet night of drawing, wine, and conversation at Red Rocks instead of the constant "go-go-GO!".

I also got a shiner somehow.  Haha.  I really did fall, I think at the club, and at the time I was like, Oh shit I'm gonna have a black eye.  Still, a great time overall.

I didn't get nearly enough work done though.  In fact, I got nothing done, including school, which was bad.  Considering especially that I am paying for school myself at this point; none of that costly financial aid anymore now that I have a job.  I also didn't get nearly enough work done and was late getting a writing assignment to a freelance client.  So you might say, I would have done well to have had a quieter time with Abidan as well.  I have been spending all week playing catch-up.

Catch-up applies to my psyche, as well.  I was dog-tired on Monday and had to be at the office by 9 a.m., and my office is an hour away from Eve's house by bike and bus.  I got a little dehydrated in Vegas from the constant drinking and intense sun, to the point where I was looking forward to the cool air of Portland by the time I got back.  But I have been tired and still having to deal with my intense social life in addition to working a lot.

I thought I would be toning it down with the social life, I really did.  I have fuck tons of work to do, and have started with Bikram again, this time way out on Fremont street.  Hence part of the reason I am out on Alberta right now.

More on everything later.  First, though, a character that has been around for a while is about to get a name bc I am getting really into him: Jedidiah.  I'm hoping he becomes more of a main character, so I'm giving him a prominent name... I don't want to jinx it, but I've been getting a little obsessive about him.

Tuesday night, I hung out with Thom before Thom left for Phish tour, and that was super fun.  I had wanted to just go to yoga and go home, but I felt obligated to hang w him since I went several months without doing so.  I'm happy he's in my life again, and he certainly is chilled out compared to when we first arrived in this city.  He's actually getting laid now too, so the chill magic of Portland has infected him, it seems.  Perhaps he will not move back so soon... He's into some projects and has a job and has made several awesome close friends.

Right after yoga, as I was biking to meet Thom, Jedidiah texted me asking me when I was coming by to be cast.  So, I had planned to see Zeruah, but that was farther away and I actually passed Jed's house on the way to meet Thom.  So Thom encouraged me to go for it and dropped me off at Jed's place on his way to the airport.  Basically, it was a super erotic night with him throwing all kinds of wood while massaging my breasts with olive oil and making artistically-posed plaster casts of my torso.  Yet it all  ended with us sleeping next to each other naked except for my panties ONLY and not having sex.  OMG.  I literally awoke in the middle of the night and wanted to ask him why he wasn't fucking me, but I didn't.  He's super hot, BTW.  Tall and muscular; one day when I came over to do some art w him and his friends, he was sporting nothing but a kilt and a six pack.  I have had the ominous feeling for a while that we would have gratuitous monkey sex constantly some day... That day being not arrived yet, sadly.  Dammit!

Jezebel and Ahijah think it will, though.  I just don't fucking know.  What if he really doesn't like me?  What if I was being too passive? Grr.

OK, enough for now.

Gossip and Girliness

FIRST: Isaiah and Ishbar are hooking up!  OMG, juicy.  The only person I could tell was Jezebel.  I wanted to straight-up "IN YOUR FACE, ELIJAH!" with the news, but sadly I think that will only cause more problems for her.  Isaiah is everything Elijah wishes he could be, but isn't.

Isaiah and I are taking things slowly but seem to be having a perfect poly relationship/ friendship, including several three-sums and two triad-type relationships brewing also.  I feel more friendly about him than anything, though.  It's all loving, open and honest and free of anger and manipulation, which I guess is really working well.  Kind of great so far.  Except that I think he's trying to be more poly than me aka getting a little restrictive.  Which is a little annoying, but I'm not lying to him & so far he's taking it well enough.  I went through that weird "I can see other ppl but am going to freak out if you do" shit when Uriah was trying it, and it won't work this time, either.

OK, so I have been reading these two articles, and am kind of dumfounded at how true they are.  I mean, almost all of that describes me.  Not sure how to feel about it...  It's not so much that I am desperate to get married per se so much as it describes a little of how I can keep falling into this pit of dating completely awful losers.

Well, I'm on my way to Bikram now.  Got a pass with Groupon and biked out here to NE for it.  This weekend= going to Las Vegas!  Jezebel is also going to be there and so is Solomon.  That's all I'm saying; aka, OFF THE HOOK!

Oh, SHIT!

Walking solo yesterday did a lot for my psyche.  I felt pretty good about being single and going to the library on a Sunday afternoon!  I had to tell Isaiah I couldn't go camping with him and shroom, but it was the right thing.

Yadda through some shite, and I feel like I am getting my life in order somewhat.

Sunday At Central

I just walked in the overcast sun from 23rd & Lovejoy to Central Library by myself, with a smile planted on my face the entire walk.

I have missed these great moments by myself.  Since my birthday at the beginning of the year, I had sort of given up all of my solo time; the solo time I so enjoyed before that, when I was living on the river with Zeruah.

I haven't painted, played music, drawn, or written creatively in months (except journaling).  At least I have dance.

I need to get back to me for a while.  Focus on my job and school.

A burgeoning social life is good for mending the wounds but not for moving my life forward.

Onward to homework!

Urban Tribe

I awoke this morning at the house of some friends on MLK.  It was beautiful.  I had biked there directly from leaving work at 8pm for a dinner party the night before. The ride lasted for about an hour, through the pouring rain.  How delighted I was to find an array of Indian food, Mexican cheese (I had to!), wine, fruit, and best of all, a roof-top hot tub party.  I awoke early this morning to clean the apartment for them before meeting a dance friend for breakfast. They let me stay by myself there even though Isaiah and some other people I knew better eventually left, since I didn't want to leave my bike and had an early breakfast date nearby.

The three of us joked around and chatted and spoke of the Urban Tribe that has sprung up among young adults in Portland.  The feeling it gives me to be a part of it rings very true, and is quite comforting.  They all tell each other "I love you," openly, even men to each other, and are totally there for each other if anyone needs it.  The thought that there is really a tribe of people here that like to do fun things together and support each other's endeavors is something I missed out in Vermont, and it makes Portland feel even more like home.

