Definitions are tough

Well... Met up with Halah. We got to plan out what we were going to do as far as activism on certain causes. Apparently I have signed myself up for a lot of press releases and interviews, for free! But, for causes I am quite passionate about.

And, um, lots of awesome sex. And brunch. Which he says, according to White Person Law, makes us "in a relationship". He finally saw where I live, which never happened before! And I got to have sex in my new place for the first time. DID NOT see that coming.

It really goes to show that putting those definitions in the sidebar of who everyone is is actually a very plastic association. Basically I change them all the time. Maybe I should come up with some other way to define people, but it would make less sense in terms of the story.

Halah hands down wins over Elijah, I've decided. In every way except the sex. Halah is even a character in my novel. I specifically wrote him in because I was inspired by him.

It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]

How true

Polyamory large (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On OkCupid there was a "Polyamory test"... I think it was directed to newbies. Anyway, one of the questions was along the lines of:

What is the purpose of polyamory?

One of the answers:

So that co-dependent or mistreated/abused people can fulfill the desperate need to be loved by anyone and everyone.

LOL! How close to the truth. Every time I get into a poly scene with someone(s), I end up thinking, "These people are so damaged." And/or, "That person has some fucking ISH," and/or, "This is so hot yet so unhealthy."

The exception being Uriah. He's a super emotional Cancer that never wants to let his lovers be away from him. *Swoon*

For me, I described it years ago (about Spawnsong/Amariah) that once I fall over the threshold of being in love with one person, my heart is full of love that spills onto others.

But I don't think I want to act on that anymore. It feels a little bitter and defeatist to say that, though. I believe in poly! I think Halah even jealously texted me once, "Enjoy your polyamory." The pure number of fucked up individuals in Portland trying to be "poly" is honestly turning me away from the whole idea, at least as an initial premise. Alas.

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• 5 Myths About Polyamory Debunked

OMFG

So drunk last night. I would say, No more drinking and posting, but honestly, the alternative is texting/ emailing Ruth a ridiculous bleeding-heart letter that I would immediately regret and then have to avoid chasing with a bunch of, "Actually fuck you, you backstabbing whore!" letters in the sober light of day.

Instead, I wrote it all out and posted it into the void of this blog. Dignity preserved!

Ok, so mostly preserved. I did text Spawnsong something whimsical and romantic about our 'spiritual liaison'. Ugh. I can't even bring myself to read what I wrote. I hadn't seen him in years, since he visited me in Burlington for Valentine's Day weekend, and then last September I visited him in San Francisco on my road trip back from SD. His girlfriend was jealous and they got in a super fight about something unrelated that was annoying and dramatic as all hell. But, I did make out with him and I was looking super hot, and he told me in a romantic-esque way that I was "the sexiest thing he ever saw." Prior to that evening in the Mission, I had actually thought of my entire dignity in that situation being lost on a particular fall weekend in Montreal. So, the fun yet strange-ending evening in SF pretty much had vindicated me, but last night's drunken mess of stupidity dug me back in slightly.

However, he's not physically here in the City of Roses and I don't have to see him again in this life (although I have some inkling that I will, because I'm an idiot). Texting/ emailing someone across town who's in the periphery of your friend group and who you'll be seeing at a party this weekend is a whole different story entirely.

So yeay blog, it's not entirely a waste of time/self-stroking after all.

Cerebral Realizm

My name is Raine. I live in my head.

I realized, most horribly, that my ranting in this blog is most certainly due to my frustration with work that I vent in other ways. As though I displace a lot of my own stress and anxiety or fear onto other people.

I mean, hell, I dislike babies because I think they're fucking with me. And I gotta say, I just can't convince myself that they're not manipulative little troublemakers. People don't give babies enough credit. They know what's up.

*Sigh*. It's exhausting living in my head all the time. I focus more on personalities and drama and story lines and ideas and inspiration than I do on being fully aware of my surroundings.

I gather this might be why when I connect with the very occasional someone on a cerebral and sexual level I remain wholly oblivious to important other factors until far after everyone else would have seen them coming. *Face palm*

Revelations Left and Right

No one I ever date or am friends with should ever ever read this blog until they know me really, really well.

I sound really un-compassionate, although that's not at all the case IRL... It's more that this blog serves as a sounding board for all the angst I have inside.

I'm not really sure how I got such a "life is hard, buck the fuck up" attitude. I think because my life has been difficult and dark at times.

But I like this about myself. It pervades my sense of beauty and creativity. I stuff all my feelings about people and about things I see that strike me as sad and unjust, and blow them off in ire through writing. Life is hard, I know that. I don't think anyone should be shielded or covered from that. Either you'd be devastatingly shattered to learn the truth, or you'd live in a bubble your whole life and never really understand how the world is– the latter of which I consider far worse.

The revelations for me are nearly free-flowing at this point. When it rains it pours! Why I'm so switched on:

Resolving my Personal Conflix

Today is a beautiful day out the window of my downtown apartment. This weekend was incredibly lovely as well, with Ladies Weekend kicking ass and a great St. Patty's Day followed by a slasher movie with Thom. Ishbar is a good influence, for sure. She's very calm and collected and focused. Jerusha is a great too. And really, all of my other lovely friends.

For anyone who follows this (IDK if anyone does, although someone is reading at least, as discerned from the occasional snarky comment), I changed Ruth's name back to Ruth. She didn't like the name I originally picked for her, and after last week's little upset, I thought, "She totally doesn't merit the name Ruth." However, I realized thanks to Ishbar and reading aloud to her while we were riding home from the book she got this weekend:

Dad Used to Say

"Don't mock the afflicted."

I think that means, Stay fucking classy, Raine. Quit ranting about people in your blog. Even if it is really really funny.

Don't ever look back.They might be gaining on you

I'm about to leave for Girls weekend.

Last night, I was dancing with my friends at a friend's DJ set in a smallish dive bar on the East side after the anti-fluoridation rally. We got to the show last night and said "Cheers" after we took turns bitching and made eye contact and laughed away our problems. Then, dancing and merriment with many of my dearest loving friends: Jerusha, Jezebel, Ahijah, Thom, Sole, Ishbar, Haman, Barakel, and a host of others un-named for the purposes of the story of this blog.

From my Livejournal, September 28, 2001

I filled out this survey like 11.5 years ago, and it explains so much!

Thom would be proud of my choosing Phish in my bands.

♥♥Self Love♥♥

<zOMG I have writer's block so bad>

Gossip About Everyone That's On My Mind Right Now

Under the cut, so it doesn't take up so much space.

Starving Artist, West Side

It's been a couple weeks.

I've been gone for work.

Then, I disappeared into the world of Ruth for a while.

I like that world.

But, I have my own apartment now. Finally! For the first time in many years. I'm on the lease and everything. It's a huge FUCK YOU to everyone who hated on me while I was down. Because, let's face it, the place is fucking sweet as hell.