Changes

I feel motivated again.

I am a WRITER!

I came back from about 3 weeks with Solomon in San Diego, and I feel like a completely different person. Or, rather, more like the true self that has been in hiding since about November 2011.

Solomon and I opted not to go to Burning Man. Neither of us felt it was in line with our life ambitions. We were relieved to make the decision to not go. He is, and always will be, my friend. Platonic. Brother From Another Mother-style.

I attended a few other festivals this summer, largely because of Cyrus, and the truth is, I don't care about them. I see how they are meaningful to others, perhaps because other people do not have the goals and ambitions I do. I'm not saying they should. But that isn't the life that I want to create for myself and not really what I am interested in, to make a long story short.

I swam in the Pacific nearly every day, got a lot of writing done, finally got a tan, my hair got blonded out a bit again, and even in such a short time I took off the five pounds I put on during my time with Cyrus.

I had a fling with a beautiful Cuban who liked to take me out and buy me things and show me around town and made me feel absolutely fucking sexy. What was nice is that he & I didn't start really bonding until near the end. Aka we were keeping it casual as friends with benefits & didn't realize til the very end that we might actually be into each other as lovers. So who knows, but it was nice to take things slow finally and have someone treat me sweetly and not desperately. We had a few orgies, and I did blow and some molli and/or other drugs nearly every day. Also there was a boat. (More on this all later.)

I felt on top of what I had to do and inspired in a way I haven't been in such a long time.

Dating Elijah and to some extent Cyrus took a terrible toll on my soul. Fuck Sex Positive Portland! I am just starting to get back everything I felt I lost because of Elijah. And in truth, as much as I do love Jezebel, I came to realize after Beloved when she was giving him and yet another "love" of his a ride home that she will always be his pawn and not free of his awfulness. He used coming up and talking to her a few times at that festival as a means to either separate me from everyone or try to engage me in conversation. No, that situation was so horrible for me that I cannot stand to be in it in any way. He owes me $700 for the carpet he destroyed, which was all of my fucking bank savings. He should know how bad that hurts and that if he can afford all these bullshit festivals, maybe he can afford to actually help me out since he claims to have "loved" me. I am positive he has absolutely no idea what love is, and never will.

I finally garnered up enough self esteem to realize that Cyrus was being whiny and bringing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the relationship. All he was doing was riding my coat tails. All he was doing was fucking me, as though that was some sort of favor, and trying to get more out of me. I knew it was a bad sign when he was so ungrateful to the people he was staying with before. So I told him from San Diego to be out of my apartment by the time I got back. He did not listen, to my actual shock, and was sleeping in my bed even though he knew I was coming. He wanted to sleep with me (sex or no sex, he CLAIMED, ha!) then have a 'discussion' about it in the morning so that we were not on 'bad terms'. I had to draw a hard line and kicked him the fuck out. Victory!

The last straws started while I was gone, with him literally getting on my case because a.) I told him I didn't want him to sign the lease at my apartment, which he tried to do behind my back by talking to my roommate; and b.) I told him I might stay a few days in San Francisco & he got pissed that I wasn't coming back fast enough ("I'm gettin' really tired of sleepin' alone." In my bed at my house, you asshole! Sleep alone the rest of your life for all I care.) Prior to that, I unbelievably was still waffling on whether I would move and give him the apartment, although I was sure that I wanted to break up with him. After seeing one of his fits while I was house sitting, I should have broken up with him then, but he begged me back and probably because he was getting kicked out of my place rather than because he gave a shit about me. [I would like to note that my friends seem to believe he did/does care about me, so my judgement may be clouded by my feelings of being used.]

He had the nerve to throw a hissy fit at Beloved and ruin MY time there MORE THAN ONCE, and because I didn't suck up to him and give into his shit, he whined about me to ppl and they actually said HE could do better. I DARE YOU TO! No one as smart, hot, open-minded, and motivated as me will ever go for a bum like that again. That's what you get for being such an ass! I hope you enjoy your life working at a food cart and maybe you and Elijah can get together and hate on me for the rest of your pathetic lives.

Anyway. I've spent all of 2012 being damaged and depressed and distracted, and Solomon and San Diego helped bring me back to life.

Last night I had a dream I held my long-lost cat and would not let her go. I will adopt another cat one day, when I finally have a job and my own place again. I haven't had that for over two years. I think it was a sign of hope.