Definitions are tough

Well... Met up with Halah. We got to plan out what we were going to do as far as activism on certain causes. Apparently I have signed myself up for a lot of press releases and interviews, for free! But, for causes I am quite passionate about.

And, um, lots of awesome sex. And brunch. Which he says, according to White Person Law, makes us "in a relationship". He finally saw where I live, which never happened before! And I got to have sex in my new place for the first time. DID NOT see that coming.

It really goes to show that putting those definitions in the sidebar of who everyone is is actually a very plastic association. Basically I change them all the time. Maybe I should come up with some other way to define people, but it would make less sense in terms of the story.

Halah hands down wins over Elijah, I've decided. In every way except the sex. Halah is even a character in my novel. I specifically wrote him in because I was inspired by him.

It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]

The Cycle of Addiction

Just when you think someone’s gone from your life forever, BAM! Things change and you find yourself back in a situation.

The situation’s name here is Josiah. I texted him at random yesterday while sitting in a PSU coffee shop, and he actually wrote back and was apologetic. He said he was in court. He has to take courses to avoid felony drug possession charges.

I was ruthlessly horny yesterday, by the way. I get in these modes where nearly anyone who isn't fat will do, all the better if it’s someone I know who has good skills or at least I suspect does. So basically yesterday I was texting nearly everyone that was on the roster of “potential”, which led me to Josiah. 

I texted him just to say I was disappointed in him. The text definitely wasn’t about “Come fuck me.” But, long story short, that’s kind of what happened. He met up with me after court and then we went home and fucked like mad. Twice. I told him, “I can’t believe I fucked you after you were such an asshole!”

Musings of an Insomniac

I'm turning into a fat fuck.

I tell people I'm married to my job. Which is going very well.

I just closed my OkCupid account. I'm not sure where I thought it would get me.

I opened it to meet other people so that I wouldn't be stuck with Halah because I was never very into him. He would be crushed hearing that, but inside he knows, which is what made him go so crazy. I never should have let him talk me into another second with him. He was a whiny bitch from the get-go and it should have ended there. The fact that Jerusha and her friend got to be so anti-Halah because of his piss fetish probably pushed me toward him, since I defend people at all times against those who aren't acting Sex-Positive.

I didn't even pee on him. Not because I'm grossed out– hell, I peed all over a guy's face who was so into it– but really that about Halah, I didn't even care. As Uriah said, I was bored with that. He was all wrong, I don't know why I do that to myself.

Anyway. My most recent encounter from OkCupid was this guy with an incredible face who was only 26, but slightly chubby and headed in the wrong weight direction. Man boobs, for the love of God. He was really needy in a dom sort of way, saying things like, "You already don't want me do go, huh slut?" and "Tell me you need me you little whore". I ended up fucking him 3 marathon-length times that evening (unprotected... we talked about it first though), even with my jaw throbbing from some dental work. When I saw him in the morning light, sober, it was like, "Oh, that's what you look like." He choked me (hot), called me names (neutral), held me down and bit/slapped me & ordered me to fight back (hot), made me call Jerusha in the middle and tell her I was getting railed (uncool), and in general I rode is big cock for hours and cummed a few times (very hot). Overall, a great night.

He keeps texting me, but I'm not attached to seeing him again before he heads back to whatever foreign country he works in. Part of it was that I could tell he was not sex-positive and not bi and underneath the facade I think he wanted hooking up with me to mean something so that it wouldn't just be a casual encounter. Eh.

Sleep now.

Slut Injustice

I long in many ways to use my true identity, and the identities of those who are written about in this blog.

I long to reclaim my identity as a "slut".

Why does this have to be a bad thing? I've had sex with quite a few people now, and I don't regret any of them. A couple of them I regretted at the time but grew from it, many I enjoyed, a couple I loved dearly, a handful said they (true or not) loved me, all of them I remember. I don't understand why enjoying sex with more than a couple of people, of both genders, has to be looked upon as such a bad thing by society. Why I have to hide it all from the general public in fear for my reputation with my career and my straight-laced friends, and why my mom is concerned about my never finding The One.

