Screaming into the mirror

Raine and I got in a fight yesterday. Probably the worst it has been. I know a lot of it was my fault. I think she would say it was because I didn't love her and didn't want to be with her. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. I love her very much. It hurts me because I love her so much. I just can't let go of my fear. Sometimes it subsides but it always rises again and twists the words I say. She feels it. She is a mirror of my thoughts and emotions. When I look at her, I see myself. The good parts and the bad. It feels like the moment in the Never Ending Story when Atreyu has to see his true self in the mirror. Some men run away screaming...

Except, I don't want to run away. I just stand their screaming at myself, screaming into the mirror. It's silly. I know. Oh how I know. If I could go back to that moment - to every moment I seemed angry - and just laugh it all away I would. Oh to just find joy in being with her, and being alive. Why couldn't I have just laughed instead of yelled?

I never wanted to write in this blog. Except I did. I was just afraid that I would give to much away. I don't hold back, I don't use fake names. I don't believe anyone is innocent. Ignorant perhaps, but not innocent. But hey, here I am. Why? Because it doesn't matter anymore. I can't fuck it up any more than it is at this moment. And so now, I am free to write without fear. The fear is gone, but the love remains.

The pain of it at least. It was hard to sleep last night, it was hard to get up this morning. The whole day is going to be hard without her in it. Without knowing that I'll be coming home to her after a hard day of work.

I know that one of my problems is that I give to much of myself away. A reoccurring theme that has developed in my past relationships. I used to tell myself that I just needed to find someone who was wiling to give as much back to me. Now I realize that there are some aspects of my life that I can't compromise on. Raine taught me that. The way she desires to be a writer used to bother me. I felt like I had to fight that desire because it interfered with my love for her - if push came to shove, she would choose her words over me. So I pushed and shoved to prove she didn't love me. And only after my stupidity do I realize that one of the reasons that I love her is because she is a writer. There is no need to set myself against her passion. Her passion increases my passion for her. So here I am, not proclaiming my innocence, but rather my ignorance in how to truly love and support another human being that I care about. My parents never showed me how. We all have to grow up alone and on our own choose what to learn for ourselves.

And for the record, to her sister I do apologize. A thousand times. I am sorry I scared you. I am sorry I got upset. I am sorry for the words I said to you. I am sorry that I verbally attacked you in a public space. I see now that you were only doing what you thought to be the best for your sister's well being. And I even agree with you. I never should have put my desire for Raine to come to the party with me above her desire to want to go somewhere else. I am sorry that I took your sister away from you when you needed to talk to her about the issues that were currently being dealt with in your family. I hope you will forgive me for my actions and behavior. I hope we can be friends and work together from our own individual mutual desire to increase your sister's well being - or I did. Now I just want you to know I apologize and I am sorry that I hurt you.

That being said, It's hard for me to form a positive relationship with someone who doesn't like me - who doesn't think I am good enough for her sister. But I guess it is every man's job to prove to a woman's family that he is worthy of her love in some way. I guess I was hoping that her love for me would be enough for you all to see that I was a person worthy of it. But I now see that Raine, by her own admonition,  has chosen some very unhealthy men in her past to be in a relationship with. I can't blame you for assuming that I was just another in a long chain of abusive boyfriends. And I see how my actions that day just helped to reaffirm your belief. My mistake. I'd do things much differently if I could relive that day in the coffee shop knowing what I do now.

For what it is worth please pass on what I have written above to your sister/family or anyone else who feels they would find some comfort/healing in reading my words above.

You were right about me Raine. I do want to be a healer. I am a healer. Which is why it is so hard for me to admit to being wrong when I have caused someone else pain. It is exactly the opposite of the effect I would like to produce. What makes it even more difficult is that sometimes, especially in psychological work, you have to "hurt" people to help them. In the way that it hurts me to see myself in the mirror, yet knowing at the same time that I have to see what I really am if I am ever to alter myself to be what I wish to be. It's difficult for me to see myself as a healer when I sometimes hurt people I care about - regardless of whether I intended to or not. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt myself. It even hurts me when I see you hurting yourself. You seem to cause yourself so much pain. And it is magnified by the fact that I seem to do the same to myself. Oh how twisted life becomes when pain and pleasure bleed together.

