Enamoration

I'm in love, and my boyfriend just moved into my apartment from San Diego. The past few days have been difficult, lovely, sexy, and fabulous. 

I was on a bender before that. Up all night doing blow every night for 5 days straight. Including several while Solomon was here visiting in between moving to LA. 

Lots of negotiation, ego deflation, and feelings of emotional nakedness. Lots of feelings that I am completely and utterly vulnerable and overly defenseless, but at the same time, really building a life with someone for the first time ever. 

Is this the end of this blog then? Certainly not. So many back stories to share, and so many new things to explore in this strange thing called monogamy. I see people like Elijah and Halah as lonely and sad and constantly searching for approval while taking advantage of others. They will never be anywhere or have anything because they're self-centered and short-sighted.

I see Andrew as a real, true, solid man and someone I can truly build a life with.

Anxiety for nothing

I'm in San Diego (with Solomon) and I should be working more diligently on an assignment about economic growth in the UK that was due yesterday, but I'm having anxiety over Halah that is nearly uncontrollable. I guess I need to be writing my angst in my blog to avoid doing something stupid like attempting yet again to engage him in conversation and once again, just look stupid and not be successful.

I admire Halah a lot and am very in love with him. He told me, "You'll just have to love me from afar," and I think that's what makes it burn even more: He doesn't feel the same way about me back. And because I have this propensity to always want to try, I can't stop having little realizations and trying to make him see that things can work out, if only...

But, I have to believe him rather than constantly trying to find evidence to the contrary. He actually told me that I've been maintaining an illusion of what I think is possible rather than living in the moment. Also, verbatim, he wrote me this:

I love very deeply when it somebody I share an intellectual, emotional connection with. You're just not that person for me.

I dreamed last night of many things: Jett (who is dead) in his trashed third-story attic apartment in Corvallis. Elijah and a blond, curly-haird boy from dance visiting Jett and being disgusted with the state of the apartment as Jett baked vegan lasagna (I remember him eating that exactly once, and he freaked about how many carbs were in it). Rats with their fur skinned off foraging and being eaten alive by (something)– the struggle for existence is what I took it as. Then I was walking outside the house, which was suddenly on a dock at Macadam Bay Club, and the house was a houseboat. Then Heidi Klum and Sole and Halah were there on the dock and we jumped into the Willamette as dolphins came swimming by.

Definitions are tough

Well... Met up with Halah. We got to plan out what we were going to do as far as activism on certain causes. Apparently I have signed myself up for a lot of press releases and interviews, for free! But, for causes I am quite passionate about.

And, um, lots of awesome sex. And brunch. Which he says, according to White Person Law, makes us "in a relationship". He finally saw where I live, which never happened before! And I got to have sex in my new place for the first time. DID NOT see that coming.

It really goes to show that putting those definitions in the sidebar of who everyone is is actually a very plastic association. Basically I change them all the time. Maybe I should come up with some other way to define people, but it would make less sense in terms of the story.

Halah hands down wins over Elijah, I've decided. In every way except the sex. Halah is even a character in my novel. I specifically wrote him in because I was inspired by him.

It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]

How true

Polyamory large (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On OkCupid there was a "Polyamory test"... I think it was directed to newbies. Anyway, one of the questions was along the lines of:

What is the purpose of polyamory?

One of the answers:

So that co-dependent or mistreated/abused people can fulfill the desperate need to be loved by anyone and everyone.

LOL! How close to the truth. Every time I get into a poly scene with someone(s), I end up thinking, "These people are so damaged." And/or, "That person has some fucking ISH," and/or, "This is so hot yet so unhealthy."

The exception being Uriah. He's a super emotional Cancer that never wants to let his lovers be away from him. *Swoon*

For me, I described it years ago (about Spawnsong/Amariah) that once I fall over the threshold of being in love with one person, my heart is full of love that spills onto others.

