Screaming into the mirror

Raine and I got in a fight yesterday. Probably the worst it has been. I know a lot of it was my fault. I think she would say it was because I didn't love her and didn't want to be with her. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. I love her very much. It hurts me because I love her so much. I just can't let go of my fear. Sometimes it subsides but it always rises again and twists the words I say. She feels it. She is a mirror of my thoughts and emotions. When I look at her, I see myself. The good parts and the bad. It feels like the moment in the Never Ending Story when Atreyu has to see his true self in the mirror. Some men run away screaming...

Except, I don't want to run away. I just stand their screaming at myself, screaming into the mirror. It's silly. I know. Oh how I know. If I could go back to that moment - to every moment I seemed angry - and just laugh it all away I would. Oh to just find joy in being with her, and being alive. Why couldn't I have just laughed instead of yelled?

I never wanted to write in this blog. Except I did. I was just afraid that I would give to much away. I don't hold back, I don't use fake names. I don't believe anyone is innocent. Ignorant perhaps, but not innocent. But hey, here I am. Why? Because it doesn't matter anymore. I can't fuck it up any more than it is at this moment. And so now, I am free to write without fear. The fear is gone, but the love remains.

The pain of it at least. It was hard to sleep last night, it was hard to get up this morning. The whole day is going to be hard without her in it. Without knowing that I'll be coming home to her after a hard day of work.

I know that one of my problems is that I give to much of myself away. A reoccurring theme that has developed in my past relationships. I used to tell myself that I just needed to find someone who was wiling to give as much back to me. Now I realize that there are some aspects of my life that I can't compromise on. Raine taught me that. The way she desires to be a writer used to bother me. I felt like I had to fight that desire because it interfered with my love for her - if push came to shove, she would choose her words over me. So I pushed and shoved to prove she didn't love me. And only after my stupidity do I realize that one of the reasons that I love her is because she is a writer. There is no need to set myself against her passion. Her passion increases my passion for her. So here I am, not proclaiming my innocence, but rather my ignorance in how to truly love and support another human being that I care about. My parents never showed me how. We all have to grow up alone and on our own choose what to learn for ourselves.

And for the record, to her sister I do apologize. A thousand times. I am sorry I scared you. I am sorry I got upset. I am sorry for the words I said to you. I am sorry that I verbally attacked you in a public space. I see now that you were only doing what you thought to be the best for your sister's well being. And I even agree with you. I never should have put my desire for Raine to come to the party with me above her desire to want to go somewhere else. I am sorry that I took your sister away from you when you needed to talk to her about the issues that were currently being dealt with in your family. I hope you will forgive me for my actions and behavior. I hope we can be friends and work together from our own individual mutual desire to increase your sister's well being - or I did. Now I just want you to know I apologize and I am sorry that I hurt you.

That being said, It's hard for me to form a positive relationship with someone who doesn't like me - who doesn't think I am good enough for her sister. But I guess it is every man's job to prove to a woman's family that he is worthy of her love in some way. I guess I was hoping that her love for me would be enough for you all to see that I was a person worthy of it. But I now see that Raine, by her own admonition,  has chosen some very unhealthy men in her past to be in a relationship with. I can't blame you for assuming that I was just another in a long chain of abusive boyfriends. And I see how my actions that day just helped to reaffirm your belief. My mistake. I'd do things much differently if I could relive that day in the coffee shop knowing what I do now.

For what it is worth please pass on what I have written above to your sister/family or anyone else who feels they would find some comfort/healing in reading my words above.

You were right about me Raine. I do want to be a healer. I am a healer. Which is why it is so hard for me to admit to being wrong when I have caused someone else pain. It is exactly the opposite of the effect I would like to produce. What makes it even more difficult is that sometimes, especially in psychological work, you have to "hurt" people to help them. In the way that it hurts me to see myself in the mirror, yet knowing at the same time that I have to see what I really am if I am ever to alter myself to be what I wish to be. It's difficult for me to see myself as a healer when I sometimes hurt people I care about - regardless of whether I intended to or not. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt myself. It even hurts me when I see you hurting yourself. You seem to cause yourself so much pain. And it is magnified by the fact that I seem to do the same to myself. Oh how twisted life becomes when pain and pleasure bleed together.

I hear your words and I have been present for your actions. I also see how one moment reaches out and brings forth the next. One aspect of the mirror image you have provided me is seeing how we both hurt ourselves in the present moment when we give into our desire for instant gratification and comfort rather than what would benefit us in the long run. When I see you do that, I see myself do it. The anger I express to you is in reality just the anger I harbor for myself for making the same mistakes. One of life's little annoyances is that it is so much easier to see other people's mistakes than it is to see our own. I don't know if that is true for all cultures or just our own. Part of me hopes it is our culture so that I may have the hope of one day unlearning that trait. I want to take the lens and focus it on myself. I want to examine my own mistakes and correct them accordingly. A first step is to acknowledge where my anger truly comes from and, even though I sense it easier through the actions of others, I need to realize that it is my desire to alter my own behavior and the difficulty in doing so which causes me pain. I guess it is the difference between treating others the way you wish to be treated and treating yourself the way you wish others would treat you. I want to treat myself with understanding, compassion and acceptance for who I am.

I am sorry I declined your offer to play Mario Kart last night. I must have been insane. I never would have thought I would ever be in a position to deny such a wonderful offer from such an exceptional woman. I am a fool. At the time I simply wanted to make love to you and I didn't want to, in any way, be fighting, arguing or competing against you - even in a game. But maybe that is where all our fights belong, in a game. That way we can just be together in love in reality. Every time we disagree about what we should do, we should settle it with a game and let fate decide. Let God take the responsibility ze deserves.

Thank you for allowing me into your life. Thank you for allowing me the chance to write a piece of our story together for a time. I would have liked to have written more together. I am sorry I broke it. I needed to prove that you loved me. So I tested it and poked about to find the weak points. I still fall to the childish fantasy of a love that can weather all storms and is unbreakable. Yet I doubt any ship will last when a person goes about the boat creating holes in the haul just to see how much water the ship can take on before it begins to sink.

Instead, I should have been giving my energy to those aspects of our relationship that were the strongest; Dancing, playing and laughing together. We really were making love. I wish I would have given us more time for that. I was in such a rush to get here without you. I hate it and I miss you. I should have waited in bed with you instead. Damn my lack of patience.

- Elijah

(sorry for the bad grammar - not a strength of mine)