I hope one day that our little Sex Positive movement, toward sexual openness and true polyamory, will someday become worthwhile, and that the world will be a better, less discriminatory place for it.

I hope that the contents of this journal, which are all true accounts of my life's events, will one day be seen not as shocking or strange or wrong or immoral, but simply the accounts of what it was like to be a woman at the turn of the millennium, at the forefront of a movement toward higher consciousness and a more peaceful world.

Besides what I would consider the word "Slut" in a negative connotation at the forefront of many people's minds, I've encountered more than a couple of obstacles to a true sex-positive society.  Namely:

Raine Tales

I awoke at around 8:30 am this morning, next to a gorgeous 20 year old. I shall call him Josiah. I had a terrible headache and rued taking that last tequila shot at the bar last night after Thom left*. But I pounded some water and a painkiller and went back to sleep.

(*Yes, homie was at the bar with us. I won't divulge which bar it was, but AMEN. He's got like 7 more months before he's 21 and I hella would never wait that long to be able to go out with him.)

A filling popped out 2 nights ago and I haven't been able to get a dentist appointment. Hence the painkillers. They make me a little sick and spacey feeling. But the hangover was sure gone and so was the horrible pain in my mouth.

Josiah and I had sex two more times and snuggled a lot before I had to get on a conference call for work. He's so hot and so bi. He fucked me unprotected and cummed up in me. That hasn't happened for so long. He smells so good. He feels so amazing and so warm. I already miss him. He said to me, "I think you're great." He has a boyfriend he wants me to meet. He's nice and easygoing and fun. He's tall and lanky and has a sweet face and red hair, and he's kind of androgynous. SO sexy!

I pounded some diet pills to awaken and made it to my conference call. I thought I would feel sick and loopy but I was fine. Been working all day and can't get Josiah off my mind. He was showing me his boyfriend through Facebook and nearly saw this blog ;) Glad he didn't. I don't mind if he does read it one day, but I don't think we need to delve into it quite yet. Recent entries are all about the exes, anyway. Kind of a buzzkill for NRE.

Daydreaming! Going to go masturbate about him for a minute then get packing for my trip tomorrow!

It's Raining Men

With the blip of a New Year reconnect a distant memory already, and new guys coming by the crib nearly every day (just to hang out/cuddle, only once was sex actually had to any extent), it's time to face the facts here: I'm single.

Don't Fence Me In...

Last night at the Naked Bike Ride, it degenerated into a naked, outdoor make-out orgy on the streets of Portland.  More of what you would expect from the Raine you've become so fond of, right?

I almost wanted to downgrade the journal from NC-17 to R because of the lack of sex.  It's been literally over a month, if you don't count the sexy bi 21 year old from a week and a half ago.  But that was (to me) a one-night thing, so I don't actually count it.  He's been on my grill, though, which is a little annoying.  On the other hand... Maybe I could throw another bi male into the mix with him, as it has been a lil while since I have been properly double teamed.

I have a list of guys/gals in my paper journal that I'm 'talking to'.  True Single Raine style.  Even relationship Raine, really.  Still haven't met the person that can get over that and be really and truly poly w me.  Major news to me: It isn't Isaiah.  And no, I still don't have a clue WTF is up with that.

Blerg

Spoke too soon about doing completely well.  I have a headache that feels like my brain is beating up against my skull, and I still have a lot more writing to do for work, including an article about the stock market and the potential for long-term holding of biotech futures.  Blerg.  The lit was right, though, since instead of caffeine, all I want to do is reach for something sugary or carb-rich for a little pick-me-up.  Bad mistake.  Also I am super tired, and already took a nap/ long sex break in the middle of the day.

Some people would mock the fact that I'm at home all day working while my boyfriend plays video games and watches TV/browses the internet while intermittently running errands or doing work, talking to me about stuff whenever, and taking breaks to pontificate with me or discussing plans or issues or making food and of course lots of sex.  Heck, that's what he's doing next to me right now (the video games and TV part).  Nonetheless, I stay up as long as it takes to get my work done and have struggled through a lot of shitty work setbacks on top of low-paying writing jobs just to get by sometimes.  So if I am OK with accepting this and working my ass off on being a writer because it's what I want to do and at the same time I might as well reap the rewards of getting to fuck the caffeine detox pain away. ;-)

Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.

