Despite working full-time for the past 2.5 months (!), I still have had a few adventures.
1.) I 'cheated' on my dom (Alvan). First of all, you know how there's some people you get in a relationship with and when it's over or time's gone by, it's done? Alvan is not one of them. (Neither are Amariah, Elijah, or Halah.) So even though it's been a substantial amount of time (5 months or so?) since he tied me up and beat me until I was crying my eyes out about Amariah, I still feel loyal to Alvan. This other dom scared the shit outta me tho, to the point where I felt truly rattled about the experience. He is rich and powerful. He talked to me at length about the lifestyle, which also scared me, and I don't think I want to go down the rabbit hole of truly being a sub, even though apparently I'm good at it. Unlike Alvan, he did fuck me though. He also cuddled me after spanking me silly for a long while. I foresaw the relationship with this dom being quite intense and not something I'm totally after. I think this is the first time I've ever even written about it.
2.) The experience with the dom was sort of also 'cheating' on Halah, even though Halah's totally poly. I think it was the beginning of the end with Halah. He said "I love you" to me too quickly and it made me panic. I haven't had sex with him in over a month, even though we still have an emotional relationship. I'm totally in love with him. Ironically, my being a sub in some ways is interfering with my being with him because he's always on me to initiate and I just can't. The dom from above said he would hate the sub taking initiative, which means I'm a good sub for not doing that. Apparently the one time I did 'initiate' sex with Halah was also very sub: I nuzzled into him so that I could smell him and feel his body while he slept and then I masturbated, so that he awoke to me in his arms having an orgasm. I think it's quite sexy. However, I'm also ruthlessly insecure and he has all of these ongoing love affairs and is meeting new people and I don't know how to reconcile my intense feelings for him with the fact that I don't get to see him very often and that I don't feel close to him or that I get as much affection as the other lovers do. It is SO frustrating to think about. So we're still 'lovers' though I don't even know what that means and I constantly pine about him.
3.) Had a nice 4-sum with Jedidiah (who is not into me), Jezebel and Ahijah. I totally ruined it talking about how fat I am though.
4.) Been dating a hot 24-year-old. He's poly and super into me and I see him maybe once per week at most. Interestingly, since the 4-sum, he's the only person I've actually slept with for the past month, and that's only happened twice but it's been fun.
5.) Basically, however, I'm not getting laid, and Uriah, my lover I usually would go to, is in a monogamous relationship (!), and therefore gone. Which is strange. He would be on my list of ongoing emotional attachments, but isn't because of this. I feel like he is totally unavailable, which sucks, since the last I was near him, I still felt there was a lot of love there. (He was not impressed with my stories of Halah, either. "Boring!" is what he said about Halah's urination/female ejaculation fetish. I actually kind of agree, Halah's really no more freaky than that.) Elijah, I feel like all I would have to do is see him and talk to him and let chemistry take over better judgement. Amariah I still love and miss and would probably just cuddle with one time– hell, it only takes me being near him– to still feel all the love there, even if it wouldn't end in sex either. It would end up with us back in our non-traditional relationship that we had for years that was very unhealthy because neither of us knew how to communicate what we needed/wanted from the other in a constructive way.
My questions now: How do I shake this idea of poly that people seem to have of me that follows me around? I don't want a relationship where my partner has other lovers that I will never get to meet or know about. I do want someone who will bond with me and build a strong relationship before introducing others into. My idea is sharing and honesty.
Christopher Ryan seems to talk about how ancient human societies used to all share lovers, but those societies probably stuck together and saw each other all the time and were quite close-knit, the way that societies are notsomuch today. It just seems to leave insecurity and angst. I favor a flat organization, one in which there are a total of three or more people, fidelitous with each other, at least at first. This would be great for me because I could have hot orgies all the time with people I love and trust, and know that the relationship as a whole wouldn't crumble just because I get weird and depressed/creative sometimes and need to withdraw into my shell.
OK. Enough. No one ever reads this shit anyway except me.
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