The Cycle of Addiction

Just when you think someone’s gone from your life forever, BAM! Things change and you find yourself back in a situation.

The situation’s name here is Josiah. I texted him at random yesterday while sitting in a PSU coffee shop, and he actually wrote back and was apologetic. He said he was in court. He has to take courses to avoid felony drug possession charges.

I was ruthlessly horny yesterday, by the way. I get in these modes where nearly anyone who isn't fat will do, all the better if it’s someone I know who has good skills or at least I suspect does. So basically yesterday I was texting nearly everyone that was on the roster of “potential”, which led me to Josiah. 

I texted him just to say I was disappointed in him. The text definitely wasn’t about “Come fuck me.” But, long story short, that’s kind of what happened. He met up with me after court and then we went home and fucked like mad. Twice. I told him, “I can’t believe I fucked you after you were such an asshole!”

Sad and anxious

Despite everything, I have decided I need to give up on Elijah.  Like what I think happened with Jezebel before me, he just gets into a mode where he is mad at me for no reason and everything is my fault.  I am too awesome and interesting of a person to be crippled by this treatment.  He tells me it is all because I hate myself that he acts this way toward me and actually believes that he is just living his life and I am ruining everything by not taking it.

Unfortunately for Elijah, I have gone through too much in my life.  I have fought for and lost many people who treated me better and who I loved a lot more than him, including Bojangles, Amariah, Ezekiel, Jett (may he rest in peace), and even Diva, my beautiful cat who ran away.  I lost my PhD, my MS, thousands of dollars, and most of my worldly possessions to Vermont, in addition to losing two lovers, my car, my apartment, my job, my beloved cat, and my dad (I know you're up there with Buddha, Datty) while there.  I feel like I have been devastated and born anew many times already.  I ponder many times how it is that I possibly find reasons to be happy on any given day, yet most of the time these days, I do.

I love myself.  Unfortunately for Elijah, I don't hate myself enough to want to be in this situation with him anymore.

I have goals in my life that I have finally made for myself.  I want to be a writer (check!) and I want to travel the world.  Making this transition to leave Portland is tough for me, but it is what I have always wanted.  I am sad about it but also happy at the same time.  Sad as in, I feel some level of pain at leaving Portland behind as of now.  Growing pains, you might call them.

It was comfortable to love Elijah and to be with him, until he made it so that it wasn't.  I am not the leaving kind and probably could have worked with him for a while if he weren't screaming at me to the point that I burst into tears.  He was being no sort of friend, either.  One of the things that alarmed me was his refusal to pick me up one night even though I promised him money for gas and he was doing nothing besides playing video games at home.  Yes, I had agreed to ride the bike, but that was before it got late on a Friday night.  He could have come over to hang out and have with Hannah and her husband and I, but he said he is bored hanging out with my friends because he can't have sex with any of them.

Details, though.  It confirms a lot of what I already knew about him from my own experience and from stories about his past.

When everything hit the fan with the triad, it was clear Jezebel complained about him all the time and those complaints were valid, but in reality just wanted to be with him anyway so I thought that it was more bitterness in the end more than anything else.  The triad was that she wanted Elijah, E wanted me, and I wanted her but she's not bi and/or just wanted him.  I see that now.  So of course it destructed for the three of us to have a relationship and it sort of still comes down to the three of us each still pining after the one that does not want us back.  Also, it is true about Elijah's abusiveness and I can't imagine why, since that is true, Jezebel has taken so much of it.  It isn't my life though, I have to remember that.  For my part, I thought it would be worth a shot to try being with Elijah without that strange triad  dynamic since he seems to love me so much.  I am sure that he does love me, but he doesn't know how to treat a lover, and I am quite sure that once I am gone he will be moved on and, as I always say, he will just have a new person with a new life story to memorize for a few months and then forget about when they go away.  He can get through a lot of people in his life that way, and I think that is the kind of poly that will make him happy.

Peace to him, then.  I guess I still believe in love, but it once again did not pan out.  I really do love Elijah, so that made it hard to leave.  After all this shit, I would have thought I would never love again.  I'm not even swearing off of it anymore.  Actually, I am embracing it.  There is a major part of me that is in love with life right now and feeling so free at being able to go forth in the world with my head up high and float among the continents and countries and beautiful cities old and new.