I hear your words and I have been present for your actions. I also see how one moment reaches out and brings forth the next. One aspect of the mirror image you have provided me is seeing how we both hurt ourselves in the present moment when we give into our desire for instant gratification and comfort rather than what would benefit us in the long run. When I see you do that, I see myself do it. The anger I express to you is in reality just the anger I harbor for myself for making the same mistakes. One of life's little annoyances is that it is so much easier to see other people's mistakes than it is to see our own. I don't know if that is true for all cultures or just our own. Part of me hopes it is our culture so that I may have the hope of one day unlearning that trait. I want to take the lens and focus it on myself. I want to examine my own mistakes and correct them accordingly. A first step is to acknowledge where my anger truly comes from and, even though I sense it easier through the actions of others, I need to realize that it is my desire to alter my own behavior and the difficulty in doing so which causes me pain. I guess it is the difference between treating others the way you wish to be treated and treating yourself the way you wish others would treat you. I want to treat myself with understanding, compassion and acceptance for who I am.

I am sorry I declined your offer to play Mario Kart last night. I must have been insane. I never would have thought I would ever be in a position to deny such a wonderful offer from such an exceptional woman. I am a fool. At the time I simply wanted to make love to you and I didn't want to, in any way, be fighting, arguing or competing against you - even in a game. But maybe that is where all our fights belong, in a game. That way we can just be together in love in reality. Every time we disagree about what we should do, we should settle it with a game and let fate decide. Let God take the responsibility ze deserves.

Thank you for allowing me into your life. Thank you for allowing me the chance to write a piece of our story together for a time. I would have liked to have written more together. I am sorry I broke it. I needed to prove that you loved me. So I tested it and poked about to find the weak points. I still fall to the childish fantasy of a love that can weather all storms and is unbreakable. Yet I doubt any ship will last when a person goes about the boat creating holes in the haul just to see how much water the ship can take on before it begins to sink.

Instead, I should have been giving my energy to those aspects of our relationship that were the strongest; Dancing, playing and laughing together. We really were making love. I wish I would have given us more time for that. I was in such a rush to get here without you. I hate it and I miss you. I should have waited in bed with you instead. Damn my lack of patience.

- Elijah

(sorry for the bad grammar - not a strength of mine)

Spiritual Jackpot

Sitting at the Central Library right now, finishing writing assignments and ditching out of the 'job' I just got.  Eeking out an existence by writing to me is better than making money selling vacuum cleaners.

Instead, I got my morning vices of coffee and cigarettes– real cigarettes for the time being, since I found two packs at Elijah's grandparents' house and can't afford the e cigs– and headed here to continue to pursue  my dreams.  My other vice is alcohol, of course, although I've been able to drink again since Tuesday and have had only one beer due to being so broke.  I plan to hit the bottle, no question.  I found half-gallons at the grandparents' as well, though perhaps E is wise to abscond them from me, considering.

I told him today, "I would rather live in a trailer the rest of my life and be recognized by people as a writer than work my life away selling vacuum cleaners just to live in a fancy condo."  True.

(Though the way I encode everyone in this blog, you'd never guess I had a quest for recognition.)

So I turned down an opportunity to make money at a mainstream job that to many would be considered a good day's work for salaried pay.  I'd rather be a starving artist.  This is who I am.  I was meant for this life.  I'm the quiet person at the library or your local coffee shop who writes for a living and sits for hours lost in thought.

E promised today to unconditionally support me in my quest.  This officially makes him everything I've been looking for and didn't yet know it.  I hope someday I can give him everything in return.

