I came out at my volunteer position on the side of one person that not only seemed to irritate everyone but actually was the person I journaled about before. Aka, the guy that wrote some comments about me (about stylistic parts of my writing that in fact were not my but rather the editors' fault) on the public forum that were seen by thousands of people. I don't exactly know why, but I like him and I disagree with most of the people there. I am glad that I came out and told him. I don't know if there is going to be a factioning off of supporters or what, but I am curious to see where it will lead.
Also, Hannah reamed me hard today. Not literally.
[I just want to note, on a side tangent, how awesome it is that I actually do need to clarify that a hard reaming by a hot girl must in some instances not actually be taken literally. Because my life is awesome like that (:0.]
I understand that I am going 100% flake these days. It is starting to become evident that I just am a hermity bitch sitting writing articles on my laptop, and getting cooked for/ fucked/ watching Battlestar Galactica in between, then going dancing/playing board games/getting all sexxxy with people nearly every night. I like my life and I think all this is New Relationship Energy (NRE), as it's apparently called. Still, I have been losing motivation to do anything else. There are other, business-related reasons why I was so blase about the business, I guess we needed to have this argument so that I could say how I really feel. I am motivated anew by it.
That was a good part of the day, after which I took like a 2 hour nap. I re-read my book journal from a year ago and I was in a terrible place in life, but mainly the issues were that I was lonely and broke and coming off a realm of lost possibilities. So now I am back in my home town, surrounded with friends and loved ones, and with a world of amazing possibilities around. And yet, I am the same person, sitting at home with my writing, and now with a lover to be with me and help me grow back into being a beautiful flower rather than a dried-up shell.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Beautiful Fucking Day
As Ani DiFranco said during one of her concerts: "When I'm happy, I'm like, what? Guitar? Huh?" That's what I feel about my personal writing, including in this journal. So I suppose that I must be at least content on some level or another, otherwise I would have written more this month.
Well, I wouldn't go that far. I've also been rather boring this month, too. Just working a lot as a writer and not going to any sex parties and not getting tied up at Alvan's last dinner party. No particular incidents of any of my family members punching someone (again), only a couple of three-sums even.
Actually, even Board Game Night has been, well, just board games.
Quiet times out in NoPo.
Well, I wouldn't go that far. I've also been rather boring this month, too. Just working a lot as a writer and not going to any sex parties and not getting tied up at Alvan's last dinner party. No particular incidents of any of my family members punching someone (again), only a couple of three-sums even.
Actually, even Board Game Night has been, well, just board games.
Quiet times out in NoPo.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Going there
This is the way I feel, so I might as well write about it. I know it's boring. But alas.
I feel fat. Like a stuffed, water-bloated pig level of fat. Muffin top over the pants, bags below my eyes, feeling like my face is a chubby, water-inflated expanse and my once reasonably pretty breasts seem like inflated cow tits. It's miserable. To the point where I am dreaming of buying diet pills and diuretics from Rite-Aid when I get paid, chain smoking while I type, and doing ab work every few minutes. Fantasizing about when I can earn enough money to go back to Bikram yoga and sweat out all the toxins and when I can ever get a gym membership again and pick up some weights. When will my life not be in such a financial/emotional tizzy that I can get two solid hours to just work the fuck out?
Granted, in reality I recognize that I am far from "fat", being a solid 20 BMI. I'm pretty sure this is, as always, PMS-related. Grr.
OK, that and I have a boyfriend that feeds me healthfully and then makes sweet love to me constantly. There really could be a link between being fat and happy. I was miserable and anorexic before and I think that fucked my metabolism up on a level. I think that gaining all this weight isn't a consequence of my being so unhealthy now, which in actuality I am not. Quite the opposite: I've been vegan, gluten-free and highly un-processed for a few months now and dancing 3-5 nights per week. I only recently started drinking again after my 30 days of alcohol abstinence, and I don't drink or smoke weed very often anymore and almost never do drugs. So...
