Welcome Back

Guess what frogs? It’s been several years since I wrote in this journal.

Monogamy is for the birds

Literally.

It sucked.

Or at least, that relationship did. And then its rebound did too.

Here’s what happened

Relationship End: 4/4/17

Andrew moved here, and immediately started changing his behavior about me. Only 3 days after moving here he was butthurt that I spent not enough time browsing the Farmer’s Market with him, and wouldn’t let it go until I took him to wine tasting and an expensive dinner.

He would freak out randomly and leave without a trace for days.

He was mean, and demanding, and sought to turn me into what he thought the definition of “girlfriend” was supposed to be. He was misogynist, selfish, uneducated, alcoholic, huge pothead, and unloving. He was abusive. Full-on verbal abuse. The

Everything I did to save the relationship or try to make him happy just seemed to make him more unhappy with me. I felt dead inside, working a corporate job in the suburbs, living in a crappy apartment with no light.

Even though I said love was all I wanted, in the end he said that he didn’t have that to give.

In the last 6 months, I quit drugs and started making an aggressive effort. But over the course of those months, things got exponentially worse. One night he was particularly drunk and had nothing particularly left to verbally abuse me about, so it got physical. I moved out the next day and haven’t seen him again.

Looking at previous entries, it all could’ve been seen from miles away. He wasn’t interested in me so much as co-dependent and needing to get out of San Diego.

The Shitty Rebound

After all that trauma, I was single for one month, then a rebound I’ll call Carmi pushed his way into my life. He was a Stage V Clinger with no job and very broke. Still is. He used me for money and had serious mental illness. He was whiny and when he talked it was like, Blah blah blah. He was arrogant and selfish. Half white and hating not being white and had a chip about white people. Still, I dated him for 10 months, ending about 4 months ago. I wasted so much money on him it’s not even funny. I’m still in the anger stage that he trapped me into a relationship I didn’t want, but the sex was good. I wasn’t ready to move on after the Andrew sitch, and I think losing the rebound would’ve put me into too much of a depression. Still, he wouldn’t get his act together and was familiar so I kept going back.

Single Again at Last

Since that crappy rebound, I’ve had sex with 2 people and made out/messed around with a couple more. I’m getting back the final pieces of myself, minus the drug problem and the going out, which I admit I hate.

Sounds like it’s time to continue the saga. It’ll be different this time, as I don’t want to go down a self-destruction route. At least Andrew did teach me a few things. And I’m sure Carmi did as well, although I’m too angry right now to see exactly what. This time it will be about self-exploration and learning from mistakes so that I Have fun and if I end up with someone, it will be the right choice.

Alcohol fueled nostalgia

Drunk after my friends' annual Christmas party & doing blow.

Being nostalgic about country music.

Letting it make me happy from the secrecy of my room. 

Being me and not caring for a moment. Remembering with each song in this 'favorites' list why it got there and what it means to me/ says to me.

Sometimes there's so little to remind you of who YOU are that you just have to feel joyful. Even if your partner left the party early & is sick & depressed because he 'hates the holidays'. 

I don't think he's right forever but he's helping me learn so much right now. And I hope vice versa.

Yet, I also see that either one person can never be enough as a lover or that people learn to live with letting a part of themselves atrophy.

Which is right? I oft default into poly. But is that just a cop out for not being able to make it work with a single life partner? Can you have a life partner and eventually learn to also appreciate other lovers for helping you in ways that other person isn't? Or is that just giving up on the life partner? And if you can appreciate other lovers, is it really possible to do so honestly?!

Monogamy

I don't know about this monogamy thing. I don't like feeling jealous. I'm already insecure and I don't enjoy the feeling that if I mis-step in any way, I'll get 'cheated on' and lied to about it. I loathe the feeling that I'll be replaced for a newer model someday because people can't share. 

Poly solves a lot of those issues. You deal with jealousy. You know the person will fuck someone else and not lie to you about it and keep your agreements. You know that sharing is possible and your lovers never have to leave you to try out the newer model.

The upshot is, a monogamous relationship puts me back in good footing with the rest of the non-poly, not sex-positive world. An upshot that gives me relief from feeling like I always have to defend myself and be an activist, but also one that I loathe.

People, including Andrew, point out that I'm quick to jump to poly for all the answers. That it's more emotionally challenging and mature to resolve one's trust issues than to base your life around not having to have that type of trust. 

I beg to differ. I mean, I can't be on time to anything to save my soul, and rather than learn a lost cause lesson, I now just base most of my day on not having to be anywhere at any particular time for the most part. So, why learn to trust? Same thing.

