It will all be OK in the end

I just talked with Amariah. He has graduated! I hate the phone, yet somehow 90 minutes just went by. *SIGH.* I'm sorry about everything, Amariah. Talking to him is both a mild heartache and a huge relief at the same time.

I told him that there are a lot of things about the world that are tough to deal with when out of the shield of Acadamia. He's going to ride that shield to completion, being a post-doc and then a professor it seems. Good for him, I suppose. His lessons in life aren't the same as mine.

Ahhh, but to think I could have rode that same little shield forever as well...

Wouldn't it have been nice to be spared all this. [Sarcastic yet rhetorical.]

Cerebral Realizm

My name is Raine. I live in my head.

I realized, most horribly, that my ranting in this blog is most certainly due to my frustration with work that I vent in other ways. As though I displace a lot of my own stress and anxiety or fear onto other people.

I mean, hell, I dislike babies because I think they're fucking with me. And I gotta say, I just can't convince myself that they're not manipulative little troublemakers. People don't give babies enough credit. They know what's up.

*Sigh*. It's exhausting living in my head all the time. I focus more on personalities and drama and story lines and ideas and inspiration than I do on being fully aware of my surroundings.

I gather this might be why when I connect with the very occasional someone on a cerebral and sexual level I remain wholly oblivious to important other factors until far after everyone else would have seen them coming. *Face palm*

Resolving my Personal Conflix

Today is a beautiful day out the window of my downtown apartment. This weekend was incredibly lovely as well, with Ladies Weekend kicking ass and a great St. Patty's Day followed by a slasher movie with Thom. Ishbar is a good influence, for sure. She's very calm and collected and focused. Jerusha is a great too. And really, all of my other lovely friends.

For anyone who follows this (IDK if anyone does, although someone is reading at least, as discerned from the occasional snarky comment), I changed Ruth's name back to Ruth. She didn't like the name I originally picked for her, and after last week's little upset, I thought, "She totally doesn't merit the name Ruth." However, I realized thanks to Ishbar and reading aloud to her while we were riding home from the book she got this weekend:

Don't ever look back.They might be gaining on you

I'm about to leave for Girls weekend.

Last night, I was dancing with my friends at a friend's DJ set in a smallish dive bar on the East side after the anti-fluoridation rally. We got to the show last night and said "Cheers" after we took turns bitching and made eye contact and laughed away our problems. Then, dancing and merriment with many of my dearest loving friends: Jerusha, Jezebel, Ahijah, Thom, Sole, Ishbar, Haman, Barakel, and a host of others un-named for the purposes of the story of this blog.

From my Livejournal, September 28, 2001

I filled out this survey like 11.5 years ago, and it explains so much!

Thom would be proud of my choosing Phish in my bands.

♥♥Self Love♥♥

<zOMG I have writer's block so bad>

Starving Artist, West Side

It's been a couple weeks.

I've been gone for work.

Then, I disappeared into the world of Ruth for a while.

I like that world.

But, I have my own apartment now. Finally! For the first time in many years. I'm on the lease and everything. It's a huge FUCK YOU to everyone who hated on me while I was down. Because, let's face it, the place is fucking sweet as hell.

Erotic Encounters, Part I: The Early Years

Numbers 1 and 2: London and God

1.) London. Slim, blond, blue-eyed, fair skinned, arty. I was in love with London in 4th and 5th grade when we had class together, growing up here in the City of Roses. I made him really uncomfortable in gym class in late 5th grade, whispering in his ear, "It's not about scheduled sex, it's about having a baby." Then he moved away for middle school and I was pretty devastated. Then, he was back for the latter half of high school and for the life of me I have no idea why we didn't hang out more. Things picked up the latter half of senior year. I was in love with someone else (#2, God), which complicated matters, but essentially we were FWB without ever really calling it that, playing around sexually all the time and being little friendies. Forward to... Senior prom. We finally had sex. I still have his semen on my senior prom dress from the first time we had sex ever. (Uriah eventually fucked me in it also... He said it was hot that it still had cum stains.) I didn't really know how to deal with the not-quite-relationship after that and the whole thing sort of faded away. I wish it didn't, cuz I really like him, but at the time I was into someone else and it all got awkward. London even knew about God and didn't care, how poly. File London in the, What if...? category.

2.) God. He in no way merits such a designation, but of course at the time I started my Livejournal (age 17), he was a big deal. Amazing what time will do for a situation. He's in the Lots of Conflicting Emotions category. I've learned to live with the intense emotionality of this strange 'relationship' we had, even though it was angst-ridden and never particularly got closure. But seriously, 12+ years later, he's a washed up, white trash, uneducated alcoholic, still working maintenance at the golf course, and talking to him beyond, "Nice job you're doing on the greens!" would be an embarrassment. So he's also in the Done, Over, and Never to be Revisited category. 

