Despite working full-time for the past 2.5 months (!), I still have had a few adventures.
1.) I 'cheated' on my dom (Alvan). First of all, you know how there's some people you get in a relationship with and when it's over or time's gone by, it's done? Alvan is not one of them. (Neither are Amariah, Elijah, or Halah.) So even though it's been a substantial amount of time (5 months or so?) since he tied me up and beat me until I was crying my eyes out about Amariah, I still feel loyal to Alvan. This other dom scared the shit outta me tho, to the point where I felt truly rattled about the experience. He is rich and powerful. He talked to me at length about the lifestyle, which also scared me, and I don't think I want to go down the rabbit hole of truly being a sub, even though apparently I'm good at it. Unlike Alvan, he did fuck me though. He also cuddled me after spanking me silly for a long while. I foresaw the relationship with this dom being quite intense and not something I'm totally after. I think this is the first time I've ever even written about it.
2.) The experience with the dom was sort of also 'cheating' on Halah, even though Halah's totally poly. I think it was the beginning of the end with Halah. He said "I love you" to me too quickly and it made me panic. I haven't had sex with him in over a month, even though we still have an emotional relationship. I'm totally in love with him. Ironically, my being a sub in some ways is interfering with my being with him because he's always on me to initiate and I just can't. The dom from above said he would hate the sub taking initiative, which means I'm a good sub for not doing that. Apparently the one time I did 'initiate' sex with Halah was also very sub: I nuzzled into him so that I could smell him and feel his body while he slept and then I masturbated, so that he awoke to me in his arms having an orgasm. I think it's quite sexy. However, I'm also ruthlessly insecure and he has all of these ongoing love affairs and is meeting new people and I don't know how to reconcile my intense feelings for him with the fact that I don't get to see him very often and that I don't feel close to him or that I get as much affection as the other lovers do. It is SO frustrating to think about. So we're still 'lovers' though I don't even know what that means and I constantly pine about him.
3.) Had a nice 4-sum with Jedidiah (who is not into me), Jezebel and Ahijah. I totally ruined it talking about how fat I am though.
4.) Been dating a hot 24-year-old. He's poly and super into me and I see him maybe once per week at most. Interestingly, since the 4-sum, he's the only person I've actually slept with for the past month, and that's only happened twice but it's been fun.
5.) Basically, however, I'm not getting laid, and Uriah, my lover I usually would go to, is in a monogamous relationship (!), and therefore gone. Which is strange. He would be on my list of ongoing emotional attachments, but isn't because of this. I feel like he is totally unavailable, which sucks, since the last I was near him, I still felt there was a lot of love there. (He was not impressed with my stories of Halah, either. "Boring!" is what he said about Halah's urination/female ejaculation fetish. I actually kind of agree, Halah's really no more freaky than that.) Elijah, I feel like all I would have to do is see him and talk to him and let chemistry take over better judgement. Amariah I still love and miss and would probably just cuddle with one time– hell, it only takes me being near him– to still feel all the love there, even if it wouldn't end in sex either. It would end up with us back in our non-traditional relationship that we had for years that was very unhealthy because neither of us knew how to communicate what we needed/wanted from the other in a constructive way.
My questions now: How do I shake this idea of poly that people seem to have of me that follows me around? I don't want a relationship where my partner has other lovers that I will never get to meet or know about. I do want someone who will bond with me and build a strong relationship before introducing others into. My idea is sharing and honesty.
Christopher Ryan seems to talk about how ancient human societies used to all share lovers, but those societies probably stuck together and saw each other all the time and were quite close-knit, the way that societies are notsomuch today. It just seems to leave insecurity and angst. I favor a flat organization, one in which there are a total of three or more people, fidelitous with each other, at least at first. This would be great for me because I could have hot orgies all the time with people I love and trust, and know that the relationship as a whole wouldn't crumble just because I get weird and depressed/creative sometimes and need to withdraw into my shell.
OK. Enough. No one ever reads this shit anyway except me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Cloudy Friday Night
It's been a while.
My job (which I still have and it is going great) is keeping me busy. Very busy in fact. But I am taking some time away from it to introspect.