But I don't think I want to act on that anymore. It feels a little bitter and defeatist to say that, though. I believe in poly! I think Halah even jealously texted me once, "Enjoy your polyamory." The pure number of fucked up individuals in Portland trying to be "poly" is honestly turning me away from the whole idea, at least as an initial premise. Alas.

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Don't ever look back.They might be gaining on you

I'm about to leave for Girls weekend.

Last night, I was dancing with my friends at a friend's DJ set in a smallish dive bar on the East side after the anti-fluoridation rally. We got to the show last night and said "Cheers" after we took turns bitching and made eye contact and laughed away our problems. Then, dancing and merriment with many of my dearest loving friends: Jerusha, Jezebel, Ahijah, Thom, Sole, Ishbar, Haman, Barakel, and a host of others un-named for the purposes of the story of this blog.

Gossip About Everyone That's On My Mind Right Now

Under the cut, so it doesn't take up so much space.

Fantasy

I re-enlisted my OkCupid, only so I could find this letter again. Then I locked my profile down so that straight people can't see it.

Two nights ago, I met the guy I wrote this to. He was all about it. He met Jezebel and Thom and Thom's roommates, and he hung in there. So, he has many many points over Halah. I'm going to give him a second chance. I think I would go well with him. He wins MAJOR points for loving the fact that I was an hour late meeting him. "I love when people are late," he says. "It shows creativity." *Swoon*. This on the heels of getting the third degree at work twice this week. Also, he MAJORLY has that over Halah. Blerg... What a horrendous mistake about Halah. He's such a short pretentious fuck.

I wrote this drunk from my iPhone to said hot date, and I want to edit it and improve it, but I'll just leave it as it was for the purposes of this blog:

I'm definitely intrigued by you. Maybe I do secretly want to marry you, it would look good to polite society and mostly for my career, to which I'm already really married anyway. I'm a writer, so I also have a career where I do what I want. I don't get paid yet to write about whatever I want, but one day I will. I'm just breaking in. I'll stay home all day writing and getting railed by the personal trainer, tip the maid, drink wine and maybe snort some uppers, and have dinner ready for you after you get done with practice. Sometimes you can be gone with your girlfriend and I'll paint and watch movies all night, maybe we'll host orgiastic parties with our fabulous friends. I'm smart, sexy, and incredibly personable, yet sweet and polite. You'll never find arm candy like me.

I have that fantasy.

Or maybe you're an alpha male who secretly wants a triad (mmf or mff, doesn't matter). Hopefully poly-fidelitous at first, just like an inseparable couple, only with three. At some point though, and this is just the fantasy talking, I want the three or even 4 of us to unleash our sexual dynamite on the world in some rockstar way. I'm down for it to get all culty, hence the extended references in my profile to Heinlein characters. Ultimately there must be some sci-fi nerd out there w this same fantasy, who's dominant and sexually powerful but not masochistic. I think nerds like the internet, as I do. Hence why I'm on here.

Who knows. The first fantasy is more realistic and probably more palatable to polite society, my friends and family. The second is gutsy and requires stepping into one's full power. Perhaps there's a combination of both, or perhaps there is something in store behind door #3... 

In other news, I'm having some difficulty with Tamara, and it's because of Josiah and the shit he pulled while I was in Tuscon/San Diego. I never saw Josiah again, either. He had a heroin problem, all the more reason why letting him stay at my place and thinking it was going to be OK was a bad idea. Anyway, I am either getting my place back from Zeruah or moving in with Ishbar, the latter idea Isaiah is in love with. Already he's annoying me saying things like, "Maybe then you'll get the threesum you've always wanted." Umm... What? You mean the one you want that I have actually zero interest in. This kind of shit always annoyed me about him.

Anyway. I'm buried in work I have to do and am not doing.

Musings of an Insomniac

I'm turning into a fat fuck.

I tell people I'm married to my job. Which is going very well.

I just closed my OkCupid account. I'm not sure where I thought it would get me.