I met God at his caddie at age 13, and he was 23. (I could see even relatively open-minded people getting all judgey about this one, and if you do, try to comment or message in a respectful way.) He had one blue eye and one green eye, never went to college, was soft-spoken, and liked curvy girls (with T&A, like me... And Britney Spears). Fwd to age 16 when I ended up working maintenance at the same golf course as he did. My then-best friend Genocide (blerg, how unfortunate is that moniker?) always talked about his hotness and his nice legs. So, the three of us got to talking and flirting all the time, and God and I started going out on dates the summer I was 17 and he was 27. I had a thing for porn then on the family computer, and I wanted very much to be his "barely legal" super sexy fuckable plaything. I got my wish.

We made out a lot before the summer when I turned 18, but he had a knack for ignoring me during work hours. It never bothered me until the following summer when I started having sex with him (I was legally old enough, people!). Then it gets all sorts of emotionally confusing, needy, and immature actions and manipulative power plays started happening on both sides. For me, it was being unable to handle all of these feelings I had for him and not knowing how to act around him or how to talk to him, and with him it was being kind of ashamed of being driven so crazy by someone so young and trying to not take it seriously for concern with his 'reputation'. So I would just have sex with him, doing whatever he told me, because I didn't really know, on the boss's desk and at his place nearby and in public and even on the beach. Beyond my flirting with/saying lines from porn to him/inventing double entendres and acting out fantasy scenes with him (all fun), I'm not sure if I ever really knew him, though I'm inclined to say, No.

Erotic Encounters, The Intro

Long ago now, almost half my life ago, I had my first kiss. That was at the tender age of 16. After that, I kept a meticulous record of everyone I ever kissed or did anything more with. It remained meticulous up until college, when alcohol made things a little murkier. Finally, about a year ago, I abandoned the full list, since there were just too many to remember anymore and I wasn't being steadfast in it anyway. The list topped out at over 200.

The list is now in a journal in storage, so all I have is memory.

Women were of course on the Kiss List as well, but after I abandoned the list, I didn't particularly count them as sexual partners. After having talked it out with others privy to the question, it's come to light that I should count women because I'm bi. But, unlike my male sexual partners, I can't remember them all specifically and I don't have the list. So, the females that I've been sexual with are for a separate section. I would say I'm a Kinsey 2, so most are men anyway, but this is not to diminish the amazing women who have been a part of my life in a sexual way as well.

Some of my sexual conquests that haven't appeared in this blog have 'names', if you will. These are from my old, mostly friends-only LiveJournal, which was in action beginning at age 17. I'm going to keep those names. If someone who was never 'named' ends up mattering throughout the story, then I'll give them a name according to the theme in which others were named around that time period. (Bonus: Can you guess what this blog's theme is? Some people, you may notice, don't fit that theme and that's because they had names prior to Sex in the City of Roses.) Annoyingly, some people with the best names, such as Jesus and Moses, I never did have sex with, although those particular two were the basis of a short story that is simply spectacular. But, I digress.

The Erotic Encounters series will start with Partner 1 and be broken up over many posts. I will do my very best to get the order right. If you want to read them in ascending order, they will all be filed under the label "Erotic Encounters".

Urban Tribe

I awoke this morning at the house of some friends on MLK.  It was beautiful.  I had biked there directly from leaving work at 8pm for a dinner party the night before. The ride lasted for about an hour, through the pouring rain.  How delighted I was to find an array of Indian food, Mexican cheese (I had to!), wine, fruit, and best of all, a roof-top hot tub party.  I awoke early this morning to clean the apartment for them before meeting a dance friend for breakfast. They let me stay by myself there even though Isaiah and some other people I knew better eventually left, since I didn't want to leave my bike and had an early breakfast date nearby.

The three of us joked around and chatted and spoke of the Urban Tribe that has sprung up among young adults in Portland.  The feeling it gives me to be a part of it rings very true, and is quite comforting.  They all tell each other "I love you," openly, even men to each other, and are totally there for each other if anyone needs it.  The thought that there is really a tribe of people here that like to do fun things together and support each other's endeavors is something I missed out in Vermont, and it makes Portland feel even more like home.

It gives me so much joy!

Chatting with my dance friend for about 3 hours this morning was awesome, too.  People are so very interesting and friendly if you allow them to be.