It gives me so much joy!

Chatting with my dance friend for about 3 hours this morning was awesome, too.  People are so very interesting and friendly if you allow them to be.

My job now literally includes just chatting with business representatives and owners to find their "voice", and then taking on that voice to write a story for their website and blog that is interesting and attractive to the target audience.  I love it!  I could not be more blessed.

I have an interesting story about an encounter with Alvan the Dom that I will need to save ;)  It is a healing story.  Being a sub is like therapy, I think.  It was intense, and IDK all of the implications yet, but I do feel a lot better after the session.  Which was non-sexual, BTW.

I think healing is the journey I am on right now.

I have been having an amazing time with writing and with my family and with Uriah and Isaiah and my friends and the Tribe.  It's just Uriah and I again, being pals as always, but at least now openly loving each other.  I haven't had sex in almost a week now, but the last time was with Uriah and it rocked!  I also recently have been getting close to Ishod, who I have liked for a while and who is an amazing person.

I have not seen Elijah for a week, since he screamed at me while dropping me off at my bike.  He and I were getting along and being friends, but he got jealous over a girl I shall call Ishbar and wound up spewing venom at me.  We reunited to talk things out about the Beltane party on Cinco de Mayo, which we both wanted to go to without drama.  For a week, we were friends again and things were great: He was part of my life and fun to see, and I could still go on my merry way w my own friends and the Tribe, and Uriah (who he's always been jealous of, as well).  I think he was even more jealous that I had all these plans with friends that he was not invited to.  I'm surprised he cares!  If there's no sex or talking extensively about sex and relationships and polyamory involved, he basically thinks it's boring and not worthwhile.

Elijah and I spoke a few days ago via text messages that lasted all fucking day.  He did admit to jealousy and anger issues, which is a start for him to actually be polyamorous.  Before me, I think he just couldn't keep it in his pants and thought 'poly' meant him fucking other women while convincing his loving partners at the particular time that she needed to deal with it.  Which it sounds like some did better than others.

Honestly, I think I represent the first poly gf he's ever had; and not just one who fucked other ppl or put up with his philandering, but one who did not love only him. It culminated in his wanting me to go sleep in his trailer that night while he spent the night w someone else, so that he could come home in the morning and "make love" to me– and perhaps truly expecting that it would happen.

My realization about him, and the Tribe, this morning, was that he is not a part of my life.  He considers these people to be boring because they don't all want to have sex with him or have orgies all the time.  I feel like love and friendship are more than that.  I wouldn't have him as my date to my work parties and I wouldn't introduce him to my friends and family.  And the friends and family that did meet him do not like him at all, to say the least.

The story about him, and the D-bag I dated before him, and Ezekiel, even, is that I need truly to find a partner that is also a friend and is also a part of what I now recognize as the Urban Tribe of all my friends and family and acquaintances.  That is very important to me.

Well, I could go on, but it's 3:15.  Guess that's 'time'!

Right!

You know things are going good when everything feels right and it all seems to fall into place.

There's a little bounce in my step now.

A bounce and a smile.

Backed up brain

I can't find my paper journal, and it's wearing at me.  I like the flowing of my pen to express my innermost  feelings rather than the computer sometimes.  I fucking type for a living, you know?  It gets a little much to type for joy, as well.  Plus, sometimes I don't have access to my computer.

Well, that's not totally true anymore.  Uriah had a Macbook he wasn't using and traded me for my busted battery, so now I have a real laptop!  SO freaking grateful.  I still haven't fully utilized that, although the other day, I was at the PCC campus on 82nd Ave with my good friend and it was strange to be able to just sit down wherever I wanted and not have to research where the power outlets were first.  I was so used to that that I nearly had forgotten what it was like to not have to do so.

Hanging out with this friend made me realize: I only want to date sex positive people from now on!

The non-sex-positive viewpoint seems to look at the female body as some sort of commodity to be traded, bartered, or sold.  If I look at it that way, I am doing a terrible job with it all, since I am so sexy and can hold a fucking conversation, too, but for some reason since I've been in Portland I've dated two men who had no money at all.  Both of them did pay for things for me and spend time with me, though.   I am sure I mis-heard it, but I thought Uriah called me a 'cheap slut' the other day and it made me all sad.  Despite that and then the conversation with my friend, I have decided that remaining sex-positive is the way to go.  I may be viewed the wrong way in some circles for not insisting on only having sex with people I absolutely love and who spend a lot of money on me, but viewing my sex as some sort of property or bartering tool for love and money is far worse in my mind.

That way of thinking seems completely backward to me: Love should be freely and unconditionally given, and sexual connections allowed to be explored.

First world problems.  But, it doesn't make them any less of problems, just that there should be some perspective on your life rather than getting caught up in it.

Amariah was one who was far removed from reality.  He is so far removed that he actually denies it.  The man has a first generation iPod as well as every other generation of iPod, and a fucking first-generation Kindle, too.  He's a PhD student for crying out loud.  Complaining about your life when you have higher education to that level is so far gone.  You're poor and over-worked by your own life choices, no one made you do it.  Get over yourself.  ANYWAY, though, I still love Amariah and hope he is well.  I carry a candle in my heart for him lest he come out as being bisexual one day and will have a triad relationship with me and perhaps Ezekiel at some point.  Also, that he starts being passionately in love with me and ceases to stop himself short.  (**SNORTS**)

Ezekiel I still love, but also, I have come to terms with, that train has sailed.  Never again.  He claims that he will see me again but at this point even if he comes to me from Vermont with a PhD on a white horse, I still would not get back with him.  He replaced me with a 20-year old, and he would do it again.  Everything I said about him in my journal while I was dating him (and I really went off, since he is such a little shit) is true.  Bitch can have him.

It was nice over the weekend, although then it got to be gray yesterday with maybe a bit of a sun break, and now it is back to raining buckets.  Fucking Abel is making me clean my stuff and put more of it in storage.  This was sort of why I was getting mad about living with the parents.  I always feel like Abel is out to marginalize me in some way and sees me as some sort of obstacle to stealing all of my mom's money.

