WTF

I am about to try something truly terrifying.

Monogamy.

'Monotony', as some might say.

It's been a good long while since I entered into a monogamous relationship. And 5.5 years since I've been out. And it was rough and soul-crushing. And I don't believe in monogamy long-term.

I'm in love though. With this man from San Diego who is moving up to the City of Roses to be with me. And to, you know, straighten his fucking life out. I mean, this shit started out as me banging yet another coke dealer. (They're always hot & dark & interesting though!)

He better. I think I'd rather whore about forever than settle for someone when I know I am worth more. I think I'll still be able to get 25 year olds at 50. So fuck it. Cheers to living with Mr. Right Now. Yeay for love and all. Yeay for the adventure. Yeay for the about 1 week of monogamy that I'll actually last. (Realistically, prolly 1-2 months, if all goes well. But I have other lovers that I will miss!)

I thought I was ready. I really did. But I'm not! I'm actually loving being single! All this shit I do where other ppl have a boyfriend/ husband/ partner... At first it seemed exciting to have a person to do those things with: Camping! Family brunch! Parties! Dancing! Festivals! Night at home watching movies and having someone to talk to! Right?

But, over the course in which I've actually had to face the prospect of having a live in-partner, the more the whole thing is harshing my fucking mellow. Having to drag him along and pray that he doesn't embarrass me in some way. Not being able to meet someone new potentially. Wanting to be alone and farty and bloated. Having to negotiate using the bathroom, watching TV, listening to the radio, physical space. Even cooking and cleaning, even though I don't do them enough, I've demonstrated just this past week that I can do them...

Is this the price I'm willing to pay to share my heart and space and body with someone on an intimate level? Is the need for that so strong that I just up and hand over the life that I built that I'm finally enjoying?

I'm very much in love with him, though. And it makes me feel a little disappointed that I might hurt him in some way.

Speaking of: Fuck Isaiah. What a motherfucking loser. Yes he has cool parties, but he's not the originator of all of them. His scene is so... Shallow. Everything about him is just so annoying, I can't even believe that Ishbar is so enamored with that crappy douchebag. I truly regret sleeping with him, and although I think dumping his scene would in a way lower my popularity, he's not the only one that holds these events (a), and b.) who cares? If any of them are really

my friends, they still will be.

Gawd, I might as well re-name this "High School Drama in the City of Roses". 

Anomaly

I seriously wonder sometimes WTH.

But life is as it is meant to be, no?

I had a breakdown today about my dad. I was looking for my library card and inadvertently found a photo in an old wallet of me next to him while he was in the hospital. He was covered in tubes and wearing a hat I brought him back from South America.

I'm just starting to accept how numb I went while my dad was sick and dying. It's as though I wanted to treat him like he would be well any second if he did the right things. I was mad at him for getting himself sick in the first place. For years I blamed him for getting himself sick; for not doing enough to get well; for not taking enough initiative.

I blame myself then and now for not doing enough. For leaving him to pursue a future that wasn't meant to be. For my believing he would be ok- that he would LIVE GODDAMNIT! When the future told me otherwise, even though I couldn't have known it then.

Dad, I love you far more than you would ever know. Or, you did know. In fact, I know it's more than you did know. Or maybe, in your wisdom, you know it all  along. Because I feel you with me more than anyone else does. 

And Dad, I love you like none other. If I ever have a Kindred Spirit in this life, it is you.

I know you're out there. Take care of me, Dad. You will always be my guide. I need and love you immensely. 

And I always will.

What 30 & many devastations taught me

The world works in mysterious ways. As intricate as things were that I learned as a Cell & Molecular Biologist, the more I understood how little we humans know and an ever know. And as time goes on (as it is wont to do), the more I've come to understand that there is so little we can control.

Do I call it fate?

I dare to. For that is something I believe in, as I now believe in soul and spirit. It is all as it is meant to be. A 'Choose your own adventure' if you will.

Everything that was meant to happen in this universe will. You will make good or bad choices and in the end, they will lead you to where you were meant to be in this life.