Sunny Tuesday

The sun is streaming through the window and it is 50ºF; a stark contrast to the snowy 30º it is in Burlington right now.  I am still traumatized by that place.  It will probably take years to reconcile the carnage that moving to Burlington, Vermont did to my life.  Coming to Portland again is my way of re-setting; 'drying out', if you will.  Who knows where I will go next?  But this is what I need right now until the next step makes itself clear to me.

Speaking of drying out: This is Day 10 of not drinking, and for some reason, despite it being 12:45p.m. on the last Tuesday in January, I am starting to feel it.  Just a lil bit, in that my nerves are hurting.  Then again, it may be the 'medicine'.  I don't usually smoke, though since I've been in Oregon again, MJ has been pretty near thrown at me.  I consider detoxing from alcohol to be a condition alleviated by such medicine.

I awoke at Uriah's house and had hot, hot sex with him a couple of times and then hit some herb and put on the Happy Glasses and rode my bike here to SE Grind.  My phone is dead and I have "Somebody That I Used to Know" in repeat.  Finished an article or two for some cash and going to bike home before having to return here by bike for Occupier stuff, then hopefully be picked up for Dub Step Tuesday.  I'm in love with Portland today.

Yesterday I woke up at Elijah's house with him and Ahijah.  We had the absolute hottest 3-way ever, all afternoon.  Thinking about it now makes me feel so in love with both of them.  Talking about it even on this blog makes me a bit bashful.  I feel so blessed.  I'm in love with Jezebel, and with Uriah too.  Polyamory at it's finest right now.  It opens you to loving everything and everyone and life.  It's a feeling I can't shake off, and don't want to.  Ironically, it took me being alone all day in a coffee shop to let the reality of all this love sink into me.  I don't even know if I can face Jezebel and Elijah tonight without wanting to just spend the entire evening making love with them and letting the emotions consume my entire soul and life.

Elijah, Jezebel, Uriah, Ahijah and I are all native Portlandians, BTW.  I'm pretty sure that's how this all happened.

Elijah & I spent some time with his mom and her bf yesterday, too, and that was a great experience.  They are good people.  E & I spent about an hour going through his Star Trek action figures and talking about ST and being complete dorks.  It's sort of miraculous how all of this is culminated and took off so perfectly and synergistically.

I want to sing praises for Portland from the rooftops, for being my home and being the place I can come back to so as to regain my spirit and continue on the adventure up through my life vortex.  I thought Vermont took everything from me, but it didn't: It only stripped away a false start.  Everything that I am and that I have is here, with me, and always will be.

There is something so great about being alive right now.  An awakened feeling that I thought was dead for a while.  Something in me that grew by leaps and bounds yesterday.

Musings

I awoke this morning in Jezebel's arms.  It had been a night of love and of sharing and being a triad again.  After I wrote my somewhat bitter-sounding post yesterday, J, E, and I talked it out and came to a great place of love and understanding.  E and I have been spending some time together but J is our girlfriend, and that was never in question for E or I, it was merely a matter of meeting her needs so that she feels included.  I am so happy to know that, and so happy to be growing closer to her.  She is such a great catch.  I would marry her.

In Other News: This blog will now be co-authored by Jezebel and Elijah.  I am tempted to add Uriah to it as well, but we'll see through consensus how J & E feel about that.  One interesting thing is that I am SO tempted to edit some of the previous entries so that they are... "Less personal" sounding.  However, I just decided against this.  They open to talking about their feelings, whereas I am so awkward and feel too vulnerable and tend to write about all of my thoughts/frustrations instead.  The result is a riveting yet personal read that I am scandalized about anyone seeing.  Delving into those waters with my two lovers is new territory for me, and something I ought to experience once before that vault closes forever.  Plus, we can comment on each other's entries and they can have the opportunity to either love and embrace me for the awful mess of vulnerabilities that lies hidden so well beneath the surface of my skin– or not.

On the bright side, if they choose not to love me for who I truly am, at least I can say I let that side of myself be known once, by two people, before I seal this part of me off from the world again forever.