I have grown so much from knowing Elijah.  In an amazing way that I will never forget.  But at the same time, I am not responsible for his floundering life, and if every single person I know is telling me I can and SHOULD do better, that is a major red flag.  I hate that I could not make him want to be better and I hate that he can't see the potential that I saw in him.  I loved him for who he was and was not so quick to write him off as a "loser" as most people I know are.  At the same time, I can't take on his problems and I am not responsible for his life.  If he feels it's all my fault, I think the best thing I can do as a person who really loves him is to leave him in his mess of a life and let him continue to try and blame other people until he realizes it's too late or, Heaven forbid, he actually comes to take responsibility at some point.  Either way, it's hard for me, but I'll be long gone.

Just writing this little venting makes it all feel a bit better.  I am soothed by some tea at the old coffee shop on Woodstock that I used to sit at with my dad years ago.  Hannah and I used to go here, too.  I came here in 7th grade sometimes as a break from the public library.

People come to Portland seeking something and usually leave after to go back wherever it was they came from.  I am lucky that Portland is my beautiful home and I will always have this to come back to.  Already since I left eleven years ago, I have come back a few times and it has been great every time.

Someday I will be back for good.

Day 12 Without Drinking

Ironically, I am in a bar right now.  I tend to find myself in bars, and around ppl that are drinking.  But it seems OK to me.  I am happy without it.  Only one or two times in the past 12 days have I really even wanted a drink.  It's saving me a lot of $$, too.

This bar is the one Jezebel works at, and she is working right now.  Elijah and Tamara are here, too.  We're going to First Thursday after this.

Just one month ago, I was here with Laddies and Heaters, my old friends from college.  I just met Jezebel the day before, when Elijah introduced me to her.  Now I have been here for hours, waiting for her to be done with work so that we can all check out First Thursday.

She seems stressed.  I can't take it on as my own anymore though, or I'll go nuts.  I am having a great day, and I am in a great place.  I need to remember to not let others' bad moods ruin it for me.

Nonetheless, I am feeling the need to leave and have for 2 months now been operating on the plan that I would leave for South America in the beginning of April.  I am not entirely sure whether I want to go specifically there, or whether that job specifically is panning out, but I have an itch to get gone.

I have hit Reset.

This seems quite the contradiction from my desire to build a community here/ live w Elijah in his late grandparents' house, but those options are not panning out.  And I am stuck in a bit of a rut, paying way too much money to live in SW Portland in a condo by the river when what I need is to lower my expenses and save to travel the way I always wanted to.

Right before my relationship with E & J began, I had some great talks with friends of Sole's who worked freelance outside of the US for several years.  It was inspirational, and led me to the realization that I need to get out of town, and THAT I CAN GET OUT!  That is the joy of freelance.

And the joy of still being single and living a more or less 'freelance life'.  Mid-march, I'm going to visit Solomon with Sole and Ashtoreth in San Diego.  Then my plan from there is to see where I can get to and who in the world I can come visit and who will go with me.

The 'who will go with me' is where it gets dicey.  I want Elijah to go with me a lot, but I know inside he won't.  He and Jezebel are alike that way, in that they will never leave Portland/Oregon, even to come back.  And they are scared to.  And... They are scared to leave each other.  I would bet a lot of money that I don't have that, despite everything that they say about not being right for each other, they will still be together when I get back.  That's all there is to it.

I wish I could get money for seeing so clearly what they miss about our triad:  It is they that are in the 'real' (Primary, if you will) relationship here.  I am the 'little wife'/'secondary'/ whatever.  And not just because she is the ex that is butting in, but he wants her in the relationship as well as I do.  I just constantly have to say to both of them that it is a triad and that I don't want to date either one separately.

Although I notice that E consistently cock blocks J and I spending alone time together.

Anyway, I have decided to quietly go about making my own plans and not take any of this too seriously,  no matter how 'in love' I feel with them.  I just don't feel like throwing down my opportunity to travel and experience things, and I guess I'm not worried that any opportunities I have going on now will be completely gone by the time I return to Portland.

Which I know now, I will always do.

Board Game Night

Welcome to the blog of my crazy life.

I used to have a Livejournal, but, let's face it, you can't monetize LJ and no one ever read that shit because it was all privatized.  I'm at a point of renewal for myself now, anyway, so it's all appropriate.  I'm a weird native Portlandian and have come to accept that about myself.  I'm thinking my native weirdness must be useful in some way... And my life is way too interesting right now to not write about, or so I feel and you can let me know if you agree.  Everyone has a pseudonym here, BTW.  Including me, though some of you might recognize me.  If you do, don't ever give it away.