The problem is, what Andrew and I have is so, so very special. I never thought I would ever have someone like him. He's incredible. I love him a lot, though we have never said it. (I'm giving it 6-12 months, I think that's fair for really knowing if you love someone... And if he hasn't said it by then, he never will.)

Oh, this is officially our 2 month anniversary. That's a lot in Raine time.

Enamoration

I'm in love, and my boyfriend just moved into my apartment from San Diego. The past few days have been difficult, lovely, sexy, and fabulous. 

I was on a bender before that. Up all night doing blow every night for 5 days straight. Including several while Solomon was here visiting in between moving to LA. 

Lots of negotiation, ego deflation, and feelings of emotional nakedness. Lots of feelings that I am completely and utterly vulnerable and overly defenseless, but at the same time, really building a life with someone for the first time ever. 

Is this the end of this blog then? Certainly not. So many back stories to share, and so many new things to explore in this strange thing called monogamy. I see people like Elijah and Halah as lonely and sad and constantly searching for approval while taking advantage of others. They will never be anywhere or have anything because they're self-centered and short-sighted.

I see Andrew as a real, true, solid man and someone I can truly build a life with.

Poly Agreements: Yes, we can do this like Adults

I woke up this morning to Thom's friend Bukkiah fucking me on my couch. He's not so much to look at, but a good lover. Also, way too into me/ obsessive about me.

Andrew pretty much ix-nay'd this from continuing after he moves up here in a couple weeks, because he says that the guy is too into me. Which I agree, not to mention that Bukkiah lives far away and from what I can tell about his personality would be 'secondary' status at best; but probably not even that.

WHAT? You may ask. Yes, Andrew and I are having a conversation already about what we are OK with as far as poly. He's not especially poly in that he draws the line at having feelings. I drew the line at sex, but oral sex allowed. He was stoked about that. He originally was texting me with messages about how he wanted to put his dick in this girls' face who as passed out in the other room (he'd hooked up with her before). My response was, "Send photos".

However, I got worked into a bit of a tizzy when I realized how deceitful he was being. I was blindly trusting him when he was saying shit (many times, over the course of many drawn-out conversations) about only wanting to be with me and blah, blah. Turns out he's hitting up all kinds of people in San Diego before he leaves and was just not telling me about it.

A cheating monogamist. I have so much disdain for them. Not to mention that I actually have brought up poly a lot and he seemed to reject the idea... Apparently until it was convenient not to.



Earlier I was pretty blown out by the whole thing and honestly wanted to offer to just be friends with him and maybe we'll get to be together if he earns it for real. I did some blow and started drinking a bit; that helped me feel better. Perhaps I shall sleep on it before I really say anything. I'm writing it here at this point to avoid texting him the inevitable breakup text.

(Or, did it ever really even begin? He was being sketchy about that too. Double speak and such. Clearly if it's not a 'Hell Yeah!' it's just a 'No', as I've gone through too much trying to convince people to want to be with me who didn't.)

To think, I was actually sort of excited about being monogamous with him for a while! It would have been an adventure. We talk of buying a house together near Eve and Abel's, of traveling together to Southeast Asia, of our deepest relationship fears, of how we just want love and it doesn't particularly matter to either of us where it goes.

I know it was never going to be permanent; I'm not an idiot. I don't think we really love each other that way. But I felt in love with him and I like him, and this is an interesting adventure and I felt ready for it.

Now I realize, it's not meant to be. I've had qualms about it constantly; but I don't like my commitment-phobia getting in the way. I was (am?) so into him, and I felt like some of the red-ish flags I was 'seeing' were maybe just ways I was trying to talk myself out of a relationship: He wants to hit his children; he hides things from me or doesn't fully give me a straight answer; he seems to really want a relationship with me and I don't know why (he says he's never hit a woman but I get some sort of weird abusive vibe off of that that I can't exactly place); even when I told him he should be an honest polyamorist instead of a cheating monogamist, he gave me this sort of, 'I'm not going to cheat on you because I don't know anyone there/ no one is attracted to me' bullshit that is in no way actually re-assuring. Literally all he's saying with those statements is that he lacks opportunity; which, as a hot new piece of prime real estate in town, he won't lack long. Not to mention when he VISITED here it took him all of 2 days to fuck one of my friends.

Honestly, I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't even really know him. His lack of clarity and straight-forward communication are the truest signs, ironically.

Basically, Thom is right, and so is Uriah.