Whatever, though.  So far, this week of being here has been far better than it would have been at Elijah's house.  I am glad things worked out the way they did so that I could get this job, since it feels like the beginning of something huge and no matter what, a giant leap forward.

I miss Elijah, but as of tomorrow I have not laid eyes him for a week and there is no drama with him the way there was before.  He's off whoring about, being sex-positive and doing absolutely nothing else with his life.  I would have thought having a steady, polyamorous partner would have made him feel calm and rooted enough to start seeking his dreams, but I think fucking everything IS his only dream.  Alas.  The hurt about him will die down and I will once again be glad that we are not together.

OK, time to fucking clean.  I have a lot of work to do today.

Good Week with a Grain of Melancholia

Although it's only Tuesday, already great things are happening.

A friend referred me for a contract writing job with a local firm, although I met with the boss today and it went so well that I was offered a staff position!!  So much for my travel plans, but getting a staff position has been my dream even more than that.  My future boss was so impressed with how much I knew and how many work samples I have, and it felt so amazing to finally be validated for all the knowledge and experience that I have been gaining by constantly writing freelance for low pay.  It really is valuable!  Hallelujah.

After biking home, I found an email from the freelance job I currently work telling me I got a credited job writing an E-book.

Things are coming together.  But I still have knots in my stomach.

I'm a beautiful and amazing person, not the awful bitch Elijah made me out to be in front of everyone.  He made it sound as though I was some terrible, lost soul who would never make it in life.

I deserve to be missed.  I'm glad he's happier without me, but it makes me feel bad, too, that he doesn't miss me.  It feels as though I just lose.  I guess it's a chance you always take on love... Losing it, that is.

Sad and anxious

Despite everything, I have decided I need to give up on Elijah.  Like what I think happened with Jezebel before me, he just gets into a mode where he is mad at me for no reason and everything is my fault.  I am too awesome and interesting of a person to be crippled by this treatment.  He tells me it is all because I hate myself that he acts this way toward me and actually believes that he is just living his life and I am ruining everything by not taking it.

Unfortunately for Elijah, I have gone through too much in my life.  I have fought for and lost many people who treated me better and who I loved a lot more than him, including Bojangles, Amariah, Ezekiel, Jett (may he rest in peace), and even Diva, my beautiful cat who ran away.  I lost my PhD, my MS, thousands of dollars, and most of my worldly possessions to Vermont, in addition to losing two lovers, my car, my apartment, my job, my beloved cat, and my dad (I know you're up there with Buddha, Datty) while there.  I feel like I have been devastated and born anew many times already.  I ponder many times how it is that I possibly find reasons to be happy on any given day, yet most of the time these days, I do.

I love myself.  Unfortunately for Elijah, I don't hate myself enough to want to be in this situation with him anymore.

I have goals in my life that I have finally made for myself.  I want to be a writer (check!) and I want to travel the world.  Making this transition to leave Portland is tough for me, but it is what I have always wanted.  I am sad about it but also happy at the same time.  Sad as in, I feel some level of pain at leaving Portland behind as of now.  Growing pains, you might call them.

It was comfortable to love Elijah and to be with him, until he made it so that it wasn't.  I am not the leaving kind and probably could have worked with him for a while if he weren't screaming at me to the point that I burst into tears.  He was being no sort of friend, either.  One of the things that alarmed me was his refusal to pick me up one night even though I promised him money for gas and he was doing nothing besides playing video games at home.  Yes, I had agreed to ride the bike, but that was before it got late on a Friday night.  He could have come over to hang out and have with Hannah and her husband and I, but he said he is bored hanging out with my friends because he can't have sex with any of them.

Details, though.  It confirms a lot of what I already knew about him from my own experience and from stories about his past.

When everything hit the fan with the triad, it was clear Jezebel complained about him all the time and those complaints were valid, but in reality just wanted to be with him anyway so I thought that it was more bitterness in the end more than anything else.  The triad was that she wanted Elijah, E wanted me, and I wanted her but she's not bi and/or just wanted him.  I see that now.  So of course it destructed for the three of us to have a relationship and it sort of still comes down to the three of us each still pining after the one that does not want us back.  Also, it is true about Elijah's abusiveness and I can't imagine why, since that is true, Jezebel has taken so much of it.  It isn't my life though, I have to remember that.  For my part, I thought it would be worth a shot to try being with Elijah without that strange triad  dynamic since he seems to love me so much.  I am sure that he does love me, but he doesn't know how to treat a lover, and I am quite sure that once I am gone he will be moved on and, as I always say, he will just have a new person with a new life story to memorize for a few months and then forget about when they go away.  He can get through a lot of people in his life that way, and I think that is the kind of poly that will make him happy.

Peace to him, then.  I guess I still believe in love, but it once again did not pan out.  I really do love Elijah, so that made it hard to leave.  After all this shit, I would have thought I would never love again.  I'm not even swearing off of it anymore.  Actually, I am embracing it.  There is a major part of me that is in love with life right now and feeling so free at being able to go forth in the world with my head up high and float among the continents and countries and beautiful cities old and new.

I have grown so much from knowing Elijah.  In an amazing way that I will never forget.  But at the same time, I am not responsible for his floundering life, and if every single person I know is telling me I can and SHOULD do better, that is a major red flag.  I hate that I could not make him want to be better and I hate that he can't see the potential that I saw in him.  I loved him for who he was and was not so quick to write him off as a "loser" as most people I know are.  At the same time, I can't take on his problems and I am not responsible for his life.  If he feels it's all my fault, I think the best thing I can do as a person who really loves him is to leave him in his mess of a life and let him continue to try and blame other people until he realizes it's too late or, Heaven forbid, he actually comes to take responsibility at some point.  Either way, it's hard for me, but I'll be long gone.

Just writing this little venting makes it all feel a bit better.  I am soothed by some tea at the old coffee shop on Woodstock that I used to sit at with my dad years ago.  Hannah and I used to go here, too.  I came here in 7th grade sometimes as a break from the public library.

People come to Portland seeking something and usually leave after to go back wherever it was they came from.  I am lucky that Portland is my beautiful home and I will always have this to come back to.  Already since I left eleven years ago, I have come back a few times and it has been great every time.

