Don't Fence Me In...

Last night at the Naked Bike Ride, it degenerated into a naked, outdoor make-out orgy on the streets of Portland.  More of what you would expect from the Raine you've become so fond of, right?

I almost wanted to downgrade the journal from NC-17 to R because of the lack of sex.  It's been literally over a month, if you don't count the sexy bi 21 year old from a week and a half ago.  But that was (to me) a one-night thing, so I don't actually count it.  He's been on my grill, though, which is a little annoying.  On the other hand... Maybe I could throw another bi male into the mix with him, as it has been a lil while since I have been properly double teamed.

I have a list of guys/gals in my paper journal that I'm 'talking to'.  True Single Raine style.  Even relationship Raine, really.  Still haven't met the person that can get over that and be really and truly poly w me.  Major news to me: It isn't Isaiah.  And no, I still don't have a clue WTF is up with that.

It's been 2 months since leaving Fuckface and getting the hell outta dodge.  Or, as the case was, moving the fuck out of the trailer illegally parked in NoPo outside a house of legally and ethically questionable activity.  Nonetheless, I can't help but feel as though I may have had the slight case of relationship-induced claustrophobia leading up to the dramatic exit.

Blerg.  I would get into moments of self-realization such as those and then feel the need to text him about it.  Now we are blocked on Facebook, phone, text, and email.  I think the communication opportunities are over for good, and none too soon.  If it were a year ago, I would be doing the same thing with Ezekiel: Thinking that some realization will heal our problems, when the real thing is that we're just not going to ever work out.  Patterns are hard to break.  No, that relationship in NoPo was fun much of the time but just not right, and ultimately I think that's the root of why I felt so fucking stifled.

I am starting to feel single again.  There is a huge difference between being Single and being in even a poly relationship.  Something about being fenced in.  Yes, that's how it feels.  I am at a phase where I want to do literally whatever I want all the time.  I like walking out of the house without telling ANYONE where I'm going and being back whenever the hell I want to- if at all.  I want to be able to get my breasts cast and stay over with a hottie Burner and then bike to work and then flirt with the yoga instructor and sleep over with my friend after a night of cocktails with the Girls.  Nothing even too crazy, just free...

I've been sort of hermiting in Jerusha's place while she's gone and I'm house-sitting.  It's been a year and a half since I gave up my studio apartment in Burlington (illegal sublet), and I've been house-sharing ever since.  These past 4 months of "living" at Eve & Abel's have been me sometimes staying there and really just staying with friends all over the city.  So it's nice to have my own pad.  The only thing that makes it seem not TOTALLY mine is that I still can't smoke inside, which is trashy but one of my favorite things.

I'm going through some revelations.  For one, I was kayaking with Abidan the other day and realized that I am COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY flighty.  Naturally, like any good white person, I blame my parents.  My dad, Adam, more so than Eve.  He was totally controlling and micro-managing.  Now it seems like I am a perfectionist but completely and utterly un-pinnable to anything ever.  I can't be on-time, I can't spend too much time in one place, I can't bond too much with one person before feeling caged.  I have no idea what to do about that.

I think it's interfering with whatever-capacity of relationship is going on with Uriah.  I was feeling loving and close with him and then started to really freak out about it, and now I haven't seen him in weeks.  The last time we hooked up it was ridiculously hot, I was not ready to go down that road maybe.  I think this recent breakup w Elijah is just bringing up the same recurring issues I always have.

I feel foremost like I should apologize to Amariah about everything: "I really just need to get fucked, baby.  I still love you."

Well, I am supposed to be working on Finance essays.  They are interesting but I am so tired!  This weekend= kayaking, hiking, and biking.  Super fun but not enough sleep at ALL.