Fluxating

I'm at Central Library now and I desperately needed to come here.  Since becoming involved in this triad, I have spend considerable time being schlepped around NoPo (mostly) and to some extent tagging along to everything that Elijah and Jezebel have going on.  This is a "me" place.  I love it here.  I even got a spot at my fave table. :)

As I explained this morning to Elijah: The fact that I can take my writing anywhere has been misconstrued by them both to mean that I can take it anywhere that's convenient for them.  I need to take more control of it than I have been.  Yesterday, although I did get to stay at my own place last night, I didn't get any work done, by virtue of not taking control of my own destiny.

Had a great conversation with Tamara yesterday though, and that was well worth it.

I missed out on some great sex possibilities last night and this morning.  I am sad about that.  I have a tendency to want to be "taken" by forceful coercion (dammit, Alvan was onto something when he outed me as a 'sub' at that one BGN!), and Elijah is not really like that.  It leaves me with the feeling that I need either: a.) for him to be more like that at least once in a while, b.) another man to be like that with me more often, or c.) a combination thereof.

I mean, I was kissing E and rubbing up on him last night and actually saying "I love you and I feel vulnerable", and nothing!  ARG.  I'm not going to jump to the "he doesn't love me" quite yet, although I am a bit hurt and frustrated.

SO much to say, but so little time to really write!  I have to get to the future plans soon because, frankly, I need to write it out in order to get advice and/or just get it straight in my mind.  Til then...

Day 12 Without Drinking

Ironically, I am in a bar right now.  I tend to find myself in bars, and around ppl that are drinking.  But it seems OK to me.  I am happy without it.  Only one or two times in the past 12 days have I really even wanted a drink.  It's saving me a lot of $$, too.

This bar is the one Jezebel works at, and she is working right now.  Elijah and Tamara are here, too.  We're going to First Thursday after this.

Just one month ago, I was here with Laddies and Heaters, my old friends from college.  I just met Jezebel the day before, when Elijah introduced me to her.  Now I have been here for hours, waiting for her to be done with work so that we can all check out First Thursday.

She seems stressed.  I can't take it on as my own anymore though, or I'll go nuts.  I am having a great day, and I am in a great place.  I need to remember to not let others' bad moods ruin it for me.

Nonetheless, I am feeling the need to leave and have for 2 months now been operating on the plan that I would leave for South America in the beginning of April.  I am not entirely sure whether I want to go specifically there, or whether that job specifically is panning out, but I have an itch to get gone.

I have hit Reset.

This seems quite the contradiction from my desire to build a community here/ live w Elijah in his late grandparents' house, but those options are not panning out.  And I am stuck in a bit of a rut, paying way too much money to live in SW Portland in a condo by the river when what I need is to lower my expenses and save to travel the way I always wanted to.

Right before my relationship with E & J began, I had some great talks with friends of Sole's who worked freelance outside of the US for several years.  It was inspirational, and led me to the realization that I need to get out of town, and THAT I CAN GET OUT!  That is the joy of freelance.

And the joy of still being single and living a more or less 'freelance life'.  Mid-march, I'm going to visit Solomon with Sole and Ashtoreth in San Diego.  Then my plan from there is to see where I can get to and who in the world I can come visit and who will go with me.

The 'who will go with me' is where it gets dicey.  I want Elijah to go with me a lot, but I know inside he won't.  He and Jezebel are alike that way, in that they will never leave Portland/Oregon, even to come back.  And they are scared to.  And... They are scared to leave each other.  I would bet a lot of money that I don't have that, despite everything that they say about not being right for each other, they will still be together when I get back.  That's all there is to it.

I wish I could get money for seeing so clearly what they miss about our triad:  It is they that are in the 'real' (Primary, if you will) relationship here.  I am the 'little wife'/'secondary'/ whatever.  And not just because she is the ex that is butting in, but he wants her in the relationship as well as I do.  I just constantly have to say to both of them that it is a triad and that I don't want to date either one separately.