Someday I will be back for good.

Quote of the week

Elijah (in baby voice as I am getting out of bed in the trailer and getting dressed to go to yoga one day): "Ooh, you are so bu-tiful, I looove you!!  I kiss your vagina from afar."

Me: Swoons for the next few weeks

Friday the 13th

Been feeling blue all morning, despite the sunshine.  I was thinking as I walked back from yoga this a.m. (a 75-min version of Bikram this time– thank God), that ppl keep asking me and I keep wondering exactly what I am doing living in a trailer/ room in a sexual healing center with 6 other ppl.

The answer was, I don't know.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize this is the best offer I had going at the time, and I was very reluctant to take it.

I keep telling myself that this is temporary.  Even last night I felt strangely as I had to stay downstairs while Elijah had a 3-sum w some ppl I had no interest in.  Yet after yoga this morning, he wanted to clean and put all my things away and hang all my clothes up and move another car load from Zeruah's house.  It seems so horribly... permanent.

And moving out of somewhere always leaves me with that "unfinished business" feeling.

I hate moving.

...?

Did you ever really, really want to tell someone you love them, but you can't because you were an idiot like 9 months ago after having your heart crushed and stomped on by someone else, so you thought you were actually just going to be friends that sometimes have sex with each other even though you've really had feelings for the person from Day Zero?

I think this is actually kind of a common scenario.  This knowledge is in NO WAY assuaging the situation.

F M L

Blerg

Spoke too soon about doing completely well.  I have a headache that feels like my brain is beating up against my skull, and I still have a lot more writing to do for work, including an article about the stock market and the potential for long-term holding of biotech futures.  Blerg.  The lit was right, though, since instead of caffeine, all I want to do is reach for something sugary or carb-rich for a little pick-me-up.  Bad mistake.  Also I am super tired, and already took a nap/ long sex break in the middle of the day.

Some people would mock the fact that I'm at home all day working while my boyfriend plays video games and watches TV/browses the internet while intermittently running errands or doing work, talking to me about stuff whenever, and taking breaks to pontificate with me or discussing plans or issues or making food and of course lots of sex.  Heck, that's what he's doing next to me right now (the video games and TV part).  Nonetheless, I stay up as long as it takes to get my work done and have struggled through a lot of shitty work setbacks on top of low-paying writing jobs just to get by sometimes.  So if I am OK with accepting this and working my ass off on being a writer because it's what I want to do and at the same time I might as well reap the rewards of getting to fuck the caffeine detox pain away. ;-)

Day 3

This is the third day of the dreaded caffeine detox.  Actually, caffeine's just the most prominent part of the detox, which also includes alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs, and real cigarettes (not e cigs, at this time).  It would be a mistake to say that any of these were easy to go without, but I kept reading that a caffeine detox needs to include these other components to truly be effective in breaking the addiction/habit.  So, yesterday sucked and I am surprised that I was able to pull off getting anything done at all, to be honest.

I started this morning with yoga, hot ashtanga flow, at a place very close to here.  It was AMAZING.  I always have relied on Bikram when going through a detox because I think sweating out toxins is a huge help.  Although this studio does not seem to have actual Bikram (unfortunately), the price is right so there it is.  I'm lucky enough to have a minuscule amount of money coming in so that I can even afford to go... What a luxury to go to yoga, I now realize, after having to go without for 3 months.

Sunday was great, minus the fact that I had my first legitimate breakdown since I moved to Portland.  I think it was something to do with extreme sleep deprivation, drinking tequila until 6 a.m. while playing the Battlestar Galactica board game, and PMSing, as well as it being Easter without my dad and my having had recurring dreams about him.  Although it seems like it, the drinking was not out of control; certainly not on the level that I had to do a detox the way Uriah did.

[Uriah... Long and difficult subject.  I miss him and will miss him more when he is gone for 6 months.  I need to disappear into him for at least a week straight before he goes.  More on this later, though.]


Anyway, I freaked out and cried and cried about being fat and losing everything in Vermont and about my dad being gone and about not having anything good to show for my life and about losing my friends because of being who I am and about Ezekiel and about Amariah.  I cried it all out.

I got to Eve's house Sunday afternoon and went through some of Dad's notebooks.  Sole was there but is still acting strangely toward me.  Oh well.  I think she is much more money-oriented than I am, I have always been motivated by different things.  I also think she harbors much more awkwardness about our upbringing and wishes to move away from it, whereas I have always embraced it.  I think things will be okay in the end.

After that I had a good time with Abel and Eve, and then went to Alvan's house with Elijah.  Alvan, as it so happens, is an amazing chef, and I like him and his friends a lot.  He told us he really liked us and that we challenged him and others in good ways, and that people say good things about Elijah and I.  I thought that was sweet and was honored by it.  E and I get it from people all the time that we are great together; and this is from people that know us as a couple.  I'm definitely sad that Sole got such a bad impression, but I think that it will dissipate in time because I am quite spectacularly happy and content.

Some other highlights: I live here officially now, which means I have to at some point get my things out of my old place with Zeruah.  E and I had a four-sum with another couple we met at a club and then the next day a three-way with our friend Evi.  We both like her a lot but I don't know if it will be anything more than playing, and I think she's only experimentally bi.  I miss being in a triad, though.

Somehow so much has happened in my life and yet I still find myself happy and joyful almost every day.

