Hot mess

This was my day yesterday.  I think the details speak for themselves.

I awoke naked ca 8:30 a.m. next to a mildly random acquaintance, got fucked a few more times, and then when back to sleep while he tried to locate his lost phone.  I still had blow crusting out my nose and still felt drunk on wine from Isaiah's classy wine party, which Isaiah had brought a date to.  So fine, the night was great anyway, lots of friends there and good connections made, including Ashton showing up.  Nonetheless, it took a turn when said friend, a sexy muscular black man from South Africa, showed up and started doing lines with me in the bathroom.  After that, it was the strip club and then a drunken taxi ride to a hotel and tons of sex.  Dry spell officially over.

I checked my work email and got a few things accomplished after he left on his phone quest, then came stumbling out of the Jupiter Hotel into the brightness of the 11:30 a.m. sunshine.  I caught the bus and went to my office, because I had to get some files of my work computer that weren't syncing to my laptop, feeling tired and sad (hangover depression) and not really knowing where else to go or what else to do.  On the way, I swallowed one of these hard-core diet pills I got, and that made me feel alert enough.

An hour after arriving, I was writing away when Elijah was blowing me up to meet up with me.  I told him I would go over to his place in an hour, which is when my bus transfer expired, since I still didn't have my bike back after Monday's drunken escapade with Jezebel and Tamara.  I was feeling ULTRA sad and self-depricating and basically horribly depressed, but I went anyway.  

During the bus and MAX ride, though, I started to feel worse and worse, to the point where I couldn't look at anyone without seeing pain and wanting to cry.  I suppose I was sort of at my wits end anyway, with my mom and Heaters getting married and all, but the hangover made it worse.  I nearly didn't want to go, and actually started to walk in a different direction at the last minute, but I did.  By then it was Day 2 of not eating, in addition to everything else.

I arrived at Elijah's a crying, depressing mess, and just wanted to argue with him and was not in any way fun to be around.  I tried to tell him what was going on, but it wasn't getting through I don't think, and I was all confused and awkward.  Eventually I started slugging the remainder of a bottle of wine that I was given, which got me all philosophical for a bit, and we took a nap.

I started crying on the way to Last Thursday and sort of ran away from being around him until he found his new girlfriend and was all affectionate with her and it just made it all worse to see Jedidiah in the crowd and feel so isolated and depressed, so I slipped out through the crowd and away from the madness.  Not, of course, without pretty much begging him to come sleep next to me later, which he couldn't do because he was promised to some other woman that evening.  All I can think of now is, how fucking embarrassing.

I took the MAX downtown and transferred to the bus to Isaiah's house.  I had a quiet dinner with him and his cool roommate, and felt a lot better.  I realized I hadn't eaten in like 2 days.  Even though the non-relationship with Isaiah (that I was never deluded about) is over, the friendship remains and it is super great.

Elijah texted me in the middle of the night to say he couldn't see me anymore because I we aren't right for each other or something.  It was a non-issue almost, although I was in a place similar to where I was a year ago with Ezekiel: Once dignity was lost, it was just gone.  Aka, I just would keep trying to get Ezekiel back even though our relationship broke because of me and he had moved on and was in love with someone else– just as Elijah is now.  But, it was comforting to read that while talking with friends and staying in Isaiah's comfy house filled with vibes of camaraderie.