Poly Agreements: Yes, we can do this like Adults

I woke up this morning to Thom's friend Bukkiah fucking me on my couch. He's not so much to look at, but a good lover. Also, way too into me/ obsessive about me.

Andrew pretty much ix-nay'd this from continuing after he moves up here in a couple weeks, because he says that the guy is too into me. Which I agree, not to mention that Bukkiah lives far away and from what I can tell about his personality would be 'secondary' status at best; but probably not even that.

WHAT? You may ask. Yes, Andrew and I are having a conversation already about what we are OK with as far as poly. He's not especially poly in that he draws the line at having feelings. I drew the line at sex, but oral sex allowed. He was stoked about that. He originally was texting me with messages about how he wanted to put his dick in this girls' face who as passed out in the other room (he'd hooked up with her before). My response was, "Send photos".

However, I got worked into a bit of a tizzy when I realized how deceitful he was being. I was blindly trusting him when he was saying shit (many times, over the course of many drawn-out conversations) about only wanting to be with me and blah, blah. Turns out he's hitting up all kinds of people in San Diego before he leaves and was just not telling me about it.

A cheating monogamist. I have so much disdain for them. Not to mention that I actually have brought up poly a lot and he seemed to reject the idea... Apparently until it was convenient not to.



Earlier I was pretty blown out by the whole thing and honestly wanted to offer to just be friends with him and maybe we'll get to be together if he earns it for real. I did some blow and started drinking a bit; that helped me feel better. Perhaps I shall sleep on it before I really say anything. I'm writing it here at this point to avoid texting him the inevitable breakup text.

(Or, did it ever really even begin? He was being sketchy about that too. Double speak and such. Clearly if it's not a 'Hell Yeah!' it's just a 'No', as I've gone through too much trying to convince people to want to be with me who didn't.)

To think, I was actually sort of excited about being monogamous with him for a while! It would have been an adventure. We talk of buying a house together near Eve and Abel's, of traveling together to Southeast Asia, of our deepest relationship fears, of how we just want love and it doesn't particularly matter to either of us where it goes.

I know it was never going to be permanent; I'm not an idiot. I don't think we really love each other that way. But I felt in love with him and I like him, and this is an interesting adventure and I felt ready for it.

Now I realize, it's not meant to be. I've had qualms about it constantly; but I don't like my commitment-phobia getting in the way. I was (am?) so into him, and I felt like some of the red-ish flags I was 'seeing' were maybe just ways I was trying to talk myself out of a relationship: He wants to hit his children; he hides things from me or doesn't fully give me a straight answer; he seems to really want a relationship with me and I don't know why (he says he's never hit a woman but I get some sort of weird abusive vibe off of that that I can't exactly place); even when I told him he should be an honest polyamorist instead of a cheating monogamist, he gave me this sort of, 'I'm not going to cheat on you because I don't know anyone there/ no one is attracted to me' bullshit that is in no way actually re-assuring. Literally all he's saying with those statements is that he lacks opportunity; which, as a hot new piece of prime real estate in town, he won't lack long. Not to mention when he VISITED here it took him all of 2 days to fuck one of my friends.

Honestly, I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't even really know him. His lack of clarity and straight-forward communication are the truest signs, ironically.

Basically, Thom is right, and so is Uriah.

ASIDE: I hung out with Uriah this weekend! And Canaan! And co! We partied in the empty apartment next door with the beautiful North-facing deck all night on Saturday night with a ton of blow. The sunrise over the downtown skyline was spectacular. Still, I think I will be staying in my apartment as it is. If fucking Andrew weren't moving in, I would fucking bankrupt myself to move next door, but because it's so much smaller and would cost so much, it probably isn't worth it. Still, everyone who was here that night unequivocally loved it next door on that deck.

Actually, I'm going to sneak out there for a cig now. They're doing construction on it between tenants and leaving it unlocked.
*     *     *

I'm sad. I think the spell is broken with Andrew. Before it even began. And to think, I told all my friends and family about it, and they all loved him and were actually happy for me. Back to the drawing board now. Ugh; I've been so stupid!

Maybe having him living with me for a little bit will be good in the sense that I won't be able to have people over to fuck as often, which in some ways sucks a lot, but in another way will help me find a real partner and weed out a lot of the casual randoms. (I haven't had a one-night stand in a few months at least, so that's not bad.)

.

Starving Artist, West Side

It's been a couple weeks.

I've been gone for work.

Then, I disappeared into the world of Ruth for a while.

I like that world.

But, I have my own apartment now. Finally! For the first time in many years. I'm on the lease and everything. It's a huge FUCK YOU to everyone who hated on me while I was down. Because, let's face it, the place is fucking sweet as hell.

