Welcome Back

Guess what frogs? It’s been several years since I wrote in this journal.

Monogamy is for the birds

Literally.

It sucked.

Or at least, that relationship did. And then its rebound did too.

Here’s what happened

Relationship End: 4/4/17

Andrew moved here, and immediately started changing his behavior about me. Only 3 days after moving here he was butthurt that I spent not enough time browsing the Farmer’s Market with him, and wouldn’t let it go until I took him to wine tasting and an expensive dinner.

He would freak out randomly and leave without a trace for days.

He was mean, and demanding, and sought to turn me into what he thought the definition of “girlfriend” was supposed to be. He was misogynist, selfish, uneducated, alcoholic, huge pothead, and unloving. He was abusive. Full-on verbal abuse. The

Everything I did to save the relationship or try to make him happy just seemed to make him more unhappy with me. I felt dead inside, working a corporate job in the suburbs, living in a crappy apartment with no light.

Even though I said love was all I wanted, in the end he said that he didn’t have that to give.

In the last 6 months, I quit drugs and started making an aggressive effort. But over the course of those months, things got exponentially worse. One night he was particularly drunk and had nothing particularly left to verbally abuse me about, so it got physical. I moved out the next day and haven’t seen him again.

Looking at previous entries, it all could’ve been seen from miles away. He wasn’t interested in me so much as co-dependent and needing to get out of San Diego.

The Shitty Rebound

After all that trauma, I was single for one month, then a rebound I’ll call Carmi pushed his way into my life. He was a Stage V Clinger with no job and very broke. Still is. He used me for money and had serious mental illness. He was whiny and when he talked it was like, Blah blah blah. He was arrogant and selfish. Half white and hating not being white and had a chip about white people. Still, I dated him for 10 months, ending about 4 months ago. I wasted so much money on him it’s not even funny. I’m still in the anger stage that he trapped me into a relationship I didn’t want, but the sex was good. I wasn’t ready to move on after the Andrew sitch, and I think losing the rebound would’ve put me into too much of a depression. Still, he wouldn’t get his act together and was familiar so I kept going back.

Single Again at Last

Since that crappy rebound, I’ve had sex with 2 people and made out/messed around with a couple more. I’m getting back the final pieces of myself, minus the drug problem and the going out, which I admit I hate.

Sounds like it’s time to continue the saga. It’ll be different this time, as I don’t want to go down a self-destruction route. At least Andrew did teach me a few things. And I’m sure Carmi did as well, although I’m too angry right now to see exactly what. This time it will be about self-exploration and learning from mistakes so that I Have fun and if I end up with someone, it will be the right choice.