One thing that he's decided he wants that I can help him with is to reach out to people with his incredible spirit.  I just texted him this:

I completely support you has a spiritual/sexual healer.  You are amazing and have a unique gift to give.  I didn't realize until now how much you've already healed me.  I will love you forever for it.

This is one of those things that I didn't recognize until I wrote it out just then.  It's getting to be a spring day and I feel good.  I needed to change my mindset from wanting him to quest for wealth and truly seeing the greater path that he is on.  I can and will be there for him in this.  But it is his, he is the healer. I am the artist.

Mmmm, I need whiskey...

Making the conscious decision to not sell vacuum cleaners this morning put my mind into a completely different place.  A higher place.

I miss Uriah.  E also told me that, despite the 'closed container', he is completely at ease with my continuing to see U and that he (E) need not be present for that.  Uriah is grandfathered in, you might say.  I'm so glad to hear that.  I love Uriah also.  I suppose one could put labels like 'polyamory' on it, but in reality, this is just who I am and I sort of dislike the label.  My dream of a triad with two bisexual men is not out of the question, either.

This is the spiritual jackpot.  To hell with money, then.  To hell with anything and everything else that is a distraction.  The sun is shining through the third-floor library windows.  There is so much joy in life, just as there is so much pain.  Such thoughts are peaceful.

A year ago today, I reached a pivot point after breaking up with Ezekiel.  He is pivotal to the crossroads I'm in now in so many ways, too.  The subject of Ezekiel is a complex one.  Suffice it to say, he is in my heart always and we both still get joy from the connection we made and then tried masochistically to destroy.  We nearly needed to destroy it because we couldn't handle it and still travel a terrestrial course.  Perhaps he and I will meet again when he is further along in his spiritual path, but I doubt it.  Certainly that path was put on hold for his PhD and prolly forever.  It took a while but I'm happy my spirit was too great and vibrant to be sucked dry by Immunology and by Vermont.  In connecting with Elijah, I'm reminded of the feeling Ezekiel, though, and it no longer makes me sad, only content.

The regulars are here in the Map Room with me.  Libraries are great for forming relationships with the other regulars in which words never need be exchanged.  I sometimes wonder what these people do here all day.  I get bits of their life stories.  This has been the case for me at every library I've ever frequented.

So much for my pretentious condo association.  I belong with the artists eeking it out in NoPo.  I fought it mentally to the point where I almost sold vacuum cleaners and nearly reached a point-of-no-return.  But I didn't go there, and I am so grateful that I don't have to.  I embrace life so much.

Thank you Portland, for making it all possible.

Differences a Week Makes

Last Tuesday (Valentine's Day):

• Awoke at Ashtoreth's house early, got dropped off downtown by Sole on her way home to Eugene.
• Worked at Starbuck's on the Square for a while.
• Moved the operation to Central Library after deciding with Hannah that Valentine's day was a bad day for a work session.
• Feeling: Free and grateful to be away from the toxic triad situation.  Hoped that surviving a non-chalant Valentine's day would be the last appearance I would ever need to put in.
• Took the bus home to get ready for Jezebel to pick me up.  My instructions were to "dress casual and wear red or black."  (Portlandians prolly know where this is headed...)
• Got picked up by J, who was dressed up nicely.
• Arrived at Elijah's house, where it smelled like sage and a string of heart-shaped lights were lining the stairwell, and candles lit.  Led into his room, where there was a heart-shaped box of chocolates and two flower pots with live roses, one for J and one for me.
• J then gives us cards and presents as well.

[THOUGHTS AT THE TIME: Oh, shit.  I totally dropped the ball on this.  Granted, I don't particularly care about Valentine's day and never have, but shit.  Also granted that I was glad to be out of this as of 20 minutes before, and broke as all fuck, and having zero expectations for this dumpster fire of a "relationship" if one could call it that, but... Shit.]