Today was a good day.  I woke up with Jezebel and Elijah came in and snuggled with us.  I was at my own house finally (again).  Zeruah, my roommate, came in weeping hysterically over a breakup with her polyamorous lovers, and I was so very glad to be there to comfort her.  Then Ashtoreth (my cousin) and her date came and picked me up and we drove out to the Gorge for a hike, past many spectacular waterfalls.  The sky was so blue and it was such an indescribably good feeling to be surrounded in nature and be out of the city, even for a minute.  My sister, Sole, has been trying forever to get us out in nature and I see more and more how all of her exercise/outdoors activities in Eugene may be the secret to her relentlessly positive attitude and inability to be side-tracked.

I'm at my mom's (Eve's) house now, as I am every week.

I am intensely over-caffeinated.

I feel exhilarated.

Delta Sunshine

Today is a sunny and absolutely beautiful day in Portland, and once again I am so happy to be here.  I am so fortunate to have the amazing and wonderful ppl in my life that I do.  I am so fortunate to have a great family and to be living among the hippest, weirdest, most open and peaceful people in the US.

INTERJECTION: I am so so annoyed by Elijah and Jezebel always telling each other every detail about me.  I feel like I can't do anything with either of them without having the other report on me.  I need some alone time, is what it comes down to.  I need some time away from this relationship.  It is bugging me on a level and I'm not sure how to reconcile that... Or even what the level is.

Perhaps I'm going down a wrong path with being in a bisexual polyamorous relationship with at least one person (J) who is actually neither of those things.  I feel involuntarily that I'm the recipient of her being jealous and/or feeling left out of the relationship, which is not true and the only reasons she hasn't physically been around are her due to her own planning.

This is what detractors would point to as why poly doesn't work.  I personally think that it's true, but only because everyone involved has to be committed to poly and committed to getting past the mono training society has given us. Which I'm not entirely sure is the case at the moment...

Makes me long for the simpler times when it was just me & Uriah and our various other lovers.  But I didn't see that as a long-term true primary partnership either.  At least there was less jealousy and awkwardness with that.  Except that time when there was... Ahh.  Alas.

Everyone here that's a native Portlandian seems to be totally OK with talking about relationships and sex all the day long, no matter how weird it gets.  Non-Portlandians, such as Thom, have no freaking idea about Portlandia.  He is headed back from whence he came shortly, aka, he's just too New England.  It's all well– I was too Portland for New England, which is why I came back.  Long story.

Not Drinking

This is the third of thirty days without alcohol.  I am now at Elijah's grandparents' house and they have the most alcohol.

And wouldn't you know I would love a drink right now.  I've been in this triad for 3+ weeks and we're here (Elijah, Jezebel, and I) planning how we're going to buy the house and build an intentional community here.  It could only add to any other life plans I'm making though.  And I keep forgetting that despite already having a triad, polyamory means I can still have any number of lovers, so doing this wouldn't even lock me in, so to speak.  Although we'd be (the 3 of us) pretty much married at that point.  Blerg.

Quad is over, as of today, too.  Uriah doesn't know about this.  I happen to believe that there is more jealousy and weirdness to it than this, but the facts are simply that E & J claim they aren't attracted to him really.  IDK, it's more than that.  Either way, I am personally annoyed with Uriah following me around like a puppy and thinking that he is good enough to be with me.  But he's still in my life just as an Fb, as he has been for a while.

Sleep Deprivation and Poly Paneling

I'm out at the coffee shop near Hawthorne with Uriah, and yes, it is 830 a.m., and no, I am not entirely cool with that.  I got up at 7 with Jezebel, Uriah, and Elijah out at J's house in North Portland (aka the Wilderness).  Last night I got no sleep because we had quad play time til 230 and then I got woken up at 5 for some reason or another.

My whole life feels like an exercise in sleep deprivation.  Fortunately it's Portland so there's a coffee shop on every corner.  As always I have a fuck ton of work to do and nothing feels as good as getting that done.