It's nice to have money and perks that come with being employed. One of the first things I did with my first paycheck was to get a gym membership and a tanning package near my apartment. Both are essentials to my happiness. The gym was a godsend last night when, after a night of drinking and a birthday dinner, I found myself stuck alone downtown for five hours without my bike, waiting for the bus. I sobered up in the sauna with a lot of water, then worked out, then hit the steam room and caught the first bus home in the morning. I had to awaken less than 3 hours later to look at a new bike, which turned out to be too small for me. Then I slept all day finally.
Another mini-relationship came to an end last night, I think. It was a long time coming, actually. I hadn't had sex with Halah in over a month, probably because I went ahead and had sex with a dom, then a few weeks later had a 4-sum (with Jezebel, Amariah, and the infamous Jedidiah finally, who still is not that into me), and then finally sealed the deal with this incredibly hot 24 year-old from Vancouver that I've been seeing. While the 'primary' relationship I was in was supposedly poly, I think he thought it only referred to himself and he assumed I would be the monogamous one. Typical. But I'm bummed about it.
During my delirium last night, I started writing a story about him in my head that I jotted down on my phone's notepad.
I miss my mom and dad. My mom hates that I work for an old friend of my dad's that she never got along with. But she also was down on me for not being some impressive PhD student anymore and for not being married. Her now husband is a raging douchebag and I dislike him. It's been over a month since I've seen her, and last time I did she was so incredibly bitchy. Saying that I am selfish and only come over in order to use her. That is not and never was the case. I'm not using her for anything and never was. She basically told me last time we hung out to just go on and marry whoever, and that it didn't matter who and I didn't even have to see the person that much. I suppose that I might be able to actually do that, since trying this 'going with my heart' thing never works.
It's starting to come to me again that Tracy McMillan was right: I'm too crazy. I'm too independent. I get too involved in myself and my life. One thing I did learn from this recent 3-month stint is that I need to get out when the first signs are showing that it's not working. The BETTER thing I learned, though, is that I need to have something to be 'about', some cause or something to give my life meaning. The work I'm doing as a writer, however, is very fulfilling. But I want something else to get into that will bring me joy and a sense of purpose.
My job (which I still have and it is going great) is keeping me busy. Very busy in fact. But I am taking some time away from it to introspect.
It's nice to have money and perks that come with being employed. One of the first things I did with my first paycheck was to get a gym membership and a tanning package near my apartment. Both are essentials to my happiness. The gym was a godsend last night when, after a night of drinking and a birthday dinner, I found myself stuck alone downtown for five hours without my bike, waiting for the bus. I sobered up in the sauna with a lot of water, then worked out, then hit the steam room and caught the first bus home in the morning. I had to awaken less than 3 hours later to look at a new bike, which turned out to be too small for me. Then I slept all day finally.
Another mini-relationship came to an end last night, I think. It was a long time coming, actually. I hadn't had sex with Halah in over a month, probably because I went ahead and had sex with a dom, then a few weeks later had a 4-sum (with Jezebel, Amariah, and the infamous Jedidiah finally, who still is not that into me), and then finally sealed the deal with this incredibly hot 24 year-old from Vancouver that I've been seeing. While the 'primary' relationship I was in was supposedly poly, I think he thought it only referred to himself and he assumed I would be the monogamous one. Typical. But I'm bummed about it.
During my delirium last night, I started writing a story about him in my head that I jotted down on my phone's notepad.
I miss my mom and dad. My mom hates that I work for an old friend of my dad's that she never got along with. But she also was down on me for not being some impressive PhD student anymore and for not being married. Her now husband is a raging douchebag and I dislike him. It's been over a month since I've seen her, and last time I did she was so incredibly bitchy. Saying that I am selfish and only come over in order to use her. That is not and never was the case. I'm not using her for anything and never was. She basically told me last time we hung out to just go on and marry whoever, and that it didn't matter who and I didn't even have to see the person that much. I suppose that I might be able to actually do that, since trying this 'going with my heart' thing never works.
It's starting to come to me again that Tracy McMillan was right: I'm too crazy. I'm too independent. I get too involved in myself and my life. One thing I did learn from this recent 3-month stint is that I need to get out when the first signs are showing that it's not working. The BETTER thing I learned, though, is that I need to have something to be 'about', some cause or something to give my life meaning. The work I'm doing as a writer, however, is very fulfilling. But I want something else to get into that will bring me joy and a sense of purpose.
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