The Cycle of Addiction

Just when you think someone’s gone from your life forever, BAM! Things change and you find yourself back in a situation.

The situation’s name here is Josiah. I texted him at random yesterday while sitting in a PSU coffee shop, and he actually wrote back and was apologetic. He said he was in court. He has to take courses to avoid felony drug possession charges.

I was ruthlessly horny yesterday, by the way. I get in these modes where nearly anyone who isn't fat will do, all the better if it’s someone I know who has good skills or at least I suspect does. So basically yesterday I was texting nearly everyone that was on the roster of “potential”, which led me to Josiah. 

I texted him just to say I was disappointed in him. The text definitely wasn’t about “Come fuck me.” But, long story short, that’s kind of what happened. He met up with me after court and then we went home and fucked like mad. Twice. I told him, “I can’t believe I fucked you after you were such an asshole!”

Fantasy

I re-enlisted my OkCupid, only so I could find this letter again. Then I locked my profile down so that straight people can't see it.

Two nights ago, I met the guy I wrote this to. He was all about it. He met Jezebel and Thom and Thom's roommates, and he hung in there. So, he has many many points over Halah. I'm going to give him a second chance. I think I would go well with him. He wins MAJOR points for loving the fact that I was an hour late meeting him. "I love when people are late," he says. "It shows creativity." *Swoon*. This on the heels of getting the third degree at work twice this week. Also, he MAJORLY has that over Halah. Blerg... What a horrendous mistake about Halah. He's such a short pretentious fuck.

I wrote this drunk from my iPhone to said hot date, and I want to edit it and improve it, but I'll just leave it as it was for the purposes of this blog:

I'm definitely intrigued by you. Maybe I do secretly want to marry you, it would look good to polite society and mostly for my career, to which I'm already really married anyway. I'm a writer, so I also have a career where I do what I want. I don't get paid yet to write about whatever I want, but one day I will. I'm just breaking in. I'll stay home all day writing and getting railed by the personal trainer, tip the maid, drink wine and maybe snort some uppers, and have dinner ready for you after you get done with practice. Sometimes you can be gone with your girlfriend and I'll paint and watch movies all night, maybe we'll host orgiastic parties with our fabulous friends. I'm smart, sexy, and incredibly personable, yet sweet and polite. You'll never find arm candy like me.

I have that fantasy.

Or maybe you're an alpha male who secretly wants a triad (mmf or mff, doesn't matter). Hopefully poly-fidelitous at first, just like an inseparable couple, only with three. At some point though, and this is just the fantasy talking, I want the three or even 4 of us to unleash our sexual dynamite on the world in some rockstar way. I'm down for it to get all culty, hence the extended references in my profile to Heinlein characters. Ultimately there must be some sci-fi nerd out there w this same fantasy, who's dominant and sexually powerful but not masochistic. I think nerds like the internet, as I do. Hence why I'm on here.

Who knows. The first fantasy is more realistic and probably more palatable to polite society, my friends and family. The second is gutsy and requires stepping into one's full power. Perhaps there's a combination of both, or perhaps there is something in store behind door #3... 

In other news, I'm having some difficulty with Tamara, and it's because of Josiah and the shit he pulled while I was in Tuscon/San Diego. I never saw Josiah again, either. He had a heroin problem, all the more reason why letting him stay at my place and thinking it was going to be OK was a bad idea. Anyway, I am either getting my place back from Zeruah or moving in with Ishbar, the latter idea Isaiah is in love with. Already he's annoying me saying things like, "Maybe then you'll get the threesum you've always wanted." Umm... What? You mean the one you want that I have actually zero interest in. This kind of shit always annoyed me about him.

Anyway. I'm buried in work I have to do and am not doing.

Musings of an Insomniac

I'm turning into a fat fuck.

I tell people I'm married to my job. Which is going very well.

I just closed my OkCupid account. I'm not sure where I thought it would get me.

I opened it to meet other people so that I wouldn't be stuck with Halah because I was never very into him. He would be crushed hearing that, but inside he knows, which is what made him go so crazy. I never should have let him talk me into another second with him. He was a whiny bitch from the get-go and it should have ended there. The fact that Jerusha and her friend got to be so anti-Halah because of his piss fetish probably pushed me toward him, since I defend people at all times against those who aren't acting Sex-Positive.

I didn't even pee on him. Not because I'm grossed out– hell, I peed all over a guy's face who was so into it– but really that about Halah, I didn't even care. As Uriah said, I was bored with that. He was all wrong, I don't know why I do that to myself.

Anyway. My most recent encounter from OkCupid was this guy with an incredible face who was only 26, but slightly chubby and headed in the wrong weight direction. Man boobs, for the love of God. He was really needy in a dom sort of way, saying things like, "You already don't want me do go, huh slut?" and "Tell me you need me you little whore". I ended up fucking him 3 marathon-length times that evening (unprotected... we talked about it first though), even with my jaw throbbing from some dental work. When I saw him in the morning light, sober, it was like, "Oh, that's what you look like." He choked me (hot), called me names (neutral), held me down and bit/slapped me & ordered me to fight back (hot), made me call Jerusha in the middle and tell her I was getting railed (uncool), and in general I rode is big cock for hours and cummed a few times (very hot). Overall, a great night.

He keeps texting me, but I'm not attached to seeing him again before he heads back to whatever foreign country he works in. Part of it was that I could tell he was not sex-positive and not bi and underneath the facade I think he wanted hooking up with me to mean something so that it wouldn't just be a casual encounter. Eh.

Sleep now.

Responding to Your Letters

There comes a time in every blogger's life where he/she must address the fact that there are readers other than him/her self. This is, for some, a painful experience.

Responding to some queries:

1.) No, I will not sleep with you.

2.) Even if you meet me "in secret", you probably still won't get a code name and you won't get immortalized in the blog unless you're interesting and awesome and captivate my fancy for at least a few weeks.

3.) I have my strengths and faults. The "You're not all that" comment, written of course by an anonymous fan, is both 100% true and 100% un-necessary.

4.) If you think you know who I am, or actually do, you can try to blackmail me all you want. I'm not ashamed of my blog, I just think the code written a names are to protect the innocent. Or, you know, even the not so innocent. I've been pissed enough at someone exactly once to the point that I talked shit about her using her real name in a blog, and she was (is) a heinous cunt. Other than that, despite the level of shit I've been dragged through by some people, their identities remain protected.

5.) Yes, my life is meaningful and fun.

6.) Maybe I am an attention-whore, I don't know. People in real life (IRL) pay attention to me quite a bit, but I also like to do my own thing and not pay so much attention to what other people think. That said, it was legitimately difficult to let that comment just slide. Don't read my blog (and ergo pay attention to me) if you think that. I use this blog as an outlet for my private thoughts. Even though I know I will be judged for it, I am a voice of the Sex-Positive movement, which deserves more attention and not silence.

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