ASIDE: I hung out with Uriah this weekend! And Canaan! And co! We partied in the empty apartment next door with the beautiful North-facing deck all night on Saturday night with a ton of blow. The sunrise over the downtown skyline was spectacular. Still, I think I will be staying in my apartment as it is. If fucking Andrew weren't moving in, I would fucking bankrupt myself to move next door, but because it's so much smaller and would cost so much, it probably isn't worth it. Still, everyone who was here that night unequivocally loved it next door on that deck.

Actually, I'm going to sneak out there for a cig now. They're doing construction on it between tenants and leaving it unlocked.
*     *     *

I'm sad. I think the spell is broken with Andrew. Before it even began. And to think, I told all my friends and family about it, and they all loved him and were actually happy for me. Back to the drawing board now. Ugh; I've been so stupid!

Maybe having him living with me for a little bit will be good in the sense that I won't be able to have people over to fuck as often, which in some ways sucks a lot, but in another way will help me find a real partner and weed out a lot of the casual randoms. (I haven't had a one-night stand in a few months at least, so that's not bad.)

.

WTF

I am about to try something truly terrifying.

Monogamy.

'Monotony', as some might say.

It's been a good long while since I entered into a monogamous relationship. And 5.5 years since I've been out. And it was rough and soul-crushing. And I don't believe in monogamy long-term.

I'm in love though. With this man from San Diego who is moving up to the City of Roses to be with me. And to, you know, straighten his fucking life out. I mean, this shit started out as me banging yet another coke dealer. (They're always hot & dark & interesting though!)

He better. I think I'd rather whore about forever than settle for someone when I know I am worth more. I think I'll still be able to get 25 year olds at 50. So fuck it. Cheers to living with Mr. Right Now. Yeay for love and all. Yeay for the adventure. Yeay for the about 1 week of monogamy that I'll actually last. (Realistically, prolly 1-2 months, if all goes well. But I have other lovers that I will miss!)

I thought I was ready. I really did. But I'm not! I'm actually loving being single! All this shit I do where other ppl have a boyfriend/ husband/ partner... At first it seemed exciting to have a person to do those things with: Camping! Family brunch! Parties! Dancing! Festivals! Night at home watching movies and having someone to talk to! Right?

But, over the course in which I've actually had to face the prospect of having a live in-partner, the more the whole thing is harshing my fucking mellow. Having to drag him along and pray that he doesn't embarrass me in some way. Not being able to meet someone new potentially. Wanting to be alone and farty and bloated. Having to negotiate using the bathroom, watching TV, listening to the radio, physical space. Even cooking and cleaning, even though I don't do them enough, I've demonstrated just this past week that I can do them...

Is this the price I'm willing to pay to share my heart and space and body with someone on an intimate level? Is the need for that so strong that I just up and hand over the life that I built that I'm finally enjoying?

I'm very much in love with him, though. And it makes me feel a little disappointed that I might hurt him in some way.

Speaking of: Fuck Isaiah. What a motherfucking loser. Yes he has cool parties, but he's not the originator of all of them. His scene is so... Shallow. Everything about him is just so annoying, I can't even believe that Ishbar is so enamored with that crappy douchebag. I truly regret sleeping with him, and although I think dumping his scene would in a way lower my popularity, he's not the only one that holds these events (a), and b.) who cares? If any of them are really

my friends, they still will be.

Gawd, I might as well re-name this "High School Drama in the City of Roses". 

Anomaly

I seriously wonder sometimes WTH.

But life is as it is meant to be, no?

I had a breakdown today about my dad. I was looking for my library card and inadvertently found a photo in an old wallet of me next to him while he was in the hospital. He was covered in tubes and wearing a hat I brought him back from South America.

I'm just starting to accept how numb I went while my dad was sick and dying. It's as though I wanted to treat him like he would be well any second if he did the right things. I was mad at him for getting himself sick in the first place. For years I blamed him for getting himself sick; for not doing enough to get well; for not taking enough initiative.

I blame myself then and now for not doing enough. For leaving him to pursue a future that wasn't meant to be. For my believing he would be ok- that he would LIVE GODDAMNIT! When the future told me otherwise, even though I couldn't have known it then.

Dad, I love you far more than you would ever know. Or, you did know. In fact, I know it's more than you did know. Or maybe, in your wisdom, you know it all  along. Because I feel you with me more than anyone else does. 

And Dad, I love you like none other. If I ever have a Kindred Spirit in this life, it is you.

I know you're out there. Take care of me, Dad. You will always be my guide. I need and love you immensely. 

And I always will.