• The triad goes to dinner.  Ahijah joins us, wearing a suit.  So everyone is dressed nicely but me, although I at least made an effort and wasn't totally scrub.
• Elijah freaks out on me.  Decides he isn't going to the Blazer game.  I feel zero remorse and just want to have a reasonably fun night.
• Ahijah, J and I went to the Blazers game.  FUN!!!  I was wanting to go ever since Thom offered me a ticket and I had to turn it down bc of some 'commitment' to E that required me to drive with him back to Salem after just arriving back in Portland on the bus from Eugene.  

[Once again, I had been guilted into doing something that I didn't want to do and now it continues to bite me in the ass.  The time in question: I called E and asked if I could go to the Blazer game and not to Salem w him, since I wanted to see my friend Thom, who I rarely get to see anymore.  I had seen E every day, J was already going w him so he wouldn't be alone, and I didn't want to travel halfway back to where I was earlier. It didn't seem like my presence was necessary, in my eyes.  Of course he said No, and takes the fact that I even asked him to mean that I don't want honor my commitments.  As though my only commitments should ever be to him and no one else in my life matters.  I deign to believe truly that this is borne of insecurity rather than an attempt to control me, the way the guy I dated previously tried to do.]

• Despite the fun and sexy playfulness between the three of us at the game and after, Jezebel remained in contact w E throughout the game and even let it drag her down a bit.  It speaks volumes about where her heart is at.  
• We re-joined up with Elijah to go dancing in China town.  But we first stopped at Ahijah's house so he could change and E and I broke up officially.
• Dancing was awesome.  For whatever reason I had some sexual magnetism going on.  But more on that later.
• Ended up with E somehow sleeping at my house and Jezebel and Ahijah going home together.  Who knows why that went the way it did.  Alas.  More about that another time, too.

This week is a whole different ballgame:

• Awoke in my condo with Elijah.
• Did yoga with him before breakfast.
• He left for work and I didn't get caffeine fast enough and so passed out for another couple hours.
• Went to Starbucks down the block from my house to get a lot of work done!
• I'm starting a new day job tomorrow and need to get my writing jobs squared away while I still can.
• I took a piece of Adderall so I was cracking good on getting work done and didn't realize that I was sort of running away from talking to Jezebel unintentionally.  I hate the position I'm in but E & I have connected on so many levels since last week and are so in love.  

[After Elijah and I broke up, we re-evaluated the triad.  He came to realize that J was his ex-girlfriend that was still in love with him at all costs, and not a friend.  Or maybe it was me that just realized that, since they both seemed to know and even tell me that the whole time.  But their actions painted a different picture and that combined with my quest for a happy triad made me blind to the truth.  My view had been that they simply had 'love with problems' and I was added to the mix to bridge the gap and help them grow back together.  Apparently I was wrong. They are toxic to each other's happiness right now and it was toxic to me as well.  Crushing.]

• Came home just now to a peaceful scene: Elijah making dinner before we go to contact improv, Hannah and her children visiting with Zeruah, and me still holding a hot cup of coffee in my hand :)

Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.

Fluxating

I'm at Central Library now and I desperately needed to come here.  Since becoming involved in this triad, I have spend considerable time being schlepped around NoPo (mostly) and to some extent tagging along to everything that Elijah and Jezebel have going on.  This is a "me" place.  I love it here.  I even got a spot at my fave table. :)

As I explained this morning to Elijah: The fact that I can take my writing anywhere has been misconstrued by them both to mean that I can take it anywhere that's convenient for them.  I need to take more control of it than I have been.  Yesterday, although I did get to stay at my own place last night, I didn't get any work done, by virtue of not taking control of my own destiny.

Had a great conversation with Tamara yesterday though, and that was well worth it.