Things I Learned By Being a Writer

I have to write a lot of articles for blogs and such, as well as reviews.  I write for an audience.  And sometimes that audience is a second-person audience (meaning, I'm talking to YOU), and in writing to you I realize that I make all sorts of assumptions about who you are based on what the client wants or needs.  This is regardless of whether I feel that said assumptions are either true, fair, or real.  For instance, you are:

• An emotional buyer.  I'm not kidding when I say that I had to write about key emotions that businesses can use to make people want to buy something that they do not need.  In this case, you are the business owner and want to use photography to exploit people's emotions so that they buy your product.  But let me tell you this: The one real emotion that makes people buy is fear.  So go ahead and exploit people's fears of loneliness, abandonment, and isolation.  After all,  the fears are driven by society so that you do keep buying, and as long as you have that fear you can be sold anything.
• A homeowner or aspiring homeowner.  If you don't already own a home, there are steps you can take to do well with the Man so that he will give you credit to buy a home that you clearly cannot afford outside of 30 years of payments.  If you own a home, of course, you are trying to renovate it so that in many years when you pay off the home it will no longer be underwater.  If you are like me and wish for a yurt or a cabin in the forest, clearly you're to be written off.
• In a monogamous relationship or wishing you were.  If you don't have the loving spouse who would never 'stray', you are by definition unhappy.  Get on a dating website or try out the dating 'feelers' with anyone you meet who you think might be a possibility, otherwise you are destined to die alone.  Never mind if you are enjoying the single life or focusing on your career right now– you are unhappy too, and you must at least secretly wish you had a monogamous partner.  If you're like me and polyamorous and/or want a loving community with children running around that may or may not have been made by your own body, you're just a freak and no one cares about you in so-called 'real life'.  These are just communities of perverts and sexual deviants.  Chances are, you only do this because monogamy didn't work out for you, you can't keep a partner, and/or you can't get your act together to just commit to someone, which means you are too flaky for the real world anyway and no one of consequence actually likes you.
• Wishing you were more beautiful.  You wish you were taller, thinner, more fit, and with a face like George Clooney or Angelina Jolie.  If you're like me and not a size 0, you probably think you're ugly as hell.  Never mind you if, like me, you dance, do yoga, write for a living from home or a coffee shop, wander the city, play board games, have sex several times a day, cook wonderful vegan food with and look absolutely radiant at size 4: Those 10-15 pounds could come off and you know it.  Join a gym, quit eating anything besides popcorn and salad, chain smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol to get rid of your hunger, chew gum, drink coffee, and abuse prescription drugs– and get really, really sad.  That helped me lose the weight!  Being miserable definitely kicks your ass into gear, so find a reason to be unhappy and STAT.  A nice car, condo by the lake, fancy higher-ed degree, fame, designer clothes, stock options, and a coveted job you got via nepotism are also acceptable ways to beautify.  Some other things I haven't tried that are also costly but at least might help you be less ugly are plastic surgery, meth, coke binges, Botox, heavy makeup, hair dye and extensions, and regular experimental spa treatments.   Hey, over-compensating is expensive, people!  If you don't have the money to look beautiful, you're S.O.L., so I suggest you get your nasty ass back to work selling vacuum cleaners.
• Staunchly heterosexual.  If you're heterosexual, it's best to plant yourself firmly in this through rampant homophobia.  If you happen to be homosexual, luckily that's OK these days in many circles.  But definitely spew some hetero hate too!  Y'all know how you can't stand them 'breeders'.  And if you're one of the people like me who lies nearer to the middle of the Kinsey scale, aka a true bi-sexual, be prepared to be misunderstood at best and hated on all sides at worst.  Much easier for you to just pick a side, preferably hetero, and stick to it like glue.
• On a life quest for more money.  It's pretty clear, in case you aren't paying any fucking attention you ADD case, that money will buy you happiness and is the absolute answer to everything you ever wanted.  And believe me, you need a lot of help, so buying shit is really the only answer.
• Inherently unhappy.  You're poor and ugly, your house isn't as nice as it could be, you don't have a good enough job, you haven't been in love with your spouse for years and he or she is  probably cheating on you anyway.  But worse, you're not the smartest in your field, you're not a great musician or poet, you're not an all-star athlete, your neighbors have a better car, your brother has a better body, your friends have better jobs, better looking spouses and cuter kids, and blah blah and so forth.  As long as you remain unhappy, you are an emotional buyer and can be sold anything.  You will never be good enough, but don't let that stop you from throwing your hard-earned money at pretending you can be.
• Supposed to feel sorry for those less fortunate than you.  This might as well be the PC way to say 'racist' or 'bigot', since it seems like Third-World countries get all of the attention for being 'less fortunate' when there are more than plenty of people here in the good ol' US of A that are having an astonishingly rough go of things.  Some of them really do need your help, since having family to pull strings was never an option for these ppl and you know you probably got a cushy existence handed to you and have been made to feel absolute liberal guilt about this.  Apparently, anyone not on the rat race or not as far along as you are anyway is to be pitied, and maybe even helped to find the 'way' back to the misery that you yourself do not enjoy but nevertheless want to spread around to others.
• Constantly watching TV and listening to pop radio.  The oligarchy of mass media definitely knows how to exploit you for all the reasons I mentioned before.  But for some reason, it can really be soothing.

Observatory

I came out at my volunteer position on the side of one person that not only seemed to irritate everyone but actually was the person I journaled about before.  Aka, the guy that wrote some comments about me (about stylistic parts of my writing that in fact were not my but rather the editors' fault) on the public forum that were seen by thousands of people.  I don't exactly know why, but I like him and I disagree with most of the people there.  I am glad that I came out and told him.  I don't know if there is going to be a factioning off of supporters or what, but I am curious to see where it will lead.

Also, Hannah reamed me hard today.  Not literally.


[I just want to note, on a side tangent, how awesome it is that I actually do need to clarify that a hard reaming by a hot girl must in some instances not actually be taken literally.  Because my life is awesome like that (:0.]  

I understand that I am going 100% flake these days.  It is starting to become evident that I just am a hermity bitch sitting writing articles on my laptop, and getting cooked for/ fucked/ watching Battlestar Galactica in between, then going dancing/playing board games/getting all sexxxy with people nearly every night.  I like my life and I think all this is New Relationship Energy (NRE), as it's apparently called.  Still, I have been losing motivation to do anything else.  There are other, business-related reasons why I was so blase about the business, I guess we needed to have this argument so that I could say how I really feel.  I am motivated anew by it.

That was a good part of the day, after which I took like a 2 hour nap.  I re-read my book journal from a year ago and I was in a terrible place in life, but mainly the issues were that I was lonely and broke and coming off a realm of lost possibilities.  So now I am back in my home town, surrounded with friends and loved ones, and with a world of amazing possibilities around.  And yet, I am the same person, sitting at home with my writing, and now with a lover to be with me and help me grow back into being a beautiful flower rather than a dried-up shell.

