Day 3

This is the third day of the dreaded caffeine detox.  Actually, caffeine's just the most prominent part of the detox, which also includes alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs, and real cigarettes (not e cigs, at this time).  It would be a mistake to say that any of these were easy to go without, but I kept reading that a caffeine detox needs to include these other components to truly be effective in breaking the addiction/habit.  So, yesterday sucked and I am surprised that I was able to pull off getting anything done at all, to be honest.

I started this morning with yoga, hot ashtanga flow, at a place very close to here.  It was AMAZING.  I always have relied on Bikram when going through a detox because I think sweating out toxins is a huge help.  Although this studio does not seem to have actual Bikram (unfortunately), the price is right so there it is.  I'm lucky enough to have a minuscule amount of money coming in so that I can even afford to go... What a luxury to go to yoga, I now realize, after having to go without for 3 months.

Sunday was great, minus the fact that I had my first legitimate breakdown since I moved to Portland.  I think it was something to do with extreme sleep deprivation, drinking tequila until 6 a.m. while playing the Battlestar Galactica board game, and PMSing, as well as it being Easter without my dad and my having had recurring dreams about him.  Although it seems like it, the drinking was not out of control; certainly not on the level that I had to do a detox the way Uriah did.

[Uriah... Long and difficult subject.  I miss him and will miss him more when he is gone for 6 months.  I need to disappear into him for at least a week straight before he goes.  More on this later, though.]


Anyway, I freaked out and cried and cried about being fat and losing everything in Vermont and about my dad being gone and about not having anything good to show for my life and about losing my friends because of being who I am and about Ezekiel and about Amariah.  I cried it all out.

I got to Eve's house Sunday afternoon and went through some of Dad's notebooks.  Sole was there but is still acting strangely toward me.  Oh well.  I think she is much more money-oriented than I am, I have always been motivated by different things.  I also think she harbors much more awkwardness about our upbringing and wishes to move away from it, whereas I have always embraced it.  I think things will be okay in the end.

After that I had a good time with Abel and Eve, and then went to Alvan's house with Elijah.  Alvan, as it so happens, is an amazing chef, and I like him and his friends a lot.  He told us he really liked us and that we challenged him and others in good ways, and that people say good things about Elijah and I.  I thought that was sweet and was honored by it.  E and I get it from people all the time that we are great together; and this is from people that know us as a couple.  I'm definitely sad that Sole got such a bad impression, but I think that it will dissipate in time because I am quite spectacularly happy and content.

Some other highlights: I live here officially now, which means I have to at some point get my things out of my old place with Zeruah.  E and I had a four-sum with another couple we met at a club and then the next day a three-way with our friend Evi.  We both like her a lot but I don't know if it will be anything more than playing, and I think she's only experimentally bi.  I miss being in a triad, though.

Somehow so much has happened in my life and yet I still find myself happy and joyful almost every day.