I opened it to meet other people so that I wouldn't be stuck with Halah because I was never very into him. He would be crushed hearing that, but inside he knows, which is what made him go so crazy. I never should have let him talk me into another second with him. He was a whiny bitch from the get-go and it should have ended there. The fact that Jerusha and her friend got to be so anti-Halah because of his piss fetish probably pushed me toward him, since I defend people at all times against those who aren't acting Sex-Positive.

I didn't even pee on him. Not because I'm grossed out– hell, I peed all over a guy's face who was so into it– but really that about Halah, I didn't even care. As Uriah said, I was bored with that. He was all wrong, I don't know why I do that to myself.

Anyway. My most recent encounter from OkCupid was this guy with an incredible face who was only 26, but slightly chubby and headed in the wrong weight direction. Man boobs, for the love of God. He was really needy in a dom sort of way, saying things like, "You already don't want me do go, huh slut?" and "Tell me you need me you little whore". I ended up fucking him 3 marathon-length times that evening (unprotected... we talked about it first though), even with my jaw throbbing from some dental work. When I saw him in the morning light, sober, it was like, "Oh, that's what you look like." He choked me (hot), called me names (neutral), held me down and bit/slapped me & ordered me to fight back (hot), made me call Jerusha in the middle and tell her I was getting railed (uncool), and in general I rode is big cock for hours and cummed a few times (very hot). Overall, a great night.

He keeps texting me, but I'm not attached to seeing him again before he heads back to whatever foreign country he works in. Part of it was that I could tell he was not sex-positive and not bi and underneath the facade I think he wanted hooking up with me to mean something so that it wouldn't just be a casual encounter. Eh.

Sleep now.

Slut Injustice

I long in many ways to use my true identity, and the identities of those who are written about in this blog.

I long to reclaim my identity as a "slut".

Why does this have to be a bad thing? I've had sex with quite a few people now, and I don't regret any of them. A couple of them I regretted at the time but grew from it, many I enjoyed, a couple I loved dearly, a handful said they (true or not) loved me, all of them I remember. I don't understand why enjoying sex with more than a couple of people, of both genders, has to be looked upon as such a bad thing by society. Why I have to hide it all from the general public in fear for my reputation with my career and my straight-laced friends, and why my mom is concerned about my never finding The One.

I hope one day that our little Sex Positive movement, toward sexual openness and true polyamory, will someday become worthwhile, and that the world will be a better, less discriminatory place for it.

I hope that the contents of this journal, which are all true accounts of my life's events, will one day be seen not as shocking or strange or wrong or immoral, but simply the accounts of what it was like to be a woman at the turn of the millennium, at the forefront of a movement toward higher consciousness and a more peaceful world.

Besides what I would consider the word "Slut" in a negative connotation at the forefront of many people's minds, I've encountered more than a couple of obstacles to a true sex-positive society.  Namely:

It's Raining Men

With the blip of a New Year reconnect a distant memory already, and new guys coming by the crib nearly every day (just to hang out/cuddle, only once was sex actually had to any extent), it's time to face the facts here: I'm single.

Welcome to 30

They say it's the New 20, right? Well, I am here to say that's wrong. So much shit happened in my twenties as to render me an entirely different person than I was at 20. And, I'm all the better for it, give or take.

This year has been interesting so far in the City of Roses, even though it's only a few days old. I'm in a bit of a sexually frustrating period now, but I'm at least in a better place than a year ago. I'm sure things will start picking up and I'll be able to start having fun again, and being more motivated. In the meantime, reaching back to the end of 2012 for the update:

1.) I had a week-long affair with the one Gaius. He's been my friend for 8 years or so now, ever since he and his then-girlfriend lived next door to Hannah. Our affair was very intense and very awesome, and the feeling seemed so mutual that it was absolutely perfect. It would have made a great poly love affair to write about, except that one day, it wasn't. I was supposed to go with Tamara to his show (he's a musician, that's bad news already), but he texted me 25 minutes after I was supposed to have arrived that he couldn't make it. Sensing that something bad must have happened for him to cancel his paid performance with his band, I texted back that I hope everything's OK and asked what happened. I never got a response. Nor a Happy New Year nor a Happy Birthday nor a What's up nor any other sort of communications. I have some idea what's behind it (drama with one of his existing lovers, who was married to someone else), but in truth, if it were going to happen for us, it would have. THE END.