My job now literally includes just chatting with business representatives and owners to find their "voice", and then taking on that voice to write a story for their website and blog that is interesting and attractive to the target audience.  I love it!  I could not be more blessed.

I have an interesting story about an encounter with Alvan the Dom that I will need to save ;)  It is a healing story.  Being a sub is like therapy, I think.  It was intense, and IDK all of the implications yet, but I do feel a lot better after the session.  Which was non-sexual, BTW.

I think healing is the journey I am on right now.

I have been having an amazing time with writing and with my family and with Uriah and Isaiah and my friends and the Tribe.  It's just Uriah and I again, being pals as always, but at least now openly loving each other.  I haven't had sex in almost a week now, but the last time was with Uriah and it rocked!  I also recently have been getting close to Ishod, who I have liked for a while and who is an amazing person.

I have not seen Elijah for a week, since he screamed at me while dropping me off at my bike.  He and I were getting along and being friends, but he got jealous over a girl I shall call Ishbar and wound up spewing venom at me.  We reunited to talk things out about the Beltane party on Cinco de Mayo, which we both wanted to go to without drama.  For a week, we were friends again and things were great: He was part of my life and fun to see, and I could still go on my merry way w my own friends and the Tribe, and Uriah (who he's always been jealous of, as well).  I think he was even more jealous that I had all these plans with friends that he was not invited to.  I'm surprised he cares!  If there's no sex or talking extensively about sex and relationships and polyamory involved, he basically thinks it's boring and not worthwhile.

Elijah and I spoke a few days ago via text messages that lasted all fucking day.  He did admit to jealousy and anger issues, which is a start for him to actually be polyamorous.  Before me, I think he just couldn't keep it in his pants and thought 'poly' meant him fucking other women while convincing his loving partners at the particular time that she needed to deal with it.  Which it sounds like some did better than others.

Honestly, I think I represent the first poly gf he's ever had; and not just one who fucked other ppl or put up with his philandering, but one who did not love only him. It culminated in his wanting me to go sleep in his trailer that night while he spent the night w someone else, so that he could come home in the morning and "make love" to me– and perhaps truly expecting that it would happen.

My realization about him, and the Tribe, this morning, was that he is not a part of my life.  He considers these people to be boring because they don't all want to have sex with him or have orgies all the time.  I feel like love and friendship are more than that.  I wouldn't have him as my date to my work parties and I wouldn't introduce him to my friends and family.  And the friends and family that did meet him do not like him at all, to say the least.

The story about him, and the D-bag I dated before him, and Ezekiel, even, is that I need truly to find a partner that is also a friend and is also a part of what I now recognize as the Urban Tribe of all my friends and family and acquaintances.  That is very important to me.

Well, I could go on, but it's 3:15.  Guess that's 'time'!

...?

Did you ever really, really want to tell someone you love them, but you can't because you were an idiot like 9 months ago after having your heart crushed and stomped on by someone else, so you thought you were actually just going to be friends that sometimes have sex with each other even though you've really had feelings for the person from Day Zero?

I think this is actually kind of a common scenario.  This knowledge is in NO WAY assuaging the situation.

F M L

Spiritual Jackpot

Sitting at the Central Library right now, finishing writing assignments and ditching out of the 'job' I just got.  Eeking out an existence by writing to me is better than making money selling vacuum cleaners.

Instead, I got my morning vices of coffee and cigarettes– real cigarettes for the time being, since I found two packs at Elijah's grandparents' house and can't afford the e cigs– and headed here to continue to pursue  my dreams.  My other vice is alcohol, of course, although I've been able to drink again since Tuesday and have had only one beer due to being so broke.  I plan to hit the bottle, no question.  I found half-gallons at the grandparents' as well, though perhaps E is wise to abscond them from me, considering.

I told him today, "I would rather live in a trailer the rest of my life and be recognized by people as a writer than work my life away selling vacuum cleaners just to live in a fancy condo."  True.

(Though the way I encode everyone in this blog, you'd never guess I had a quest for recognition.)

So I turned down an opportunity to make money at a mainstream job that to many would be considered a good day's work for salaried pay.  I'd rather be a starving artist.  This is who I am.  I was meant for this life.  I'm the quiet person at the library or your local coffee shop who writes for a living and sits for hours lost in thought.

E promised today to unconditionally support me in my quest.  This officially makes him everything I've been looking for and didn't yet know it.  I hope someday I can give him everything in return.