Without further ado, though, tonight is Thursday and yet another Board Game Night.  Which, in my world, means some serious drinking and sexual debauchery.  I know, I know, it's def like a WTF moment writing that, even for me.  Worse, I kind of want to go home on this rainy night and not have to trek to Northeast Portland (what I call "the Wilderness").  Instead I just work on my stories and articles some more and not have to go to Board Game Night (BGN) tonight, even though there is a 21-year-old hottie with dreds that lives there and wants to get w me.

Let me explain about BGN in my Portland: It always involves drinking, and much of the time involves drugs and/or dubstep, and lately has been degenerating into kinky sex.  I mean, I feel a level of ennui at wanting to go home right now even when I know all of this is on the bloc tonight.  Hell, I am writing this journal entry while getting overpoured drinks at the bar while my gf is working behind the counter.

Board game night like 2 wks ago was her idea; her as in my gf, we'll call Jezebel, who is bartendering so sexily behind this very counter.  Unfortunately it was a beautiful rainy day and the night is clear, and the feeling in the air is only what that kind of day can give you.  Which is why I love the rain, damn it all.  But that plus basketball means that there are a fuck-ton of mofos in this bar and they're all hitting on her, haha.  So 2 weeks ago her and I and our third, our boyfriend I shall call Elijah, are arguing over some agenda of the night and who was going where and she convinces us her friend Alvan is having a shitty day and wants company, and anyway she has to deliver him his backpack.  Elijah and I go along with it.

Oh, big component to the story and to all these stories: I do not have a car.  It's a sore fucking subject.

Upon entering Alvan's house, he has board games (Elijah is hooked), and a barrel of whiskey (Jezebel and I are hooked).  We decide to stay and play.  BGN has begun.  Mid-way through, we're drunk and Alvan's roommate comes out of his room followed shortly by Alvan's fb, and several tense minutes of greeting and us knowing what was going on and Alvan being quitely miffed go down.

Yadda, we four end up losing Pandemic and playing strip poker upstairs.  Yadda, Alvan is a dom and learning rope-tying, we all get tied for practice and it's fun.  Until he apparently sniffs out that I'm a "sub".  Who knew?  My motto for the new year was to be GGG, though, so I went along with it when he decided to tie me up again– much more tightly– and whip me for like 2 hours while Jezebel and Elijah are mildly upset.  The 3 of us hadn't even had sex yet at that point, so it was doubly weird for them.  I guess.  I kind of don't care.  Try anything once, right?

To gloss over a lot of hot sexy details for the sake of time, the next BGN at Alvan's ended up with the 3 of us plus Uriah, my bf of like 6 months that I wanted to enter the relationship, going back to Uriah's house and watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch before it progressed into the full-on orgy.  So in my ideal world we have a quad, but I am I think way more actually poly than Elijah or Jezebel, although Uriah, who may just be my love after all, is so fucking down that he actually gained several heart notches.  He is so great!  Maybe my Primary, if I may secretly say so, and don't tell him that though.  And I don't believe in Primaries really, I think a poly-fidelitous relationship should be a flat organization.

The BGN a couple nights ago ended with my perpetually sleep-deprived self trying to sleep after a fuck ton of booze.  I actually did doze off for a bit, but was awakened by Elijah and Jezebel furiously rocking the bed while she was getting railed, and Tamara in the other room audibly phone-sexing with someone. Naturally I got sucked in.  That is a hottttt X-rated story, for later though.  Basically it was a 3-way, he totally convinced me to fuck them though and that lasted until like 5am.

Tonight's BGN promises to be a shit show, or, as my friend from San Diego once put it, a complete dumpster fire.  If all went well, this sexxy young dredded beautiful boy will be there, plus Elijah who is getting weird and jealous, Uriah potentially, Jezebel potentially, and Elijah's confused/ mono other gf that I've never met.  Believe me, that will more likely end in screaming and fractioning off rather than the orgy that me, Elijah, and the 21 y/o prolly all want out of it.  Jezebel would participate as far as I can forsee, and Uriah wouldn't do anything toward making it happen but would be stoked about it, but the other gf, unless she has an attack of coolness, will not be down with it at all and make things all strange.  I know I know, it seems like just board games but everyone has their own agenda here.  Board games have such a family-friendly connotation, too.

UPDATE: Shit hit the fan and we didn't even make it to BGN.  All that stress for naught.