Backed up brain

I can't find my paper journal, and it's wearing at me.  I like the flowing of my pen to express my innermost  feelings rather than the computer sometimes.  I fucking type for a living, you know?  It gets a little much to type for joy, as well.  Plus, sometimes I don't have access to my computer.

Well, that's not totally true anymore.  Uriah had a Macbook he wasn't using and traded me for my busted battery, so now I have a real laptop!  SO freaking grateful.  I still haven't fully utilized that, although the other day, I was at the PCC campus on 82nd Ave with my good friend and it was strange to be able to just sit down wherever I wanted and not have to research where the power outlets were first.  I was so used to that that I nearly had forgotten what it was like to not have to do so.

Hanging out with this friend made me realize: I only want to date sex positive people from now on!

The non-sex-positive viewpoint seems to look at the female body as some sort of commodity to be traded, bartered, or sold.  If I look at it that way, I am doing a terrible job with it all, since I am so sexy and can hold a fucking conversation, too, but for some reason since I've been in Portland I've dated two men who had no money at all.  Both of them did pay for things for me and spend time with me, though.   I am sure I mis-heard it, but I thought Uriah called me a 'cheap slut' the other day and it made me all sad.  Despite that and then the conversation with my friend, I have decided that remaining sex-positive is the way to go.  I may be viewed the wrong way in some circles for not insisting on only having sex with people I absolutely love and who spend a lot of money on me, but viewing my sex as some sort of property or bartering tool for love and money is far worse in my mind.

That way of thinking seems completely backward to me: Love should be freely and unconditionally given, and sexual connections allowed to be explored.

First world problems.  But, it doesn't make them any less of problems, just that there should be some perspective on your life rather than getting caught up in it.

Amariah was one who was far removed from reality.  He is so far removed that he actually denies it.  The man has a first generation iPod as well as every other generation of iPod, and a fucking first-generation Kindle, too.  He's a PhD student for crying out loud.  Complaining about your life when you have higher education to that level is so far gone.  You're poor and over-worked by your own life choices, no one made you do it.  Get over yourself.  ANYWAY, though, I still love Amariah and hope he is well.  I carry a candle in my heart for him lest he come out as being bisexual one day and will have a triad relationship with me and perhaps Ezekiel at some point.  Also, that he starts being passionately in love with me and ceases to stop himself short.  (**SNORTS**)

Ezekiel I still love, but also, I have come to terms with, that train has sailed.  Never again.  He claims that he will see me again but at this point even if he comes to me from Vermont with a PhD on a white horse, I still would not get back with him.  He replaced me with a 20-year old, and he would do it again.  Everything I said about him in my journal while I was dating him (and I really went off, since he is such a little shit) is true.  Bitch can have him.

It was nice over the weekend, although then it got to be gray yesterday with maybe a bit of a sun break, and now it is back to raining buckets.  Fucking Abel is making me clean my stuff and put more of it in storage.  This was sort of why I was getting mad about living with the parents.  I always feel like Abel is out to marginalize me in some way and sees me as some sort of obstacle to stealing all of my mom's money.

Whatever, though.  So far, this week of being here has been far better than it would have been at Elijah's house.  I am glad things worked out the way they did so that I could get this job, since it feels like the beginning of something huge and no matter what, a giant leap forward.

I miss Elijah, but as of tomorrow I have not laid eyes him for a week and there is no drama with him the way there was before.  He's off whoring about, being sex-positive and doing absolutely nothing else with his life.  I would have thought having a steady, polyamorous partner would have made him feel calm and rooted enough to start seeking his dreams, but I think fucking everything IS his only dream.  Alas.  The hurt about him will die down and I will once again be glad that we are not together.

OK, time to fucking clean.  I have a lot of work to do today.

Day 3

This is the third day of the dreaded caffeine detox.  Actually, caffeine's just the most prominent part of the detox, which also includes alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs, and real cigarettes (not e cigs, at this time).  It would be a mistake to say that any of these were easy to go without, but I kept reading that a caffeine detox needs to include these other components to truly be effective in breaking the addiction/habit.  So, yesterday sucked and I am surprised that I was able to pull off getting anything done at all, to be honest.

I started this morning with yoga, hot ashtanga flow, at a place very close to here.  It was AMAZING.  I always have relied on Bikram when going through a detox because I think sweating out toxins is a huge help.  Although this studio does not seem to have actual Bikram (unfortunately), the price is right so there it is.  I'm lucky enough to have a minuscule amount of money coming in so that I can even afford to go... What a luxury to go to yoga, I now realize, after having to go without for 3 months.

Sunday was great, minus the fact that I had my first legitimate breakdown since I moved to Portland.  I think it was something to do with extreme sleep deprivation, drinking tequila until 6 a.m. while playing the Battlestar Galactica board game, and PMSing, as well as it being Easter without my dad and my having had recurring dreams about him.  Although it seems like it, the drinking was not out of control; certainly not on the level that I had to do a detox the way Uriah did.