One thing that he's decided he wants that I can help him with is to reach out to people with his incredible spirit.  I just texted him this:

I completely support you has a spiritual/sexual healer.  You are amazing and have a unique gift to give.  I didn't realize until now how much you've already healed me.  I will love you forever for it.

This is one of those things that I didn't recognize until I wrote it out just then.  It's getting to be a spring day and I feel good.  I needed to change my mindset from wanting him to quest for wealth and truly seeing the greater path that he is on.  I can and will be there for him in this.  But it is his, he is the healer. I am the artist.

Mmmm, I need whiskey...

Making the conscious decision to not sell vacuum cleaners this morning put my mind into a completely different place.  A higher place.

I miss Uriah.  E also told me that, despite the 'closed container', he is completely at ease with my continuing to see U and that he (E) need not be present for that.  Uriah is grandfathered in, you might say.  I'm so glad to hear that.  I love Uriah also.  I suppose one could put labels like 'polyamory' on it, but in reality, this is just who I am and I sort of dislike the label.  My dream of a triad with two bisexual men is not out of the question, either.

This is the spiritual jackpot.  To hell with money, then.  To hell with anything and everything else that is a distraction.  The sun is shining through the third-floor library windows.  There is so much joy in life, just as there is so much pain.  Such thoughts are peaceful.

A year ago today, I reached a pivot point after breaking up with Ezekiel.  He is pivotal to the crossroads I'm in now in so many ways, too.  The subject of Ezekiel is a complex one.  Suffice it to say, he is in my heart always and we both still get joy from the connection we made and then tried masochistically to destroy.  We nearly needed to destroy it because we couldn't handle it and still travel a terrestrial course.  Perhaps he and I will meet again when he is further along in his spiritual path, but I doubt it.  Certainly that path was put on hold for his PhD and prolly forever.  It took a while but I'm happy my spirit was too great and vibrant to be sucked dry by Immunology and by Vermont.  In connecting with Elijah, I'm reminded of the feeling Ezekiel, though, and it no longer makes me sad, only content.

The regulars are here in the Map Room with me.  Libraries are great for forming relationships with the other regulars in which words never need be exchanged.  I sometimes wonder what these people do here all day.  I get bits of their life stories.  This has been the case for me at every library I've ever frequented.

So much for my pretentious condo association.  I belong with the artists eeking it out in NoPo.  I fought it mentally to the point where I almost sold vacuum cleaners and nearly reached a point-of-no-return.  But I didn't go there, and I am so grateful that I don't have to.  I embrace life so much.

Thank you Portland, for making it all possible.

Differences a Week Makes

Last Tuesday (Valentine's Day):

• Awoke at Ashtoreth's house early, got dropped off downtown by Sole on her way home to Eugene.
• Worked at Starbuck's on the Square for a while.
• Moved the operation to Central Library after deciding with Hannah that Valentine's day was a bad day for a work session.
• Feeling: Free and grateful to be away from the toxic triad situation.  Hoped that surviving a non-chalant Valentine's day would be the last appearance I would ever need to put in.
• Took the bus home to get ready for Jezebel to pick me up.  My instructions were to "dress casual and wear red or black."  (Portlandians prolly know where this is headed...)
• Got picked up by J, who was dressed up nicely.
• Arrived at Elijah's house, where it smelled like sage and a string of heart-shaped lights were lining the stairwell, and candles lit.  Led into his room, where there was a heart-shaped box of chocolates and two flower pots with live roses, one for J and one for me.
• J then gives us cards and presents as well.

[THOUGHTS AT THE TIME: Oh, shit.  I totally dropped the ball on this.  Granted, I don't particularly care about Valentine's day and never have, but shit.  Also granted that I was glad to be out of this as of 20 minutes before, and broke as all fuck, and having zero expectations for this dumpster fire of a "relationship" if one could call it that, but... Shit.]

• The triad goes to dinner.  Ahijah joins us, wearing a suit.  So everyone is dressed nicely but me, although I at least made an effort and wasn't totally scrub.
• Elijah freaks out on me.  Decides he isn't going to the Blazer game.  I feel zero remorse and just want to have a reasonably fun night.
• Ahijah, J and I went to the Blazers game.  FUN!!!  I was wanting to go ever since Thom offered me a ticket and I had to turn it down bc of some 'commitment' to E that required me to drive with him back to Salem after just arriving back in Portland on the bus from Eugene.  