The quad relationship is a new thing for me, and a whole different dynamic than a triad.  Maybe I just grew up on the right side of that fence, since I really have never felt entirely monogamous and always felt that there was more than one person that would 'complete me'.  The triads that I had been involved with in the past were two men that were bisexual or open to exploring that.  I find nothing to be more sexy, personally.

Then again, I also need a woman and that is what makes this quad so great, and both Jezebel and Elijah are warming to their inner bisexual nature.  I wish they were a lil further in that exploration, but what can you do?  It's all very experimental, and all so magical.  I am here with Uriah, with whom I was involved in a poly relationship with beforehand.  Things with him are totally loving and awesome yet uncomplicated and quiet.  But to me Uriah and I's relationship is very incomplete without the rest of the quad.  This is the same that I feel about each of them individually.  My hope is that they will come to see it that way as well.  At least two of them (E and J) are far more confused about this than I am.

Let me point out though, that carrying on a relationship that is the culmination of several smaller relationships is definitely infinitely more difficult than a relationship with one other person.  The upside is the synergistic combination of the relationship between each possible duo, each possible triad, and finally the entire quad.

Apparently this is all "advanced polyamory".  Last night, E, U, & I participated in a panel for people interested in the lifestyle.  The other members of the panel seemed to have what I would call 'open relationships' with their 'primaries', which is more aligned with monogamy and therefore less far-gone, perhaps, then the triad or quad is.  Basically those members of the panel had a basic marriage/ partnership with one other person but agreements that there could be other lovers on each party's side and agreements that that is OK.  There was even talk among the panelists about being friends with the other partner's 'secondaries' so that everything was in the open and trusting.

I had to interject with my version of poly, which what I describe as the 'flat organization'; namely, that everyone is equal (none of this primary/secondary shit) and that everyone has sex with everyone else that is brought into the relationship.  I think this also means that many outside lovers could be shared but I don't know; it doesn't have to be poly-fidelitous, though.  Basically what I want/ strive for is a triad/quad situation.

E & U & I were being affectionate and loving during the panel and at one point it was going to turn a corner and get downright horny.  We had such a hot 3-way right before the panel, too.  It feels like we're the polyamory poster children.

There's some inter-quad drama, though, and Elijah's other gf now officially has made it apparent that she is completely uninterested in any of it/ can't deal.  Too bad.

But that is all for a later time.  It's too fucking early.

Grey Nights in Portland

I'm at my house again in Southwest Portland.  My living room here overlooks the river that separates East from West, and from the edge of the lawn by my condo I can see two bridges and downtown and the trees lining the East bank.  It's amazing that the sky is a faded but bright grey with a sliver of sun, even though I am starting this entry after 5pm.  I love these rainy nights.  I forgot the feeling of a mild winter where it seldom snows.

I don't want to move from here.

Tonight and last night gave me feelings of both peace and contemplation.  Today was the first day where I spent the entire day at home in all of January, I believe.  I've been surrounded by people since before Christmas; really, the socializing started kicking in after Thanksgiving and took a hard-left after December. Alone time is necessary for my soul, though.  I have to remember this.

Board Game Night

Welcome to the blog of my crazy life.

I used to have a Livejournal, but, let's face it, you can't monetize LJ and no one ever read that shit because it was all privatized.  I'm at a point of renewal for myself now, anyway, so it's all appropriate.  I'm a weird native Portlandian and have come to accept that about myself.  I'm thinking my native weirdness must be useful in some way... And my life is way too interesting right now to not write about, or so I feel and you can let me know if you agree.  Everyone has a pseudonym here, BTW.  Including me, though some of you might recognize me.  If you do, don't ever give it away.

Without further ado, though, tonight is Thursday and yet another Board Game Night.  Which, in my world, means some serious drinking and sexual debauchery.  I know, I know, it's def like a WTF moment writing that, even for me.  Worse, I kind of want to go home on this rainy night and not have to trek to Northeast Portland (what I call "the Wilderness").  Instead I just work on my stories and articles some more and not have to go to Board Game Night (BGN) tonight, even though there is a 21-year-old hottie with dreds that lives there and wants to get w me.