I missed out on some great sex possibilities last night and this morning.  I am sad about that.  I have a tendency to want to be "taken" by forceful coercion (dammit, Alvan was onto something when he outed me as a 'sub' at that one BGN!), and Elijah is not really like that.  It leaves me with the feeling that I need either: a.) for him to be more like that at least once in a while, b.) another man to be like that with me more often, or c.) a combination thereof.

I mean, I was kissing E and rubbing up on him last night and actually saying "I love you and I feel vulnerable", and nothing!  ARG.  I'm not going to jump to the "he doesn't love me" quite yet, although I am a bit hurt and frustrated.

SO much to say, but so little time to really write!  I have to get to the future plans soon because, frankly, I need to write it out in order to get advice and/or just get it straight in my mind.  Til then...

Uneasy

I received an anonymous letter from someone regarding my mom's fiancé, aka Abel, and I was quite freaked out about it earlier.  I don't know whether I will be able to calm down about it; I need more information to be sure.

I rode my bike from my house to Hannah's house today, and it was a 2-hour uphill through town in a de facto fixed-gear bike (Uriah's), aka the most difficult ride I have ever done.  I literally had to stop two times along the way, once for caffeine and once for water.

Along the way, I happened upon a big secret that I am on my way to investigate and write about for Occupy.  It upsets me; not quite as much as anonymous tips about the man my mom is living with, but a lot, on a different level.

Biking put a lot of things into perspective for me and I think I have more clarity.  Putting it into a semblance of action will be the next step, albeit a tough one to take.  I have to get past a lot of personal, emotional walls and a great sense of pride that I have.

Day 17 Sans Alcohol

Some things I have learned recently:

1.) The triad is making me a better communicator.

2.) I need to seize control of my own destiny.

3.) Not drinking feels great.

4.) I think Portland's polyamory explosion is a survival instinct due to the Recession.  No joke.  It's a liberal way to group together closely with other people, since children (and adults) with pooled love and resources within the Village have better chances of survival.

5.) Exercising feels great.  Something is snapping in my spirit a little and I am feeling more active and clear-headed.  It's a good combination of things, I think.

6.) I definitely need to get more work done or I am going to have money problems, and soon.  However, I did get approved for food stamps today and that is a huge help.

7.) Writing is my first real career, I realized the other day.  I was visiting my sister Sole and it gave me joy of sorts to say that I have a career.  Granted, at 29 it's a little late in the game... But not too late; I'm a late bloomer, but I haven't missed the boat.  PHEW.

LOL- Reminds me of my triad (we're more mainstream sexxxy looking though)

Day 12 Without Drinking

Ironically, I am in a bar right now.  I tend to find myself in bars, and around ppl that are drinking.  But it seems OK to me.  I am happy without it.  Only one or two times in the past 12 days have I really even wanted a drink.  It's saving me a lot of $$, too.

This bar is the one Jezebel works at, and she is working right now.  Elijah and Tamara are here, too.  We're going to First Thursday after this.

Just one month ago, I was here with Laddies and Heaters, my old friends from college.  I just met Jezebel the day before, when Elijah introduced me to her.  Now I have been here for hours, waiting for her to be done with work so that we can all check out First Thursday.

She seems stressed.  I can't take it on as my own anymore though, or I'll go nuts.  I am having a great day, and I am in a great place.  I need to remember to not let others' bad moods ruin it for me.

Nonetheless, I am feeling the need to leave and have for 2 months now been operating on the plan that I would leave for South America in the beginning of April.  I am not entirely sure whether I want to go specifically there, or whether that job specifically is panning out, but I have an itch to get gone.

I have hit Reset.

This seems quite the contradiction from my desire to build a community here/ live w Elijah in his late grandparents' house, but those options are not panning out.  And I am stuck in a bit of a rut, paying way too much money to live in SW Portland in a condo by the river when what I need is to lower my expenses and save to travel the way I always wanted to.

Right before my relationship with E & J began, I had some great talks with friends of Sole's who worked freelance outside of the US for several years.  It was inspirational, and led me to the realization that I need to get out of town, and THAT I CAN GET OUT!  That is the joy of freelance.

