Differences a Week Makes

Last Tuesday (Valentine's Day):

• Awoke at Ashtoreth's house early, got dropped off downtown by Sole on her way home to Eugene.
• Worked at Starbuck's on the Square for a while.
• Moved the operation to Central Library after deciding with Hannah that Valentine's day was a bad day for a work session.
• Feeling: Free and grateful to be away from the toxic triad situation.  Hoped that surviving a non-chalant Valentine's day would be the last appearance I would ever need to put in.
• Took the bus home to get ready for Jezebel to pick me up.  My instructions were to "dress casual and wear red or black."  (Portlandians prolly know where this is headed...)
• Got picked up by J, who was dressed up nicely.
• Arrived at Elijah's house, where it smelled like sage and a string of heart-shaped lights were lining the stairwell, and candles lit.  Led into his room, where there was a heart-shaped box of chocolates and two flower pots with live roses, one for J and one for me.
• J then gives us cards and presents as well.

[THOUGHTS AT THE TIME: Oh, shit.  I totally dropped the ball on this.  Granted, I don't particularly care about Valentine's day and never have, but shit.  Also granted that I was glad to be out of this as of 20 minutes before, and broke as all fuck, and having zero expectations for this dumpster fire of a "relationship" if one could call it that, but... Shit.]

• The triad goes to dinner.  Ahijah joins us, wearing a suit.  So everyone is dressed nicely but me, although I at least made an effort and wasn't totally scrub.
• Elijah freaks out on me.  Decides he isn't going to the Blazer game.  I feel zero remorse and just want to have a reasonably fun night.
• Ahijah, J and I went to the Blazers game.  FUN!!!  I was wanting to go ever since Thom offered me a ticket and I had to turn it down bc of some 'commitment' to E that required me to drive with him back to Salem after just arriving back in Portland on the bus from Eugene.  

[Once again, I had been guilted into doing something that I didn't want to do and now it continues to bite me in the ass.  The time in question: I called E and asked if I could go to the Blazer game and not to Salem w him, since I wanted to see my friend Thom, who I rarely get to see anymore.  I had seen E every day, J was already going w him so he wouldn't be alone, and I didn't want to travel halfway back to where I was earlier. It didn't seem like my presence was necessary, in my eyes.  Of course he said No, and takes the fact that I even asked him to mean that I don't want honor my commitments.  As though my only commitments should ever be to him and no one else in my life matters.  I deign to believe truly that this is borne of insecurity rather than an attempt to control me, the way the guy I dated previously tried to do.]

• Despite the fun and sexy playfulness between the three of us at the game and after, Jezebel remained in contact w E throughout the game and even let it drag her down a bit.  It speaks volumes about where her heart is at.  
• We re-joined up with Elijah to go dancing in China town.  But we first stopped at Ahijah's house so he could change and E and I broke up officially.
• Dancing was awesome.  For whatever reason I had some sexual magnetism going on.  But more on that later.
• Ended up with E somehow sleeping at my house and Jezebel and Ahijah going home together.  Who knows why that went the way it did.  Alas.  More about that another time, too.

This week is a whole different ballgame:

• Awoke in my condo with Elijah.
• Did yoga with him before breakfast.
• He left for work and I didn't get caffeine fast enough and so passed out for another couple hours.
• Went to Starbucks down the block from my house to get a lot of work done!
• I'm starting a new day job tomorrow and need to get my writing jobs squared away while I still can.
• I took a piece of Adderall so I was cracking good on getting work done and didn't realize that I was sort of running away from talking to Jezebel unintentionally.  I hate the position I'm in but E & I have connected on so many levels since last week and are so in love.  

[After Elijah and I broke up, we re-evaluated the triad.  He came to realize that J was his ex-girlfriend that was still in love with him at all costs, and not a friend.  Or maybe it was me that just realized that, since they both seemed to know and even tell me that the whole time.  But their actions painted a different picture and that combined with my quest for a happy triad made me blind to the truth.  My view had been that they simply had 'love with problems' and I was added to the mix to bridge the gap and help them grow back together.  Apparently I was wrong. They are toxic to each other's happiness right now and it was toxic to me as well.  Crushing.]

• Came home just now to a peaceful scene: Elijah making dinner before we go to contact improv, Hannah and her children visiting with Zeruah, and me still holding a hot cup of coffee in my hand :)