Although I notice that E consistently cock blocks J and I spending alone time together.

Anyway, I have decided to quietly go about making my own plans and not take any of this too seriously,  no matter how 'in love' I feel with them.  I just don't feel like throwing down my opportunity to travel and experience things, and I guess I'm not worried that any opportunities I have going on now will be completely gone by the time I return to Portland.

Which I know now, I will always do.

Sunny Tuesday

The sun is streaming through the window and it is 50ºF; a stark contrast to the snowy 30º it is in Burlington right now.  I am still traumatized by that place.  It will probably take years to reconcile the carnage that moving to Burlington, Vermont did to my life.  Coming to Portland again is my way of re-setting; 'drying out', if you will.  Who knows where I will go next?  But this is what I need right now until the next step makes itself clear to me.

Speaking of drying out: This is Day 10 of not drinking, and for some reason, despite it being 12:45p.m. on the last Tuesday in January, I am starting to feel it.  Just a lil bit, in that my nerves are hurting.  Then again, it may be the 'medicine'.  I don't usually smoke, though since I've been in Oregon again, MJ has been pretty near thrown at me.  I consider detoxing from alcohol to be a condition alleviated by such medicine.

I awoke at Uriah's house and had hot, hot sex with him a couple of times and then hit some herb and put on the Happy Glasses and rode my bike here to SE Grind.  My phone is dead and I have "Somebody That I Used to Know" in repeat.  Finished an article or two for some cash and going to bike home before having to return here by bike for Occupier stuff, then hopefully be picked up for Dub Step Tuesday.  I'm in love with Portland today.

Yesterday I woke up at Elijah's house with him and Ahijah.  We had the absolute hottest 3-way ever, all afternoon.  Thinking about it now makes me feel so in love with both of them.  Talking about it even on this blog makes me a bit bashful.  I feel so blessed.  I'm in love with Jezebel, and with Uriah too.  Polyamory at it's finest right now.  It opens you to loving everything and everyone and life.  It's a feeling I can't shake off, and don't want to.  Ironically, it took me being alone all day in a coffee shop to let the reality of all this love sink into me.  I don't even know if I can face Jezebel and Elijah tonight without wanting to just spend the entire evening making love with them and letting the emotions consume my entire soul and life.

Elijah, Jezebel, Uriah, Ahijah and I are all native Portlandians, BTW.  I'm pretty sure that's how this all happened.

Elijah & I spent some time with his mom and her bf yesterday, too, and that was a great experience.  They are good people.  E & I spent about an hour going through his Star Trek action figures and talking about ST and being complete dorks.  It's sort of miraculous how all of this is culminated and took off so perfectly and synergistically.

I want to sing praises for Portland from the rooftops, for being my home and being the place I can come back to so as to regain my spirit and continue on the adventure up through my life vortex.  I thought Vermont took everything from me, but it didn't: It only stripped away a false start.  Everything that I am and that I have is here, with me, and always will be.

There is something so great about being alive right now.  An awakened feeling that I thought was dead for a while.  Something in me that grew by leaps and bounds yesterday.

Board Game Night

Welcome to the blog of my crazy life.

I used to have a Livejournal, but, let's face it, you can't monetize LJ and no one ever read that shit because it was all privatized.  I'm at a point of renewal for myself now, anyway, so it's all appropriate.  I'm a weird native Portlandian and have come to accept that about myself.  I'm thinking my native weirdness must be useful in some way... And my life is way too interesting right now to not write about, or so I feel and you can let me know if you agree.  Everyone has a pseudonym here, BTW.  Including me, though some of you might recognize me.  If you do, don't ever give it away.

Without further ado, though, tonight is Thursday and yet another Board Game Night.  Which, in my world, means some serious drinking and sexual debauchery.  I know, I know, it's def like a WTF moment writing that, even for me.  Worse, I kind of want to go home on this rainy night and not have to trek to Northeast Portland (what I call "the Wilderness").  Instead I just work on my stories and articles some more and not have to go to Board Game Night (BGN) tonight, even though there is a 21-year-old hottie with dreds that lives there and wants to get w me.