And the joy of still being single and living a more or less 'freelance life'.  Mid-march, I'm going to visit Solomon with Sole and Ashtoreth in San Diego.  Then my plan from there is to see where I can get to and who in the world I can come visit and who will go with me.

The 'who will go with me' is where it gets dicey.  I want Elijah to go with me a lot, but I know inside he won't.  He and Jezebel are alike that way, in that they will never leave Portland/Oregon, even to come back.  And they are scared to.  And... They are scared to leave each other.  I would bet a lot of money that I don't have that, despite everything that they say about not being right for each other, they will still be together when I get back.  That's all there is to it.

I wish I could get money for seeing so clearly what they miss about our triad:  It is they that are in the 'real' (Primary, if you will) relationship here.  I am the 'little wife'/'secondary'/ whatever.  And not just because she is the ex that is butting in, but he wants her in the relationship as well as I do.  I just constantly have to say to both of them that it is a triad and that I don't want to date either one separately.

Although I notice that E consistently cock blocks J and I spending alone time together.

Anyway, I have decided to quietly go about making my own plans and not take any of this too seriously,  no matter how 'in love' I feel with them.  I just don't feel like throwing down my opportunity to travel and experience things, and I guess I'm not worried that any opportunities I have going on now will be completely gone by the time I return to Portland.

Which I know now, I will always do.

Day 11

Gist of my day: Awoke early (8ish) at my house with Jezebel and Elijah, got up for a minute, snuggled back in.  Woke up again ca 11:30 a.m. and had hot 3 way.  Cleaned my room for a few hours and had a discussion with J and E.  Jezebel left for an appointment, more sex.  Step-dad Abel comes over, we talk for several hours while smoking up some herbs.  He gives us great advice and discusses a lot of interesting issues with us, about poly and about my dad and growing up with a polyamorous cultish-type upbringing.  We also talked extensively about Scientology, Mentation, and the works of Robert A. Heinlein.  At my behest, Elijah is reading Stranger in a Strange Land over the past few days.  (Originally I was reading it aloud to him but he finally got into it and started reading on his own, which makes me so happy on many levels.)  Talking with Abel was a very good experience and a necessary conversation to have, considering the apprehension that I've had about Abel since I moved back in late July.  There is a lot to learn from he and my mom.  They have lived a lot of life.  Plus it really strengthened the mutual understanding between Elijah and I, especially since we were in a fight yesterday over the 'Uriah Issue'.

Ahh, Portland.

Anyway, after that the cleaning continued.  Jezebel came back to get us, my clothes got folded, hung up, and put away (FINALLY), and we got our stuff together to drive from my place in SW (near downtown) to Elijah's place in North Portland (NoPo as it is known, though I call it the Wilderness cuz it's far North).  Jezebel was meeting Ahijah for a Zumba/dancing date and was agitated about being a little late for it.

There seemed to be some tension about E and I getting a ride but I also think there was also some tension on the heels of a long, long conversation the three of us had the night before.  Basically we were hashing out our real feelings about the triad and what our motivations were in it and etc etc.  I don't wish to get into that now because it's such a long, agitating story.

BUT, an interesting thing that I had to admit to everyone during this drawn-out discussion was that I have feelings for Ahijah.  Just a crush, really, but a genuine one.  The magic of the 3-sum we had is undeniable, though.  I had to, at the time, come clean about it because it's weird and I don't think he likes me that way.  Elijah pretty much jumped up and wanted to leave because someone else might've broken open feelings in me.  During a sexual experience he was part of, I may add, and therefore the feelings that were broken open during that were open to him as well.  Consider that that day was the first day that I ever believed Elijah when he said, "I love you" to me, and the first day that I said it back.

Now E and I are here at his house and missing dance and J and A are out together.  E and I are having a quiet night and it is necessary considering all of the extensive drama that has come about.