Cloudy Friday Night

It's been a while.

My job (which I still have and it is going great) is keeping me busy. Very busy in fact. But I am taking some time away from it to introspect.

It's nice to have money and perks that come with being employed. One of the first things I did with my first paycheck was to get a gym membership and a tanning package near my apartment. Both are essentials to my happiness. The gym was a godsend last night when, after a night of drinking and a birthday dinner, I found myself stuck alone downtown for five hours without my bike, waiting for the bus. I sobered up in the sauna with a lot of water, then worked out, then hit the steam room and caught the first bus home in the morning. I had to awaken less than 3 hours later to look at a new bike, which turned out to be too small for me. Then I slept all day finally.

Another mini-relationship came to an end last night, I think. It was a long time coming, actually. I hadn't had sex with Halah in over a month, probably because I went ahead and had sex with a dom, then a few weeks later had a 4-sum (with Jezebel, Amariah, and the infamous Jedidiah finally, who still is not that into me), and then finally sealed the deal with this incredibly hot 24 year-old from Vancouver that I've been seeing. While the 'primary' relationship I was in was supposedly poly, I think he thought it only referred to himself and he assumed I would be the monogamous one. Typical. But I'm bummed about it.

During my delirium last night, I started writing a story about him in my head that I jotted down on my phone's notepad.

I miss my mom and dad. My mom hates that I work for an old friend of my dad's that she never got along with. But she also was down on me for not being some impressive PhD student anymore and for not being married. Her now husband is a raging douchebag and I dislike him. It's been over a month since I've seen her, and last time I did she was so incredibly bitchy. Saying that I am selfish and only come over in order to use her. That is not and never was the case. I'm not using her for anything and never was. She basically told me last time we hung out to just go on and marry whoever, and that it didn't matter who and I didn't even have to see the person that much. I suppose that I might be able to actually do that, since trying this 'going with my heart' thing never works.

It's starting to come to me again that Tracy McMillan was right: I'm too crazy. I'm too independent. I get too involved in myself and my life. One thing I did learn from this recent 3-month stint is that I need to get out when the first signs are showing that it's not working. The BETTER thing I learned, though, is that I need to have something to be 'about', some cause or something to give my life meaning. The work I'm doing as a writer, however, is very fulfilling. But I want something else to get into that will bring me joy and a sense of purpose.