Let me explain about BGN in my Portland: It always involves drinking, and much of the time involves drugs and/or dubstep, and lately has been degenerating into kinky sex.  I mean, I feel a level of ennui at wanting to go home right now even when I know all of this is on the bloc tonight.  Hell, I am writing this journal entry while getting overpoured drinks at the bar while my gf is working behind the counter.

Board game night like 2 wks ago was her idea; her as in my gf, we'll call Jezebel, who is bartendering so sexily behind this very counter.  Unfortunately it was a beautiful rainy day and the night is clear, and the feeling in the air is only what that kind of day can give you.  Which is why I love the rain, damn it all.  But that plus basketball means that there are a fuck-ton of mofos in this bar and they're all hitting on her, haha.  So 2 weeks ago her and I and our third, our boyfriend I shall call Elijah, are arguing over some agenda of the night and who was going where and she convinces us her friend Alvan is having a shitty day and wants company, and anyway she has to deliver him his backpack.  Elijah and I go along with it.

Oh, big component to the story and to all these stories: I do not have a car.  It's a sore fucking subject.

Upon entering Alvan's house, he has board games (Elijah is hooked), and a barrel of whiskey (Jezebel and I are hooked).  We decide to stay and play.  BGN has begun.  Mid-way through, we're drunk and Alvan's roommate comes out of his room followed shortly by Alvan's fb, and several tense minutes of greeting and us knowing what was going on and Alvan being quitely miffed go down.

Yadda, we four end up losing Pandemic and playing strip poker upstairs.  Yadda, Alvan is a dom and learning rope-tying, we all get tied for practice and it's fun.  Until he apparently sniffs out that I'm a "sub".  Who knew?  My motto for the new year was to be GGG, though, so I went along with it when he decided to tie me up again– much more tightly– and whip me for like 2 hours while Jezebel and Elijah are mildly upset.  The 3 of us hadn't even had sex yet at that point, so it was doubly weird for them.  I guess.  I kind of don't care.  Try anything once, right?

To gloss over a lot of hot sexy details for the sake of time, the next BGN at Alvan's ended up with the 3 of us plus Uriah, my bf of like 6 months that I wanted to enter the relationship, going back to Uriah's house and watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch before it progressed into the full-on orgy.  So in my ideal world we have a quad, but I am I think way more actually poly than Elijah or Jezebel, although Uriah, who may just be my love after all, is so fucking down that he actually gained several heart notches.  He is so great!  Maybe my Primary, if I may secretly say so, and don't tell him that though.  And I don't believe in Primaries really, I think a poly-fidelitous relationship should be a flat organization.

The BGN a couple nights ago ended with my perpetually sleep-deprived self trying to sleep after a fuck ton of booze.  I actually did doze off for a bit, but was awakened by Elijah and Jezebel furiously rocking the bed while she was getting railed, and Tamara in the other room audibly phone-sexing with someone. Naturally I got sucked in.  That is a hottttt X-rated story, for later though.  Basically it was a 3-way, he totally convinced me to fuck them though and that lasted until like 5am.

Tonight's BGN promises to be a shit show, or, as my friend from San Diego once put it, a complete dumpster fire.  If all went well, this sexxy young dredded beautiful boy will be there, plus Elijah who is getting weird and jealous, Uriah potentially, Jezebel potentially, and Elijah's confused/ mono other gf that I've never met.  Believe me, that will more likely end in screaming and fractioning off rather than the orgy that me, Elijah, and the 21 y/o prolly all want out of it.  Jezebel would participate as far as I can forsee, and Uriah wouldn't do anything toward making it happen but would be stoked about it, but the other gf, unless she has an attack of coolness, will not be down with it at all and make things all strange.  I know I know, it seems like just board games but everyone has their own agenda here.  Board games have such a family-friendly connotation, too.

UPDATE: Shit hit the fan and we didn't even make it to BGN.  All that stress for naught.