[Once again, I had been guilted into doing something that I didn't want to do and now it continues to bite me in the ass.  The time in question: I called E and asked if I could go to the Blazer game and not to Salem w him, since I wanted to see my friend Thom, who I rarely get to see anymore.  I had seen E every day, J was already going w him so he wouldn't be alone, and I didn't want to travel halfway back to where I was earlier. It didn't seem like my presence was necessary, in my eyes.  Of course he said No, and takes the fact that I even asked him to mean that I don't want honor my commitments.  As though my only commitments should ever be to him and no one else in my life matters.  I deign to believe truly that this is borne of insecurity rather than an attempt to control me, the way the guy I dated previously tried to do.]

• Despite the fun and sexy playfulness between the three of us at the game and after, Jezebel remained in contact w E throughout the game and even let it drag her down a bit.  It speaks volumes about where her heart is at.  
• We re-joined up with Elijah to go dancing in China town.  But we first stopped at Ahijah's house so he could change and E and I broke up officially.
• Dancing was awesome.  For whatever reason I had some sexual magnetism going on.  But more on that later.
• Ended up with E somehow sleeping at my house and Jezebel and Ahijah going home together.  Who knows why that went the way it did.  Alas.  More about that another time, too.

This week is a whole different ballgame:

• Awoke in my condo with Elijah.
• Did yoga with him before breakfast.
• He left for work and I didn't get caffeine fast enough and so passed out for another couple hours.
• Went to Starbucks down the block from my house to get a lot of work done!
• I'm starting a new day job tomorrow and need to get my writing jobs squared away while I still can.
• I took a piece of Adderall so I was cracking good on getting work done and didn't realize that I was sort of running away from talking to Jezebel unintentionally.  I hate the position I'm in but E & I have connected on so many levels since last week and are so in love.  

[After Elijah and I broke up, we re-evaluated the triad.  He came to realize that J was his ex-girlfriend that was still in love with him at all costs, and not a friend.  Or maybe it was me that just realized that, since they both seemed to know and even tell me that the whole time.  But their actions painted a different picture and that combined with my quest for a happy triad made me blind to the truth.  My view had been that they simply had 'love with problems' and I was added to the mix to bridge the gap and help them grow back together.  Apparently I was wrong. They are toxic to each other's happiness right now and it was toxic to me as well.  Crushing.]

• Came home just now to a peaceful scene: Elijah making dinner before we go to contact improv, Hannah and her children visiting with Zeruah, and me still holding a hot cup of coffee in my hand :)

Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.

Fluxating

I'm at Central Library now and I desperately needed to come here.  Since becoming involved in this triad, I have spend considerable time being schlepped around NoPo (mostly) and to some extent tagging along to everything that Elijah and Jezebel have going on.  This is a "me" place.  I love it here.  I even got a spot at my fave table. :)

As I explained this morning to Elijah: The fact that I can take my writing anywhere has been misconstrued by them both to mean that I can take it anywhere that's convenient for them.  I need to take more control of it than I have been.  Yesterday, although I did get to stay at my own place last night, I didn't get any work done, by virtue of not taking control of my own destiny.

Had a great conversation with Tamara yesterday though, and that was well worth it.

I missed out on some great sex possibilities last night and this morning.  I am sad about that.  I have a tendency to want to be "taken" by forceful coercion (dammit, Alvan was onto something when he outed me as a 'sub' at that one BGN!), and Elijah is not really like that.  It leaves me with the feeling that I need either: a.) for him to be more like that at least once in a while, b.) another man to be like that with me more often, or c.) a combination thereof.

I mean, I was kissing E and rubbing up on him last night and actually saying "I love you and I feel vulnerable", and nothing!  ARG.  I'm not going to jump to the "he doesn't love me" quite yet, although I am a bit hurt and frustrated.

SO much to say, but so little time to really write!  I have to get to the future plans soon because, frankly, I need to write it out in order to get advice and/or just get it straight in my mind.  Til then...

Day 17 Sans Alcohol

Some things I have learned recently:

1.) The triad is making me a better communicator.

2.) I need to seize control of my own destiny.

3.) Not drinking feels great.

4.) I think Portland's polyamory explosion is a survival instinct due to the Recession.  No joke.  It's a liberal way to group together closely with other people, since children (and adults) with pooled love and resources within the Village have better chances of survival.

5.) Exercising feels great.  Something is snapping in my spirit a little and I am feeling more active and clear-headed.  It's a good combination of things, I think.

6.) I definitely need to get more work done or I am going to have money problems, and soon.  However, I did get approved for food stamps today and that is a huge help.

7.) Writing is my first real career, I realized the other day.  I was visiting my sister Sole and it gave me joy of sorts to say that I have a career.  Granted, at 29 it's a little late in the game... But not too late; I'm a late bloomer, but I haven't missed the boat.  PHEW.