Day 12 Without Drinking

Ironically, I am in a bar right now.  I tend to find myself in bars, and around ppl that are drinking.  But it seems OK to me.  I am happy without it.  Only one or two times in the past 12 days have I really even wanted a drink.  It's saving me a lot of $$, too.

This bar is the one Jezebel works at, and she is working right now.  Elijah and Tamara are here, too.  We're going to First Thursday after this.

Just one month ago, I was here with Laddies and Heaters, my old friends from college.  I just met Jezebel the day before, when Elijah introduced me to her.  Now I have been here for hours, waiting for her to be done with work so that we can all check out First Thursday.

She seems stressed.  I can't take it on as my own anymore though, or I'll go nuts.  I am having a great day, and I am in a great place.  I need to remember to not let others' bad moods ruin it for me.

Nonetheless, I am feeling the need to leave and have for 2 months now been operating on the plan that I would leave for South America in the beginning of April.  I am not entirely sure whether I want to go specifically there, or whether that job specifically is panning out, but I have an itch to get gone.

I have hit Reset.

This seems quite the contradiction from my desire to build a community here/ live w Elijah in his late grandparents' house, but those options are not panning out.  And I am stuck in a bit of a rut, paying way too much money to live in SW Portland in a condo by the river when what I need is to lower my expenses and save to travel the way I always wanted to.

Right before my relationship with E & J began, I had some great talks with friends of Sole's who worked freelance outside of the US for several years.  It was inspirational, and led me to the realization that I need to get out of town, and THAT I CAN GET OUT!  That is the joy of freelance.

And the joy of still being single and living a more or less 'freelance life'.  Mid-march, I'm going to visit Solomon with Sole and Ashtoreth in San Diego.  Then my plan from there is to see where I can get to and who in the world I can come visit and who will go with me.

The 'who will go with me' is where it gets dicey.  I want Elijah to go with me a lot, but I know inside he won't.  He and Jezebel are alike that way, in that they will never leave Portland/Oregon, even to come back.  And they are scared to.  And... They are scared to leave each other.  I would bet a lot of money that I don't have that, despite everything that they say about not being right for each other, they will still be together when I get back.  That's all there is to it.

I wish I could get money for seeing so clearly what they miss about our triad:  It is they that are in the 'real' (Primary, if you will) relationship here.  I am the 'little wife'/'secondary'/ whatever.  And not just because she is the ex that is butting in, but he wants her in the relationship as well as I do.  I just constantly have to say to both of them that it is a triad and that I don't want to date either one separately.

Although I notice that E consistently cock blocks J and I spending alone time together.

Anyway, I have decided to quietly go about making my own plans and not take any of this too seriously,  no matter how 'in love' I feel with them.  I just don't feel like throwing down my opportunity to travel and experience things, and I guess I'm not worried that any opportunities I have going on now will be completely gone by the time I return to Portland.

Which I know now, I will always do.