Beautiful Fucking Day

As Ani DiFranco said during one of her concerts: "When I'm happy, I'm like, what? Guitar? Huh?"  That's what I feel about my personal writing, including in this journal.  So I suppose that I must be at least content on some level or another, otherwise I would have written more this month.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.  I've also been rather boring this month, too.  Just working a lot as a writer and not going to any sex parties and not getting tied up at Alvan's last dinner party.  No particular incidents of any of my family members punching someone (again), only a couple of three-sums even.

Actually, even Board Game Night has been, well, just board games.

Quiet times out in NoPo.

Going there

This is the way I feel, so I might as well write about it.  I know it's boring.  But alas.

I feel fat.  Like a stuffed, water-bloated pig level of fat.  Muffin top over the pants, bags below my eyes, feeling like my face is a chubby, water-inflated expanse and my once reasonably pretty breasts seem like inflated cow tits.  It's miserable.  To the point where I am dreaming of buying diet pills and diuretics from Rite-Aid when I get paid, chain smoking while I type, and doing ab work every few minutes.  Fantasizing about when I can earn enough money to go back to Bikram yoga and sweat out all the toxins and when I can ever get a gym membership again and pick up some weights.  When will my life not be in such a financial/emotional tizzy that I can get two solid hours to just work the fuck out?

Granted, in reality I recognize that I am far from "fat", being a solid 20 BMI.  I'm pretty sure this is, as always, PMS-related.  Grr.

OK, that and I have a boyfriend that feeds me healthfully and then makes sweet love to me constantly.  There really could be a link between being fat and happy.  I was miserable and anorexic before and I think that fucked my metabolism up on a level.  I think that gaining all this weight isn't a consequence of my being so unhealthy now, which in actuality I am not.  Quite the opposite: I've been vegan, gluten-free and highly un-processed for a few months now and dancing 3-5 nights per week.  I only recently started drinking again after my 30 days of alcohol abstinence, and I don't drink or smoke weed very often anymore and almost never do drugs.  So...

Other than that, I have little to complain about, which may be why I haven't written too much.  That, and having a job.  And getting laid all day between articles that I finish.  There is something to be said about a life where I have someone around that wants to fuck me open all the time in between writing, chopped salads, dancing, video games, deep conversation, dark chocolate, and Battlestar Galactica that makes me think that things will be OK.

Raining on Monday

I feel sad and frustrated.  The rain may be contributing to it.  Not eating enough, not sleeping enough, and drinking at my previous level of tolerance for the past 3 nights is also likely contributing.  Smoking real cigarettes is probably contributing, too.

Also the un-necessarily dramatic 'breakup' w Elijah could be a possible cause.

As is evident, it was happening anyway.  I likened the relationship to growing pains once, because it was growing faster than I was ready for and starting to hurt.  It started growing out of control and turned into a cancer.  I suppose it's best to cut that out, which is what he is doing to me now.  I hope that brings him peace.  He told me last night I can't hurt him, as though that's what I'm trying to do.  He's ironically hurting me, and Jezebel, by trying so hard to show me how he isn't hurt.

Working is making me feel better.  I get in these funks where only work will make me relax.  I don't know why.  Being in class again is giving me a purpose and a mission.  I lacked that over the past 2 months.  Conveniently I began this strange relationship right as school ended and as school was about to begin the relationship ended.

Jeez I feel like everyone hates me today.


[NOTE: I wrote a list of ppl that I thought hated me, though, and it turns out that really the only ones that do, when it comes down to it, are Jezebel and Elijah, my now-exes.  Makes sense actually.]

Screaming into the mirror

Raine and I got in a fight yesterday. Probably the worst it has been. I know a lot of it was my fault. I think she would say it was because I didn't love her and didn't want to be with her. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. I love her very much. It hurts me because I love her so much. I just can't let go of my fear. Sometimes it subsides but it always rises again and twists the words I say. She feels it. She is a mirror of my thoughts and emotions. When I look at her, I see myself. The good parts and the bad. It feels like the moment in the Never Ending Story when Atreyu has to see his true self in the mirror. Some men run away screaming...

Except, I don't want to run away. I just stand their screaming at myself, screaming into the mirror. It's silly. I know. Oh how I know. If I could go back to that moment - to every moment I seemed angry - and just laugh it all away I would. Oh to just find joy in being with her, and being alive. Why couldn't I have just laughed instead of yelled?

I never wanted to write in this blog. Except I did. I was just afraid that I would give to much away. I don't hold back, I don't use fake names. I don't believe anyone is innocent. Ignorant perhaps, but not innocent. But hey, here I am. Why? Because it doesn't matter anymore. I can't fuck it up any more than it is at this moment. And so now, I am free to write without fear. The fear is gone, but the love remains.

The pain of it at least. It was hard to sleep last night, it was hard to get up this morning. The whole day is going to be hard without her in it. Without knowing that I'll be coming home to her after a hard day of work.

I know that one of my problems is that I give to much of myself away. A reoccurring theme that has developed in my past relationships. I used to tell myself that I just needed to find someone who was wiling to give as much back to me. Now I realize that there are some aspects of my life that I can't compromise on. Raine taught me that. The way she desires to be a writer used to bother me. I felt like I had to fight that desire because it interfered with my love for her - if push came to shove, she would choose her words over me. So I pushed and shoved to prove she didn't love me. And only after my stupidity do I realize that one of the reasons that I love her is because she is a writer. There is no need to set myself against her passion. Her passion increases my passion for her. So here I am, not proclaiming my innocence, but rather my ignorance in how to truly love and support another human being that I care about. My parents never showed me how. We all have to grow up alone and on our own choose what to learn for ourselves.