Other than that, I have little to complain about, which may be why I haven't written too much. That, and having a job. And getting laid all day between articles that I finish. There is something to be said about a life where I have someone around that wants to fuck me open all the time in between writing, chopped salads, dancing, video games, deep conversation, dark chocolate, and Battlestar Galactica that makes me think that things will be OK.
I feel fat. Like a stuffed, water-bloated pig level of fat. Muffin top over the pants, bags below my eyes, feeling like my face is a chubby, water-inflated expanse and my once reasonably pretty breasts seem like inflated cow tits. It's miserable. To the point where I am dreaming of buying diet pills and diuretics from Rite-Aid when I get paid, chain smoking while I type, and doing ab work every few minutes. Fantasizing about when I can earn enough money to go back to Bikram yoga and sweat out all the toxins and when I can ever get a gym membership again and pick up some weights. When will my life not be in such a financial/emotional tizzy that I can get two solid hours to just work the fuck out?
Granted, in reality I recognize that I am far from "fat", being a solid 20 BMI. I'm pretty sure this is, as always, PMS-related. Grr.
OK, that and I have a boyfriend that feeds me healthfully and then makes sweet love to me constantly. There really could be a link between being fat and happy. I was miserable and anorexic before and I think that fucked my metabolism up on a level. I think that gaining all this weight isn't a consequence of my being so unhealthy now, which in actuality I am not. Quite the opposite: I've been vegan, gluten-free and highly un-processed for a few months now and dancing 3-5 nights per week. I only recently started drinking again after my 30 days of alcohol abstinence, and I don't drink or smoke weed very often anymore and almost never do drugs. So...
Other than that, I have little to complain about, which may be why I haven't written too much. That, and having a job. And getting laid all day between articles that I finish. There is something to be said about a life where I have someone around that wants to fuck me open all the time in between writing, chopped salads, dancing, video games, deep conversation, dark chocolate, and Battlestar Galactica that makes me think that things will be OK.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Raining on Monday
I feel sad and frustrated. The rain may be contributing to it. Not eating enough, not sleeping enough, and drinking at my previous level of tolerance for the past 3 nights is also likely contributing. Smoking real cigarettes is probably contributing, too.
Also the un-necessarily dramatic 'breakup' w Elijah could be a possible cause.
As is evident, it was happening anyway. I likened the relationship to growing pains once, because it was growing faster than I was ready for and starting to hurt. It started growing out of control and turned into a cancer. I suppose it's best to cut that out, which is what he is doing to me now. I hope that brings him peace. He told me last night I can't hurt him, as though that's what I'm trying to do. He's ironically hurting me, and Jezebel, by trying so hard to show me how he isn't hurt.
Working is making me feel better. I get in these funks where only work will make me relax. I don't know why. Being in class again is giving me a purpose and a mission. I lacked that over the past 2 months. Conveniently I began this strange relationship right as school ended and as school was about to begin the relationship ended.
Jeez I feel like everyone hates me today.
[NOTE: I wrote a list of ppl that I thought hated me, though, and it turns out that really the only ones that do, when it comes down to it, are Jezebel and Elijah, my now-exes. Makes sense actually.]
Also the un-necessarily dramatic 'breakup' w Elijah could be a possible cause.
As is evident, it was happening anyway. I likened the relationship to growing pains once, because it was growing faster than I was ready for and starting to hurt. It started growing out of control and turned into a cancer. I suppose it's best to cut that out, which is what he is doing to me now. I hope that brings him peace. He told me last night I can't hurt him, as though that's what I'm trying to do. He's ironically hurting me, and Jezebel, by trying so hard to show me how he isn't hurt.
Working is making me feel better. I get in these funks where only work will make me relax. I don't know why. Being in class again is giving me a purpose and a mission. I lacked that over the past 2 months. Conveniently I began this strange relationship right as school ended and as school was about to begin the relationship ended.
Jeez I feel like everyone hates me today.
[NOTE: I wrote a list of ppl that I thought hated me, though, and it turns out that really the only ones that do, when it comes down to it, are Jezebel and Elijah, my now-exes. Makes sense actually.]
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