2.) I spent New Year with Halah. It was an amazing two days we spent together, even though we pretty much didn't have sex. Well, the one time we did, I actually kind of initiated, but then he said he was 'dehydrated' and stopped. Blerg. Still, it was a wonderful, sweet, and loving time that will never be recaptured: As with all things Halah, that beautiful time came to an end and he doesn't really want to talk with me now. Literally, he ditched me the night of my birthday and made it a Don't Call Me, I'll Call You situation. I haven't seen him in a week, and ironically, now it's totally over and I don't have words for it. THE END. I think. Again.

3.) I am thirty years old. At first, I was completely depressed about it. Now, I am going to embrace my thirties, in a much smarter way than I embraced my twenties. I'm going into it vegan and as an avid bike enthusiast and gym rat, and activist for causes I believe in. (All thanks to the encouragement of a one Halah. He may be a mean-spirited asshole, but I think I got the best of what he had to offer.) I never thought in a million years I would be here when I turned 30, living in West Portland, writing professionally and personally, playing dulcimer and painting, crying at times and drinking heavily at others. I had dreams ten years ago and throughout my twenties that are all but gone now. I need new dreams, and they are starting to form, slowly but surely. This time, I am going to still dream big, but I'm going to dream smart, too. I'm going to fight and claw my way through this jungle until I come through the other side with success.

Mazel tov! 

On Delving Further into D/s and Poly

Despite working full-time for the past 2.5 months (!), I still have had a few adventures.

1.) I 'cheated' on my dom (Alvan). First of all, you know how there's some people you get in a relationship with and when it's over or time's gone by, it's done? Alvan is not one of them. (Neither are Amariah, Elijah, or Halah.) So even though it's been a substantial amount of time (5 months or so?) since he tied me up and beat me until I was crying my eyes out about Amariah, I still feel loyal to Alvan. This other dom scared the shit outta me tho, to the point where I felt truly rattled about the experience. He is rich and powerful. He talked to me at length about the lifestyle, which also scared me, and I don't think I want to go down the rabbit hole of truly being a sub, even though apparently I'm good at it. Unlike Alvan, he did fuck me though. He also cuddled me after spanking me silly for a long while. I foresaw the relationship with this dom being quite intense and not something I'm totally after. I think this is the first time I've ever even written about it.

2.) The experience with the dom was sort of also 'cheating' on Halah, even though Halah's totally poly. I think it was the beginning of the end with Halah. He said "I love you" to me too quickly and it made me panic. I haven't had sex with him in over a month, even though we still have an emotional relationship. I'm totally in love with him. Ironically, my being a sub in some ways is interfering with my being with him because he's always on me to initiate and I just can't. The dom from above said he would hate the sub taking initiative, which means I'm a good sub for not doing that. Apparently the one time I did 'initiate' sex with Halah was also very sub: I nuzzled into him so that I could smell him and feel his body while he slept and then I masturbated, so that he awoke to me in his arms having an orgasm. I think it's quite sexy. However, I'm also ruthlessly insecure and he has all of these ongoing love affairs and is meeting new people and I don't know how to reconcile my intense feelings for him with the fact that I don't get to see him very often and that I don't feel close to him or that I get as much affection as the other lovers do. It is SO frustrating to think about. So we're still 'lovers' though I don't even know what that means and I constantly pine about him.

3.) Had a nice 4-sum with Jedidiah (who is not into me), Jezebel and Ahijah. I totally ruined it talking about how fat I am though.

4.) Been dating a hot 24-year-old. He's poly and super into me and I see him maybe once per week at most. Interestingly, since the 4-sum, he's the only person I've actually slept with for the past month, and that's only happened twice but it's been fun.