And for the record, to her sister I do apologize. A thousand times. I am sorry I scared you. I am sorry I got upset. I am sorry for the words I said to you. I am sorry that I verbally attacked you in a public space. I see now that you were only doing what you thought to be the best for your sister's well being. And I even agree with you. I never should have put my desire for Raine to come to the party with me above her desire to want to go somewhere else. I am sorry that I took your sister away from you when you needed to talk to her about the issues that were currently being dealt with in your family. I hope you will forgive me for my actions and behavior. I hope we can be friends and work together from our own individual mutual desire to increase your sister's well being - or I did. Now I just want you to know I apologize and I am sorry that I hurt you.

That being said, It's hard for me to form a positive relationship with someone who doesn't like me - who doesn't think I am good enough for her sister. But I guess it is every man's job to prove to a woman's family that he is worthy of her love in some way. I guess I was hoping that her love for me would be enough for you all to see that I was a person worthy of it. But I now see that Raine, by her own admonition,  has chosen some very unhealthy men in her past to be in a relationship with. I can't blame you for assuming that I was just another in a long chain of abusive boyfriends. And I see how my actions that day just helped to reaffirm your belief. My mistake. I'd do things much differently if I could relive that day in the coffee shop knowing what I do now.

For what it is worth please pass on what I have written above to your sister/family or anyone else who feels they would find some comfort/healing in reading my words above.

You were right about me Raine. I do want to be a healer. I am a healer. Which is why it is so hard for me to admit to being wrong when I have caused someone else pain. It is exactly the opposite of the effect I would like to produce. What makes it even more difficult is that sometimes, especially in psychological work, you have to "hurt" people to help them. In the way that it hurts me to see myself in the mirror, yet knowing at the same time that I have to see what I really am if I am ever to alter myself to be what I wish to be. It's difficult for me to see myself as a healer when I sometimes hurt people I care about - regardless of whether I intended to or not. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt myself. It even hurts me when I see you hurting yourself. You seem to cause yourself so much pain. And it is magnified by the fact that I seem to do the same to myself. Oh how twisted life becomes when pain and pleasure bleed together.

I hear your words and I have been present for your actions. I also see how one moment reaches out and brings forth the next. One aspect of the mirror image you have provided me is seeing how we both hurt ourselves in the present moment when we give into our desire for instant gratification and comfort rather than what would benefit us in the long run. When I see you do that, I see myself do it. The anger I express to you is in reality just the anger I harbor for myself for making the same mistakes. One of life's little annoyances is that it is so much easier to see other people's mistakes than it is to see our own. I don't know if that is true for all cultures or just our own. Part of me hopes it is our culture so that I may have the hope of one day unlearning that trait. I want to take the lens and focus it on myself. I want to examine my own mistakes and correct them accordingly. A first step is to acknowledge where my anger truly comes from and, even though I sense it easier through the actions of others, I need to realize that it is my desire to alter my own behavior and the difficulty in doing so which causes me pain. I guess it is the difference between treating others the way you wish to be treated and treating yourself the way you wish others would treat you. I want to treat myself with understanding, compassion and acceptance for who I am.

I am sorry I declined your offer to play Mario Kart last night. I must have been insane. I never would have thought I would ever be in a position to deny such a wonderful offer from such an exceptional woman. I am a fool. At the time I simply wanted to make love to you and I didn't want to, in any way, be fighting, arguing or competing against you - even in a game. But maybe that is where all our fights belong, in a game. That way we can just be together in love in reality. Every time we disagree about what we should do, we should settle it with a game and let fate decide. Let God take the responsibility ze deserves.

Thank you for allowing me into your life. Thank you for allowing me the chance to write a piece of our story together for a time. I would have liked to have written more together. I am sorry I broke it. I needed to prove that you loved me. So I tested it and poked about to find the weak points. I still fall to the childish fantasy of a love that can weather all storms and is unbreakable. Yet I doubt any ship will last when a person goes about the boat creating holes in the haul just to see how much water the ship can take on before it begins to sink.

Instead, I should have been giving my energy to those aspects of our relationship that were the strongest; Dancing, playing and laughing together. We really were making love. I wish I would have given us more time for that. I was in such a rush to get here without you. I hate it and I miss you. I should have waited in bed with you instead. Damn my lack of patience.

- Elijah

(sorry for the bad grammar - not a strength of mine)

Spiritual Jackpot

Sitting at the Central Library right now, finishing writing assignments and ditching out of the 'job' I just got.  Eeking out an existence by writing to me is better than making money selling vacuum cleaners.

Instead, I got my morning vices of coffee and cigarettes– real cigarettes for the time being, since I found two packs at Elijah's grandparents' house and can't afford the e cigs– and headed here to continue to pursue  my dreams.  My other vice is alcohol, of course, although I've been able to drink again since Tuesday and have had only one beer due to being so broke.  I plan to hit the bottle, no question.  I found half-gallons at the grandparents' as well, though perhaps E is wise to abscond them from me, considering.

I told him today, "I would rather live in a trailer the rest of my life and be recognized by people as a writer than work my life away selling vacuum cleaners just to live in a fancy condo."  True.

(Though the way I encode everyone in this blog, you'd never guess I had a quest for recognition.)

So I turned down an opportunity to make money at a mainstream job that to many would be considered a good day's work for salaried pay.  I'd rather be a starving artist.  This is who I am.  I was meant for this life.  I'm the quiet person at the library or your local coffee shop who writes for a living and sits for hours lost in thought.

E promised today to unconditionally support me in my quest.  This officially makes him everything I've been looking for and didn't yet know it.  I hope someday I can give him everything in return.

One thing that he's decided he wants that I can help him with is to reach out to people with his incredible spirit.  I just texted him this:

I completely support you has a spiritual/sexual healer.  You are amazing and have a unique gift to give.  I didn't realize until now how much you've already healed me.  I will love you forever for it.

This is one of those things that I didn't recognize until I wrote it out just then.  It's getting to be a spring day and I feel good.  I needed to change my mindset from wanting him to quest for wealth and truly seeing the greater path that he is on.  I can and will be there for him in this.  But it is his, he is the healer. I am the artist.

Mmmm, I need whiskey...

Making the conscious decision to not sell vacuum cleaners this morning put my mind into a completely different place.  A higher place.