[Uriah... Long and difficult subject.  I miss him and will miss him more when he is gone for 6 months.  I need to disappear into him for at least a week straight before he goes.  More on this later, though.]


Anyway, I freaked out and cried and cried about being fat and losing everything in Vermont and about my dad being gone and about not having anything good to show for my life and about losing my friends because of being who I am and about Ezekiel and about Amariah.  I cried it all out.

I got to Eve's house Sunday afternoon and went through some of Dad's notebooks.  Sole was there but is still acting strangely toward me.  Oh well.  I think she is much more money-oriented than I am, I have always been motivated by different things.  I also think she harbors much more awkwardness about our upbringing and wishes to move away from it, whereas I have always embraced it.  I think things will be okay in the end.

After that I had a good time with Abel and Eve, and then went to Alvan's house with Elijah.  Alvan, as it so happens, is an amazing chef, and I like him and his friends a lot.  He told us he really liked us and that we challenged him and others in good ways, and that people say good things about Elijah and I.  I thought that was sweet and was honored by it.  E and I get it from people all the time that we are great together; and this is from people that know us as a couple.  I'm definitely sad that Sole got such a bad impression, but I think that it will dissipate in time because I am quite spectacularly happy and content.

Some other highlights: I live here officially now, which means I have to at some point get my things out of my old place with Zeruah.  E and I had a four-sum with another couple we met at a club and then the next day a three-way with our friend Evi.  We both like her a lot but I don't know if it will be anything more than playing, and I think she's only experimentally bi.  I miss being in a triad, though.

Somehow so much has happened in my life and yet I still find myself happy and joyful almost every day.

Topsy Turvy

My life is turning upside down right now.

This seems to be an annual event around Valentine's Day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

First, Zeruah and I are about to get evicted from our posh condo if a sum of money for bills and back rent is not found tomorrow.  VERY bad.  I can scare up the money, but the intense fear is asking my parents.  They are going to give me shit, and perhaps rightly so.  I can hide behind the fact that the better freelance jobs that are my bread and hummus seemed to dry up in January.  But I should have taken my nose further to the grindstone, rather than just back away and enjoy the free time.  I have a writing job that allows me to work as much as I want and although the pay is low, it is something.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Second, Saturday afternoon was a disaster with Sole meeting Elijah when she was here over the weekend. Suffice it to say, there was a fight in which both parties were at fault and there was nothing I could particularly do to stop it.  It was quite awful.  There were many reasons why, in hindsight, this interaction was taking this negative turn, but suffice to say that I too was in a bad place and got myself into the center of something that I could not control.

Where the chips fall on that is Elijah, being a relative outsider and unable to provide any of the love and support for me that close friends and relatives would, defied me to choose him over my family.  Which I cannot and will not do.   If I felt that he was taking my best interests to heart and the family wasn't it would be one thing, but in this situation it was Sole that had my best interest at heart and he won't acknowledge that.

Ergo, I can't date him on that principle alone, if things don't improve.  But there are other reasons that need to be sorted out, too.  Some of which could have been prevented by he and I not hanging out together all the time.  I wish he wouldn't be insecure, since it actually makes me feel less secure about him and makes me pull away.  He also embarrasses me in public and doesn't care.  I'm much more of a private person than that, I'm not sure if I can reconcile.

Zeruah, Hannah and her husband, Ashtoreth, Ashton, and other friends of mine in addition to my family,  have been uneasy about Elijah, and rightly so.  I feel uneasy myself and there was an intense spiral of negativity.  The particular issue with Sole revolved around his coercing me into going to a sex party that he helped plan, using the "If you loved me you would..."  As a 'supportive partner', I should not have to do something like that if I don't wish to, and even though I was curious and it was fun, in light of the other family drama and the fact that I'd been spending so much time with my partners, I really did want to spend that time with Sole and Ashtoreth instead.

[Granted, I feel that I can say I've gone to a sex party now, and there were some great parts of the night, such as sleeping overnight w Elijah and Jezebel in the liana under an electric blanket with the beautiful mild winter air and the creek.  There was a super fun pillow fight, a clothed full-body massage by like 5 or 6 ppl, and playing around (not having sex) with my bf/gf and some other sexy people was cute and fun too.  The most ground-breaking part was that I dyked out when I was there, unleashing that part of my sexuality in a whole new way, which is quite amazing.]

The drama with Abel and the letter is soothed to an extent, although it was scary and unsettling for a few days.  Eve and Sole were freaked out for a minute, but we had a family get-together and I truly think things will be OK.  Nonetheless, it wears at me a bit.  I told Abel I love him very much on the phone yesterday and it was, I realized, probably the first time I've really felt of him as family.  The confusion and fear brought about by the letters seems to have forced me to face some of the inner doubt that I carried around about him in general.