Let me explain about BGN in my Portland: It always involves drinking, and much of the time involves drugs and/or dubstep, and lately has been degenerating into kinky sex.  I mean, I feel a level of ennui at wanting to go home right now even when I know all of this is on the bloc tonight.  Hell, I am writing this journal entry while getting overpoured drinks at the bar while my gf is working behind the counter.

Board game night like 2 wks ago was her idea; her as in my gf, we'll call Jezebel, who is bartendering so sexily behind this very counter.  Unfortunately it was a beautiful rainy day and the night is clear, and the feeling in the air is only what that kind of day can give you.  Which is why I love the rain, damn it all.  But that plus basketball means that there are a fuck-ton of mofos in this bar and they're all hitting on her, haha.  So 2 weeks ago her and I and our third, our boyfriend I shall call Elijah, are arguing over some agenda of the night and who was going where and she convinces us her friend Alvan is having a shitty day and wants company, and anyway she has to deliver him his backpack.  Elijah and I go along with it.

Oh, big component to the story and to all these stories: I do not have a car.  It's a sore fucking subject.

Upon entering Alvan's house, he has board games (Elijah is hooked), and a barrel of whiskey (Jezebel and I are hooked).  We decide to stay and play.  BGN has begun.  Mid-way through, we're drunk and Alvan's roommate comes out of his room followed shortly by Alvan's fb, and several tense minutes of greeting and us knowing what was going on and Alvan being quitely miffed go down.

Yadda, we four end up losing Pandemic and playing strip poker upstairs.  Yadda, Alvan is a dom and learning rope-tying, we all get tied for practice and it's fun.  Until he apparently sniffs out that I'm a "sub".  Who knew?  My motto for the new year was to be GGG, though, so I went along with it when he decided to tie me up again– much more tightly– and whip me for like 2 hours while Jezebel and Elijah are mildly upset.  The 3 of us hadn't even had sex yet at that point, so it was doubly weird for them.  I guess.  I kind of don't care.  Try anything once, right?

To gloss over a lot of hot sexy details for the sake of time, the next BGN at Alvan's ended up with the 3 of us plus Uriah, my bf of like 6 months that I wanted to enter the relationship, going back to Uriah's house and watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch before it progressed into the full-on orgy.  So in my ideal world we have a quad, but I am I think way more actually poly than Elijah or Jezebel, although Uriah, who may just be my love after all, is so fucking down that he actually gained several heart notches.  He is so great!  Maybe my Primary, if I may secretly say so, and don't tell him that though.  And I don't believe in Primaries really, I think a poly-fidelitous relationship should be a flat organization.

The BGN a couple nights ago ended with my perpetually sleep-deprived self trying to sleep after a fuck ton of booze.  I actually did doze off for a bit, but was awakened by Elijah and Jezebel furiously rocking the bed while she was getting railed, and Tamara in the other room audibly phone-sexing with someone. Naturally I got sucked in.  That is a hottttt X-rated story, for later though.  Basically it was a 3-way, he totally convinced me to fuck them though and that lasted until like 5am.

Tonight's BGN promises to be a shit show, or, as my friend from San Diego once put it, a complete dumpster fire.  If all went well, this sexxy young dredded beautiful boy will be there, plus Elijah who is getting weird and jealous, Uriah potentially, Jezebel potentially, and Elijah's confused/ mono other gf that I've never met.  Believe me, that will more likely end in screaming and fractioning off rather than the orgy that me, Elijah, and the 21 y/o prolly all want out of it.  Jezebel would participate as far as I can forsee, and Uriah wouldn't do anything toward making it happen but would be stoked about it, but the other gf, unless she has an attack of coolness, will not be down with it at all and make things all strange.  I know I know, it seems like just board games but everyone has their own agenda here.  Board games have such a family-friendly connotation, too.

UPDATE: Shit hit the fan and we didn't even make it to BGN.  All that stress for naught.