I miss Uriah.  E also told me that, despite the 'closed container', he is completely at ease with my continuing to see U and that he (E) need not be present for that.  Uriah is grandfathered in, you might say.  I'm so glad to hear that.  I love Uriah also.  I suppose one could put labels like 'polyamory' on it, but in reality, this is just who I am and I sort of dislike the label.  My dream of a triad with two bisexual men is not out of the question, either.

This is the spiritual jackpot.  To hell with money, then.  To hell with anything and everything else that is a distraction.  The sun is shining through the third-floor library windows.  There is so much joy in life, just as there is so much pain.  Such thoughts are peaceful.

A year ago today, I reached a pivot point after breaking up with Ezekiel.  He is pivotal to the crossroads I'm in now in so many ways, too.  The subject of Ezekiel is a complex one.  Suffice it to say, he is in my heart always and we both still get joy from the connection we made and then tried masochistically to destroy.  We nearly needed to destroy it because we couldn't handle it and still travel a terrestrial course.  Perhaps he and I will meet again when he is further along in his spiritual path, but I doubt it.  Certainly that path was put on hold for his PhD and prolly forever.  It took a while but I'm happy my spirit was too great and vibrant to be sucked dry by Immunology and by Vermont.  In connecting with Elijah, I'm reminded of the feeling Ezekiel, though, and it no longer makes me sad, only content.

The regulars are here in the Map Room with me.  Libraries are great for forming relationships with the other regulars in which words never need be exchanged.  I sometimes wonder what these people do here all day.  I get bits of their life stories.  This has been the case for me at every library I've ever frequented.

So much for my pretentious condo association.  I belong with the artists eeking it out in NoPo.  I fought it mentally to the point where I almost sold vacuum cleaners and nearly reached a point-of-no-return.  But I didn't go there, and I am so grateful that I don't have to.  I embrace life so much.

Thank you Portland, for making it all possible.

Differences a Week Makes

Last Tuesday (Valentine's Day):

• Awoke at Ashtoreth's house early, got dropped off downtown by Sole on her way home to Eugene.
• Worked at Starbuck's on the Square for a while.
• Moved the operation to Central Library after deciding with Hannah that Valentine's day was a bad day for a work session.
• Feeling: Free and grateful to be away from the toxic triad situation.  Hoped that surviving a non-chalant Valentine's day would be the last appearance I would ever need to put in.
• Took the bus home to get ready for Jezebel to pick me up.  My instructions were to "dress casual and wear red or black."  (Portlandians prolly know where this is headed...)
• Got picked up by J, who was dressed up nicely.
• Arrived at Elijah's house, where it smelled like sage and a string of heart-shaped lights were lining the stairwell, and candles lit.  Led into his room, where there was a heart-shaped box of chocolates and two flower pots with live roses, one for J and one for me.
• J then gives us cards and presents as well.

[THOUGHTS AT THE TIME: Oh, shit.  I totally dropped the ball on this.  Granted, I don't particularly care about Valentine's day and never have, but shit.  Also granted that I was glad to be out of this as of 20 minutes before, and broke as all fuck, and having zero expectations for this dumpster fire of a "relationship" if one could call it that, but... Shit.]

• The triad goes to dinner.  Ahijah joins us, wearing a suit.  So everyone is dressed nicely but me, although I at least made an effort and wasn't totally scrub.
• Elijah freaks out on me.  Decides he isn't going to the Blazer game.  I feel zero remorse and just want to have a reasonably fun night.
• Ahijah, J and I went to the Blazers game.  FUN!!!  I was wanting to go ever since Thom offered me a ticket and I had to turn it down bc of some 'commitment' to E that required me to drive with him back to Salem after just arriving back in Portland on the bus from Eugene.  

[Once again, I had been guilted into doing something that I didn't want to do and now it continues to bite me in the ass.  The time in question: I called E and asked if I could go to the Blazer game and not to Salem w him, since I wanted to see my friend Thom, who I rarely get to see anymore.  I had seen E every day, J was already going w him so he wouldn't be alone, and I didn't want to travel halfway back to where I was earlier. It didn't seem like my presence was necessary, in my eyes.  Of course he said No, and takes the fact that I even asked him to mean that I don't want honor my commitments.  As though my only commitments should ever be to him and no one else in my life matters.  I deign to believe truly that this is borne of insecurity rather than an attempt to control me, the way the guy I dated previously tried to do.]

• Despite the fun and sexy playfulness between the three of us at the game and after, Jezebel remained in contact w E throughout the game and even let it drag her down a bit.  It speaks volumes about where her heart is at.  
• We re-joined up with Elijah to go dancing in China town.  But we first stopped at Ahijah's house so he could change and E and I broke up officially.
• Dancing was awesome.  For whatever reason I had some sexual magnetism going on.  But more on that later.
• Ended up with E somehow sleeping at my house and Jezebel and Ahijah going home together.  Who knows why that went the way it did.  Alas.  More about that another time, too.

This week is a whole different ballgame:

• Awoke in my condo with Elijah.
• Did yoga with him before breakfast.
• He left for work and I didn't get caffeine fast enough and so passed out for another couple hours.
• Went to Starbucks down the block from my house to get a lot of work done!
• I'm starting a new day job tomorrow and need to get my writing jobs squared away while I still can.
• I took a piece of Adderall so I was cracking good on getting work done and didn't realize that I was sort of running away from talking to Jezebel unintentionally.  I hate the position I'm in but E & I have connected on so many levels since last week and are so in love.  

[After Elijah and I broke up, we re-evaluated the triad.  He came to realize that J was his ex-girlfriend that was still in love with him at all costs, and not a friend.  Or maybe it was me that just realized that, since they both seemed to know and even tell me that the whole time.  But their actions painted a different picture and that combined with my quest for a happy triad made me blind to the truth.  My view had been that they simply had 'love with problems' and I was added to the mix to bridge the gap and help them grow back together.  Apparently I was wrong. They are toxic to each other's happiness right now and it was toxic to me as well.  Crushing.]

• Came home just now to a peaceful scene: Elijah making dinner before we go to contact improv, Hannah and her children visiting with Zeruah, and me still holding a hot cup of coffee in my hand :)

Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.