Also, for the first time I have had my work criticized in public.  It's a hazard of my job, but it still sucks.  I feel like I handled it pragmatically and with diplomacy.  I definitely want to remain unaffected because I realize more and more that being in the public eye means scrutiny, and I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone all of the time.

I should remember that for all of life.  I cannot please everyone all of the time.

What I do need is to make decisions that I am happy with, or at least that I can live with for the time being.  Even this journal has definitely been read by at least Uriah and Elijah, which makes me a little squeamish.  I'm a bit fearful that my and their identities will somehow be publicly revealed.

I suppose no one else would be interested in this lurid tale littered with names from the Old Testament.  If it ever came out who I really was, I could either plead the Fifth or Insanity.

Basically I need to get it together to follow my dreams, which I hadn't been doing.  Instead, I was chasing after someone's insecurity and manipulation.  Once again, I feel like someone is attempting to put me down to make me co-dependent and I can't take that.

Jezebel and I are on good terms, though.  As with Ahijah, both of whom I went to the Blazer game with last night for Valentine's Day followed by dancing in the Chinatown/Pearl area.

It was good for my soul to go dancing, drama or no.

I'm applying for jobs now.  Laddies was right when she said the time is nye.  I've been spending too little time getting my act together, as it is so easy to get lost in others' world.  But it only serves as short-term fun.

Uneasy

I received an anonymous letter from someone regarding my mom's fiancé, aka Abel, and I was quite freaked out about it earlier.  I don't know whether I will be able to calm down about it; I need more information to be sure.

I rode my bike from my house to Hannah's house today, and it was a 2-hour uphill through town in a de facto fixed-gear bike (Uriah's), aka the most difficult ride I have ever done.  I literally had to stop two times along the way, once for caffeine and once for water.

Along the way, I happened upon a big secret that I am on my way to investigate and write about for Occupy.  It upsets me; not quite as much as anonymous tips about the man my mom is living with, but a lot, on a different level.

Biking put a lot of things into perspective for me and I think I have more clarity.  Putting it into a semblance of action will be the next step, albeit a tough one to take.  I have to get past a lot of personal, emotional walls and a great sense of pride that I have.

Day 11

Gist of my day: Awoke early (8ish) at my house with Jezebel and Elijah, got up for a minute, snuggled back in.  Woke up again ca 11:30 a.m. and had hot 3 way.  Cleaned my room for a few hours and had a discussion with J and E.  Jezebel left for an appointment, more sex.  Step-dad Abel comes over, we talk for several hours while smoking up some herbs.  He gives us great advice and discusses a lot of interesting issues with us, about poly and about my dad and growing up with a polyamorous cultish-type upbringing.  We also talked extensively about Scientology, Mentation, and the works of Robert A. Heinlein.  At my behest, Elijah is reading Stranger in a Strange Land over the past few days.  (Originally I was reading it aloud to him but he finally got into it and started reading on his own, which makes me so happy on many levels.)  Talking with Abel was a very good experience and a necessary conversation to have, considering the apprehension that I've had about Abel since I moved back in late July.  There is a lot to learn from he and my mom.  They have lived a lot of life.  Plus it really strengthened the mutual understanding between Elijah and I, especially since we were in a fight yesterday over the 'Uriah Issue'.

Ahh, Portland.

Anyway, after that the cleaning continued.  Jezebel came back to get us, my clothes got folded, hung up, and put away (FINALLY), and we got our stuff together to drive from my place in SW (near downtown) to Elijah's place in North Portland (NoPo as it is known, though I call it the Wilderness cuz it's far North).  Jezebel was meeting Ahijah for a Zumba/dancing date and was agitated about being a little late for it.

There seemed to be some tension about E and I getting a ride but I also think there was also some tension on the heels of a long, long conversation the three of us had the night before.  Basically we were hashing out our real feelings about the triad and what our motivations were in it and etc etc.  I don't wish to get into that now because it's such a long, agitating story.

BUT, an interesting thing that I had to admit to everyone during this drawn-out discussion was that I have feelings for Ahijah.  Just a crush, really, but a genuine one.  The magic of the 3-sum we had is undeniable, though.  I had to, at the time, come clean about it because it's weird and I don't think he likes me that way.  Elijah pretty much jumped up and wanted to leave because someone else might've broken open feelings in me.  During a sexual experience he was part of, I may add, and therefore the feelings that were broken open during that were open to him as well.  Consider that that day was the first day that I ever believed Elijah when he said, "I love you" to me, and the first day that I said it back.

Now E and I are here at his house and missing dance and J and A are out together.  E and I are having a quiet night and it is necessary considering all of the extensive drama that has come about.