Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.