5.) Basically, however, I'm not getting laid, and Uriah, my lover I usually would go to, is in a monogamous relationship (!), and therefore gone. Which is strange. He would be on my list of ongoing emotional attachments, but isn't because of this. I feel like he is totally unavailable, which sucks, since the last I was near him, I still felt there was a lot of love there. (He was not impressed with my stories of Halah, either. "Boring!" is what he said about Halah's urination/female ejaculation fetish. I actually kind of agree, Halah's really no more freaky than that.) Elijah, I feel like all I would have to do is see him and talk to him and let chemistry take over better judgement. Amariah I still love and miss and would probably just cuddle with one time– hell, it only takes me being near him– to still feel all the love there, even if it wouldn't end in sex either. It would end up with us back in our non-traditional relationship that we had for years that was very unhealthy because neither of us knew how to communicate what we needed/wanted from the other in a constructive way.

My questions now: How do I shake this idea of poly that people seem to have of me that follows me around? I don't want a relationship where my partner has other lovers that I will never get to meet or know about. I do want someone who will bond with me and build a strong relationship before introducing others into. My idea is sharing and honesty.

Christopher Ryan seems to talk about how ancient human societies used to all share lovers, but those societies probably stuck together and saw each other all the time and were quite close-knit, the way that societies are notsomuch today. It just seems to leave insecurity and angst. I favor a flat organization, one in which there are a total of three or more people, fidelitous with each other, at least at first. This would be great for me because I could have hot orgies all the time with people I love and trust, and know that the relationship as a whole wouldn't crumble just because I get weird and depressed/creative sometimes and need to withdraw into my shell.

OK. Enough. No one ever reads this shit anyway except me.

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Cloudy Friday Night

It's been a while.

My job (which I still have and it is going great) is keeping me busy. Very busy in fact. But I am taking some time away from it to introspect.

It's nice to have money and perks that come with being employed. One of the first things I did with my first paycheck was to get a gym membership and a tanning package near my apartment. Both are essentials to my happiness. The gym was a godsend last night when, after a night of drinking and a birthday dinner, I found myself stuck alone downtown for five hours without my bike, waiting for the bus. I sobered up in the sauna with a lot of water, then worked out, then hit the steam room and caught the first bus home in the morning. I had to awaken less than 3 hours later to look at a new bike, which turned out to be too small for me. Then I slept all day finally.

Another mini-relationship came to an end last night, I think. It was a long time coming, actually. I hadn't had sex with Halah in over a month, probably because I went ahead and had sex with a dom, then a few weeks later had a 4-sum (with Jezebel, Amariah, and the infamous Jedidiah finally, who still is not that into me), and then finally sealed the deal with this incredibly hot 24 year-old from Vancouver that I've been seeing. While the 'primary' relationship I was in was supposedly poly, I think he thought it only referred to himself and he assumed I would be the monogamous one. Typical. But I'm bummed about it.

During my delirium last night, I started writing a story about him in my head that I jotted down on my phone's notepad.

I miss my mom and dad. My mom hates that I work for an old friend of my dad's that she never got along with. But she also was down on me for not being some impressive PhD student anymore and for not being married. Her now husband is a raging douchebag and I dislike him. It's been over a month since I've seen her, and last time I did she was so incredibly bitchy. Saying that I am selfish and only come over in order to use her. That is not and never was the case. I'm not using her for anything and never was. She basically told me last time we hung out to just go on and marry whoever, and that it didn't matter who and I didn't even have to see the person that much. I suppose that I might be able to actually do that, since trying this 'going with my heart' thing never works.

It's starting to come to me again that Tracy McMillan was right: I'm too crazy. I'm too independent. I get too involved in myself and my life. One thing I did learn from this recent 3-month stint is that I need to get out when the first signs are showing that it's not working. The BETTER thing I learned, though, is that I need to have something to be 'about', some cause or something to give my life meaning. The work I'm doing as a writer, however, is very fulfilling. But I want something else to get into that will bring me joy and a sense of purpose.